Church guys who lack alpha AND beta.

12 Dec

The manosphere usually talks about alpha and beta as an inversely proportional continuum, meaning that if a guy doesn’t have a lot of alpha, he must have a lot of beta, and vice versa.  For most practical intents and purposes, this model works.  Most guys need to tone down the beta traits and up the alpha, and then there are some who need to tone down the alpha in order to reassure their women that they do, in fact, care for them.

But one type of man not commonly talked about is the man who lacks both alpha AND beta.  He’s neither dominant with his wife, but he’s not sweet and cuddly with her, either.  He’s just sort of…there.  Doing his thing.  And being neither romantic nor sexy doing it.

My latest idea is that this alpha-less, beta-less man is the one that a lot of Christian relationship books are written for.  These are usually the books that encourage men to “love” their wives more by doing more and more beta things for them, and the reason for this encouragement of beta is that the authors mistakenly think that being a distant, cold husband is “alpha.”  So they instruct their readers to pour on the beta, and then the advice fails because beta in the absence of alpha isn’t attractive.

What a woman with that kind of man wants is not more flowers and more acts of service, it’s a man who will flirt with her and make her feel attractive.  THEN, once that has been established, he can do the sweet things.  But jumping right into the sweet stuff is NOT the way to go about rectifying a marriage that lacks both alpha and beta.

 

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31 Responses to “Church guys who lack alpha AND beta.”

  1. Toz December 12, 2012 at 8:09 pm #

    Not sure I’ve seen this species of man. You’re going to have to give some examples of how such a man acts. I honestly can’t imagine it.

  2. FuriousFerret December 12, 2012 at 8:33 pm #

    Ok, there are some explanations that can be going on here:

    1) He’s an omega. Omegas are the lowest males on the totem pole. They are screwed up in the head and just not right. For whatever reason this man has no social presence. He’s the weird kid in the back of the class that everybody thought was going to commit mass murder/suicide. Think the sterotypical obese man eating cheetios that lives at home playing World of Warcraft. Omegas might get married if the woman is extremely unattractive and simply will marry anyone simply not to become a cat lady.

    2) He’s a beta that has given up on life due to his wife being horrible. Just because he’s a beta doesn’t mean he’s desperately not aware that he’s married to nagging harpy. Said harpy has ground up and destoryed any sort of soul this poor sap once had. Beta responds by checking out. Would you bring flowers to the evil purveyor of misery of your life? Didn’t think so.

    By the way Haley, what about Hermes? Dude’s a doctor. Just sayin.

  3. Aunt Haley December 12, 2012 at 9:25 pm #

    Toz and FF–
    I’m thinking more of the stereotypical man who ignores his wife due to obsession with work, hobbies, etc.

    Also, Hermes knows how to contact me. He may do so if he feels so led.

  4. FuriousFerret December 12, 2012 at 9:39 pm #

    Not sexually attracted to his wife or simply has low sexual desire (does happen). Maybe a pseudo-aspie. I guess in that case where it’s actually a decent woman and she simply has a geeky low T man, I could see why they would advocate upping the beta because he’s just not interested and they can’t really tell him to act alpha since that’s not PC, so they tell him to do romantic stuff. The same aspects that make a typical geek like low T also account for a low interest in sex plus these guys really balk at acting masculine because they have a natural aversion to it.

    Also, I think if you could measure the T counts of the average guy in the manosphere, it would probably be at least normal. I think some selection basis goes on in the people that read these blogs, so that to most guys not wanting lots of sex seems unthinkable.

  5. Natalie December 12, 2012 at 11:52 pm #

    Or he could do both at once – dinner reservation/concert tickets/Saturday drive out in the country to pick apples. Just announce your plans for the day and sweep her along with them. You’ve got alpha and beta in one swoop. Because I think the problem is that a woman with a bland, checked out sort of man probably vacillates between “What am I doing wrong? Why doesn’t he like me” and “I wish he’d stop being such a smuck and put his clothes on straight.” Upping alpha will have her convinced he’s walking out the door, but going straight to beta will indicate he’s just a very sad sort of “nice guy.”

  6. Anonymous December 13, 2012 at 12:27 am #

    I think you are making two assumptions in this post that so many women do: (1) there is some type of defect with the man and (2) the man is interested in the woman.

    The truth of the matter is that women are just not that interesting to men; particularly after they have been fked already. Thus the premium paid in demonstration of alpha and beta traits for variety.

    The post sounds like something one of my ex-girlfriends would write. Sure, she was extremely attractive and was a cheerleader in college, etc. and was constantly pressuring me about marriage. But the truth of the matter is that I just was not that interested in her as a person. I finally just became apathetic about displaying any alpha or beta traits and just did my own things.

    After all, it takes a lot of time, attention and focus to keep sexual tension with a woman. Ironically, the value of snatch decreases the more a man gets it from a particular woman. Plus, men and women are built differently where women get their validation from relationships while men get it from their work.

    Consequently, a lot of men find a better value proposition from their hobbies, work, empire building, etc. than constantly putting in the effort to satisfy the woman. Hence the need for the man to have a strong emotional connection with the woman to want to continue satisfying her sexually. Otherwise, she just isn’t that high of a priority; particularly if he has already fked her.

    I think a lot of women tremendously underestimate the cost men pay in terms of variety to submit to long-term monogamous relationships. One of the reasons men have been willing to pay this cost is to ‘build society’. But now that the return on investment from that is now negative it is quickly losing its motivating effect. Then men become ambivalent and apathetic towards women and society resulting in increasingly selfish pursuits since there is more control over a potentially value providing outcome. You could interpret it as the ultimate vote of no-confidence in the future.

    I wish I cared enough to find a solution to such apathy.

  7. Jacob Ian Stalk December 13, 2012 at 3:27 am #

    “Alpha” and “Beta” are worldly designations that attempt to rate men in terms of their psychosexual attractiveness to women. I can think of nothing less likely to profit men, or to please God, than this.

    A church that gives this sort of Alpha/Beta nonsense a scriptural polish and elevates it to a spiritual norm ought to close it’s doors until it turns it’s face awayfeom the perishing world and back towards Christ.

  8. Toz December 13, 2012 at 4:42 am #

    “I’m thinking more of the stereotypical man who ignores his wife due to obsession with work, hobbies, etc.”

    Sounds like a beta who’s no longer attracted to his wife. Give him some credit. He’s staying in a marriage that’s not interesting to him in the least because of the commitment he made to God.

    Jacob, if you’re married, do you not care what makes your wife attracted to you? If you’re not, do you want to get married? If either of those answers is yes, then yes, this is far more relevant to a Christian life, than say, who you vote for.

  9. Jacob Ian Stalk December 13, 2012 at 6:04 am #

    Caring about my wife’s attraction towards me doesn’t prevent me from declaring the Alpha/Beta rating system worldly. My wife’s attraction to me has no bearing whatsoever on my Christian character and any exertions I make to keep the serpent away from its target is entirely in God’s strength and not my own.

  10. John Doe December 13, 2012 at 6:45 am #

    Jacob, you will lose your haughty holier-than-thou attitude when your little wifey goes for the hunky guy in her Sunday school class because he cracks funny jokes, has handsome dimples, and his muscles make yours’ pale in comparison. Keeping a woman requires much effort, whether you know it or not. Use whatever tools work. You remind me of the old joke about the guy who prayed and prayed and prayed for a miracle to win the lottery. Finally after years of praying he complained to God that he had not won the lottery. God’s answer: Buy a lottery ticket! It might be God’s strength that allows you to do something, but he gives you common sense and the ability to use all the tools at your disposal. Ignore those tools at your peril, son.

  11. Toz December 13, 2012 at 9:19 am #

    “Caring about having a job doesn’t prevent me from declaring the employment system worldly. My job has no bearing whatsoever on my Christian character and any exertions I make to keep the serpent away from its target is entirely in God’s strength and not my own.”

    You can also substitute job with money, food, home or a whole host of other things. Either you need to renounce all those things or explain why being attractive to your wife is somehow so much more immoral than being a good employee, being fiscally responsible, eating well or buying a home.

  12. Emrys December 13, 2012 at 9:25 am #

    Joseph -
    Biblical commandments: Husband love your wife, wife submit to husband. Alpha/beta matrices are simply the world’s discovery of the built-in elements of this divine dynamic. As humans are fallen, so the world’s concept of these elements include elements of fallen human nature.

    Jesus demonstrated understanding of fallen human nature as indicated by the constant repetitions of “but Jesus knew their hearts and..” followed by his responding to what the people in question were actually thinking/feeling as opposed to what they were saying.

    Solomon demonstrated understanding of human hearts in his judgement of the two prostitutes — he knew female vindictiveness was boundless enough to seperate the actual mother from the fake mother.

    Thus, understanding worldly categories, even though you may not (and often must not) follow their recommendations, is an element of heavenly wisdom.

    Quod erat demonstrandum.

  13. whatever December 13, 2012 at 11:31 am #

    Well, them women have just run head on into why men are commanded to love their wives. If you aren’t a little boy who needs mommas approval, and you aren’t scared of divorce, then it is very easy to look at a woman who happens to be your wife and feel nothing at all. Maybe the wife killed the man’s love. Maybe he did it all by himself. But it’s gone and once a woman has burned through her denial systems, it’s very traumatic for them. Especially when pressing the Divorce button isn’t an option for one reason or another.

  14. Natalie December 13, 2012 at 11:37 am #

    My husband puts it this way – men are told to “live with [their] wives in an understanding way.” He can deny that he is, to a certain degree, responsible for the attraction I feel towards him, or he can be understanding of what makes me tick and do a little muscle flexing or tease me a bit or just establish some priorities for the week. Alpha and beta and simply convenient ways to categorize the ways in which men and women relate.

    If you want to get right down to “the Trinity” is a “worldly” phrase applied to a spiritual phenomena, but I really doubt you’re arguing that people can use words not found in the Bible to describe Biblical realities. At if you are, you’re likely highly inconsistent.

    (And before someone reads that first paragraph and assumes that I sit back and expect my husband to run around in circles trying to please me I’ll simply add that I’m pretty darn appreciative of his appetite – for my cooking and otherwise.)

  15. FuriousFerret December 13, 2012 at 11:46 am #

    “why men are commanded to love their wives”
    This is just a wrong interpretation of the verse. The problem is that you have always lived in a femcentric society so you don’t understand that at one time, women could and were abused and taken advantage of. Throughout most of human civilization men were seen to be above women in terms of usefulness, morality, etc. Women were seen as property with very little rights. There actually was a legitimate reason that women wanted power because there was time that some men abused such power.

    Thus God gave the commandment that although men were to be the boss, they were not to abuse such power but wield it in a proper manner. That’s the key to mutual submission. Woman submits in the man trusting him that he will do right by her.

    Your issue is that when women have the power of sexual agency and have the power of the law on their side for finances and assets they go insane with it. They aren’t biological equipped for the most part to deal with responsibility, so you get these problems such as them holding off of commitment in the pathetic hope that an alpha will wife them up and looking down on 80 percent of men as either invisible or tools to be exploited.

    Look humankind is evil. If men had all the sexual agency and actually had the option to have a harem, almost all guys would. It’s just that women through betas who thought they could get sex easier if they gave women what they wanted gave them all the feminism that they could handle. You have to remember it was the beta male in the sexual revolution in the 60s that thought ‘Wow, if we liberalize the standards of sexuality, think of all the hot women that will sleep with me’, but it backfired because no one wants to sleep with beta when they can get alpha.

  16. haustin December 13, 2012 at 1:07 pm #

    I believe the man you are describing is an introvert. Many introverts can fake their extroversion for a time (sometimes months or even longer). In fact, in order to date successfully (or marry) the introvert must often learn to fake extroversion to a certain extent to win an attractive mate. But eventually it takes a toll and the introvert will revert to their natural tendency to withdraw. After marriage and as the years progress, the introvert will eventually lose interest in keeping the game going as it’s too taxing. It’s not that he’s necessarily lost interest in his wife, but that is simply who he is.

  17. Jacob Ian Stalk December 13, 2012 at 1:53 pm #

    @John Doe

    “Jacob, you will lose your haughty holier-than-thou attitude when your little wifey goes for the hunky guy in her Sunday school class because he cracks funny jokes, has handsome dimples, and his muscles make yours’ pale in comparison.”

    This charge of haughtiness is unfounded and perhaps a little foolish given the scenario that is being offered to support it. I believe my wife to be Christian, in that she accepts Jesus as her Saviour. Whatever I think that menas, and in whatever way I want to interpret her prayers, one thing stands above all else: she’s working hard to protect me from the consequences of her sinful nature. This is why I love her. This is why I married her.

    If at some point in the future our faith in God is tested by the potential for infidelity, I’ll pray with her and let her decide whether the covenant we made before God at the altar is still in her heart. If it’s not, there’s little I can do as her husband to help her except pray. I can’t physically stop her from sleeping with the “hunky” guy with the dancing pecs if that’s what she ‘must’ do.

    I’m the head of my marriage in the way the Bible teaches. A husbands position in marriage is ordained by God, not man, and as such it doesn’t require any man to ‘step up’ or ‘man up’ in the way suggested by the Alpha/Beta ratings system. Nor is it a woman’s place to define what makes a good husband. It’s neither my desire nor inclination to save a disobedient wife from the consequences of her own sinful actions. This wouldn’t change in the slightest if my wife was Rahab at the peak of her earnings and I were the most effeminate man on earth.

    My marriage is a covenant with God, not my wife. Neither my marriage, nor my wife, nor any earthly rating system about her sexual desires, defines my service to Him or my faith in the saving grace of Christ. If my wife succumbs to her hypergamous nature and defiles the marriage bed I’ll still love her and pray through whatever sinfulness controls her – just as I’d do with any other fallen person in my circle of influence. I married a sinner, and so did she.

    I’ll equally not protect anyone from God’s wrath, including my wife, nor will I tempt Satan by pretending I have the power to stand against his handmaidens. My soul belongs to God – it’s not available for sacrifice at Roissy’s altar to Baal.

  18. FuriousFerret December 13, 2012 at 2:19 pm #

    @Jacob
    You’re right. There is no such thing as Alpha or Beta. Certain men aren’t universally much more attractive than other men in that they have more social intelligence and can do things that give them visibility and value to society or have physical good looks.

    We absolutely should not teach any of this alpha/beta non-sense in the church. We should instead keep hoping that the man made rules for proper courting behavior should be sufficent. Who cares about the women that become spinsters or nerds that get to experience the societial shame from being rejected by women. What should be is, right?

    At the end of the day, women should just love their husband simply because. Who cares if he makes no effort to provide the emotional attraction that she innately needs. Who cares if he lets himself go. This Game stuff is straight from the Devil. It’s not like it’s based on biology. Besides she signed a covenant with God, so the husband is free to just ‘be himself’ with no regard for his woman’s desires.

  19. Yaholand67 December 13, 2012 at 5:34 pm #

    But one type of man not commonly talked about is the man who lacks both alpha AND beta. He’s neither dominant with his wife, but he’s not sweet and cuddly with her, either. He’s just sort of…there. Doing his thing. And being neither romantic nor sexy doing it.

    My latest idea is that this alpha-less, beta-less man is the one that a lot of Christian relationship books are written for. These are usually the books that encourage men to “love” their wives more by doing more and more beta things for them, and the reason for this encouragement of beta is that the authors mistakenly think that being a distant, cold husband is “alpha.”

    In real terms Haley I think you’re thinking of a Techie/Aspie/Autistic/STEM Christian guy. The guy is both practical and intellectual and he seems immune to most social pressures. He’s obsessive, intelligent but also introverted or whatever.

    Note – STEM stands for Science, Technology, Engineering, Mathematics.

  20. John Doe December 14, 2012 at 5:34 am #

    Jacob, Jacob, Jacob…I truly feel sorry for you. You think you have it all figured out. I’ve been there, done that. But wait until that pretty bride rationalizes her hypergamy: “Jacob has never LOVED me like I want to be loved. This other guy (with the dimples and muscles and dumb jokes) is my only shot towards happiness. I’m a daughter of the King and I’m sposed to be happy (her hamster rationalizes). I’m going for it!!!”

    And poor Jacob will be left wondering what went wrong. He’ll think she wasn’t spiritual enough, or maybe that he wasn’t. He might even get bitter towards his ex and/or God. Hope I’m wrong and it never happens to old Jacob. But those who choose to ignore human nature often suffer the consequences.

  21. Natalie December 14, 2012 at 9:55 am #

    Jacob has it absolutely wrong. His marriage covenant is /with/ his wife and /before/ God. That means that either he or his wife have to power to break covenant, but they should actually be afraid to do so since this covenant was made literally in front of God and (through the oversight of the church) with His approval.

    Also, you seem to have the idea that being “head” of your marriage is some absolute, platonic part of your being and not as aspect of your Christian duties and character that can be evaluated. It’s true that “Head of the household” is a absolute position handed down by God, but you can be a good head, an incompetent head, an abdicating head, etc. If your wife screams at you constantly, sleeps around, etc that would make her a bad wife, a cheating wife etc. The key word is that she remains your wife. Not honoring and fulfilling your role is vastly different from not having that role in the first place.

    In addition, you seem to have the idea that there is nothing you can do (as her head no less!) to help your wife in growing in sanctification. This is wrong. If you can help your wife to grow in love and respect for you and in joy for her duties as a wife and flat out refuse then you are refusing to love her as Christ loves the Church. I really don’t see any way around it. Furthermore, if your role as a husband is part of your duties as a Christian then you CANNOT say that your marriage isn’t a defining part of your service to God. You really have this ass backwards. Absolutely. I rather pity your wife.

  22. natewinchester December 15, 2012 at 7:41 pm #

    I believe the man you are describing is an introvert. Many introverts can fake their extroversion for a time (sometimes months or even longer). In fact, in order to date successfully (or marry) the introvert must often learn to fake extroversion to a certain extent to win an attractive mate. But eventually it takes a toll and the introvert will revert to their natural tendency to withdraw. After marriage and as the years progress, the introvert will eventually lose interest in keeping the game going as it’s too taxing. It’s not that he’s necessarily lost interest in his wife, but that is simply who he is.

    This. So much this. Don’t get me wrong. If a girl can truly connect to an introvert guy on an intimate level, he can find some energy from her company, but even then, he’ll eventually have to pull back to recharge. (I mean, I love my friends and family, but I NEED alone time.) This can sometimes lead to a bad set up where the girl pesters the guy to be with her, which drains him more and leads to a sort of cascade failure in the relationship. Of course, this is just one possibility of this phenomona. If the girl remembers or has had the guy be romantic, loving, alpha/beta etc in the past, then it’s definitely the case. If she doesn’t panic and just lets him have a moment to rest/recharge, she’ll find him back to the man she fell in love with soon enough.

    Then agian, some guys can just be asexual too (or aromantic). He may also have other concerns. We shouldn’t forget that there’s going to be a host of individual variation within humanity. No plan ever survives contact with the enemy, and no social theory ever survives contact with flesh and blood people. ;)

  23. Jacob Ian Stalk December 19, 2012 at 3:45 pm #

    Both John Doe and Natalie are putting the cart before the horse. My marriage is not the beginning and end of my service to God, nor is it the principal context in which it takes place. I desire to serve God REGARDLESS of my marriage, even though I seek to also do so within it. My wife’s sinfulness does not control this.

    @John Doe

    “…wait until that pretty bride rationalizes her hypergamy: “Jacob has never LOVED me like I want to be loved.”

    “And poor Jacob will be left wondering what went wrong.”

    These are presumptuous statements. The fact is, when my wife was still only my girlfriend, she did try to rationalise her hypergamy and expressed exactly these feelings. I made it clear to her I wasn’t going to marry a woman who transferred responsibility for her fidelity onto her husband and broke off the relationship. I didn’t know anything about hypergamy then, but had a gut feeling it was the serpent squaring off its target. God saved me from an unholy marriage. I sure did wonder what went wrong, but I soon discovered the Manosphere and identified the behaviour for what it was. It was her problem to resolve with God before marriage was possible.

    A woman who has truly accepted Christ as her Saviour is a woman who has acknowledged her hypergamous nature. Further, she has promised to keep both the beast in its cage and the hamster silent. This promise a woman makes, ABOVE ALL ELSE, qualifies her as a candidate for Christian marriage.

    @Natalie

    “Jacob has it absolutely wrong.”

    Foolish woman. You are in no position to declare what is “absolutely wrong” or right. Are you God?

    “Also, you seem to have the idea that being “head” of your marriage is some absolute, platonic part of your being and not as aspect of your Christian duties and character that can be evaluated.”

    My ability to ‘perform’ Christian duties (if there are such things) and character do not change the fact of my headship as a husband. It is not related to performance. It is not a performance contract with God. Eve’s daughters forever seem to want to turn marriage around and say a man is head only if he earns it, which is an aspect of Eve’s original sin. It deflects responsibility away from herself and onto the serpent.
    Adam is head of his marriage but his sins do not excuse Eve’s. Both are guilty and both are condemned to die as a result. Only Christ can save them.

    “In addition, you seem to have the idea that there is nothing you can do (as her head no less!) to help your wife in growing in sanctification.”

    Wrong. I wrote nothing about my wife’s sanctification, nor should anything be presumed about it from what I’ve written. Christians are called to live and preach the gospel, which God uses to sanctify others. God does the sanctifying, not the husband. I can’t stop my wife from defiling the marriage bed is that’s what she ‘must’ do but this doesn’t mean I won’t ask God to stop her. Any suggestion that not changing myself into a different man to stop my wife from sinning is a refusal to love my wife as Christ loves the church is akin to Eve taking the apple, giving it a New Testament polish, and blaming the serpent.

    The Christian marriage covenant is NOT to remain faithful only as long as the husband can keep his wife interested. It’s the opposite – to remain faithful ESPECIALLY WHEN he doesn’t.

    The bottom line is this: since hypergamy in women is the conjugate to promiscuity in men, the Christian commandment for husbands and wives is the same – i.e. DON’T DO IT, BUT FORGIVE EACH OTHER FOR ANY TRANSGRESSIONS BECAUSE CHRIST HAS FORGIVEN YOU. This covenant is the cornerstone of all Christian relationships. It is not an addendum that kicks in only when a husband learns Game.

    It’s up to Christian men and women who want to marry to cultivate Christ’s character in themselves before they get married so they can honor the marriage covenant in all of its glory and sacrifice. The same applies to Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta or Omega.

  24. Marcus December 19, 2012 at 6:54 pm #

    Jacob, does your wife doesn’t know she has free reign to cheat?

    ” I can’t physically stop her from sleeping with the “hunky” guy with the dancing pecs if that’s what she ‘must’ do. “

  25. Marcus December 19, 2012 at 6:55 pm #

    *does your wife know*

  26. John Doe December 20, 2012 at 9:18 am #

    Jacob, I mean you no ill will. I see that nothing I can say will ever change your mind. I was you about 20-25 years ago. I thought my wife was totally incapable of being unfaithful. I had it all wrong too. She was and she did. Lesson learned? You have to treat marriage the same as courtship. It is a never-ending battle. Sure, sometimes everything is great, but it can go bad in a heartbeat, or slowly due to benign neglect. Use all the tools, including lessons of the manosphere, to keep your bride haaaaapy. Take that advice or leave it, choice is yours. At any rate I wish you and your bride nothing but the best!!!!!!!!!!!

  27. Jacob Ian Stalk December 25, 2012 at 4:31 pm #

    @Marcus

    “does your wife know she has free reign to cheat?”

    My wife knows that Satan has dominion over this world and that all of us are free to sin. She knows that the wages of sin is death. She also knows that Jesus has saved her from sin and that this requires obedience from her, which is to not sin again. I can no more stop my wife from lusting after men she perceives as better than me than she can stop me from viewing porn.

    @John Doe

    “I mean you no ill will.”

    None was presumed. Presumptions are a little risky in these here parts.

    “I see that nothing I can say will ever change your mind.”

    My mind is open to the truth. If you meant to say nothing Roissy et al can say will ever change my mind on the Word of God, that would be closer to the truth. The Manosphere has corrected a few of my own misunderstandings however, which is why I continue to engage with it.

    “I was you about 20-25 years ago.”

    I’m older, wiser and significantly more experienced than can be understood from what I’ve written here. Of course, there’s no way to know this from what I’ve written so I forgive this further presumption. Can I suggest that we avoid presumptions altogether?

    “You have to treat marriage the same as courtship. It is a never-ending battle.”

    I prefer to view marriage as a blessing, not a battle. To me, this means thanking and honoring God by internalising and following the Christian precepts laid out in Scripture. Hopefully this will help my wife honor Him likewise. I pray daily that she will also do this for me. Together, we strive to walk together behind Jesus when Satan’s evil schemes unfold before us. Let’s not forget that chief amongst Satan’s schemes is to make us want to place the burden of responsibility for sinfulness and salvation onto each other and not God, just as the serpent did with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. If we try to walk ahead of Jesus life will be a never-ending battle, but life in His shadow is never-ending joy.

    “Use all the tools, including lessons of the manosphere, to keep your bride haaaaapy.”

    Thanks for the advice, but the only tools I intend to use are those provided in Scripture. The tools of the manosphere are useful in fortifying the hearts of suffering and afflicted men but they still elevate a woman’s haaappiness in marriage higher than it ought to be. Happiness itself is not a biblical principle – the original texts used only words like blessedness and joyfulness, which are quite different to happiness.

    I don’t intend to place my wife’s hypergamous urges on a pedestal and turn my marriage into a never-ending battle to keep them at bay. Rather, I’ve denounced hypergamy as the the conjugate to the sexual-objectification of women, which is the ‘success-objectification’ of men, and both as aspects of our sinful nature. Just as we work together to steer me clear of pornography, so we work together to steer her clear of wolfish men. As her husband, my ordained role as head of the marriage is to guide my wife into a better understanding of what God wants for us.

    I don’t intend to neglect my wife’s soul by putting her happiness in marriage above our obedience and righteousness as brother and sister in Christ. I hope that’s clear.

  28. R December 25, 2012 at 7:01 pm #

    Lots o inter-comment banter here but few really original comments. This is hopefully one of them. The non-alpha and not beta either guys either can be one of many types but more and more of them are by-products of the system. By that I mean our Feminist dominated society and its strategy hell-bent on the destruction of men. Not men as in “humanity” but men as in male. There has been a war going on against men (male) in for several decades now and “The Church” is nowhere to be found in defend a man’s right to be man. Men are raped by the legal system (false allegations of abuse, etc), raped by the Family Court, etc and the church stands by and does nothing. Our population is approximately 50% male and 50% female. Our legal system is controlled by Feminists and they are using the legal system and laws designed to imprison men to do just that. Do you have any idea how many men in the US are in prison? Most would agree that men are more aggressive than women and probably commit more crimes so you probably wouldn’t be shocked that there are more men in prison that women. But how many? Think there are 10% more men in prison than women? How about 25%; 50%. OK, 100% ? Wrong. 200%? Nope. 300%, 400%, 500%? Nope. OK, how about 1,000% ? Nope. The actual number is 2,000%. That is, for every woman in prison there are 20 men. That is what a “War On Men” produces: millions of men in prison by a ration of 19 out of 20. Call a retard a retard and its “felony sexual abuse involving a minor” and a 10 year prison sentence. And, yes, this happens every day. Hundreds of times every day; all across the U.S.

    The US has more men in prison that the REST OF THE WORLD COMBINED; yet the US is small percentage of the world’s population. Think China, India, Russia, Brazil. In addition, there are supposedly terrorists countries like the Axis Of Evil. They cannot compare to the criminals who control the US and who use the Law to destroy men.

    There are over 2 million men in prison right now and over 4 million more on parole or probation. That is nearly 7 million MEN in prison or who could be sent back to prison on a moments notice. How many women are in this situation? Essentially none.

    There is a men’s movement known as Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW). These men realize that given the Evil that has taken over our society, that interacting with any woman can result in the man getting a death sentence; their assets will be stolen, they will be fired from their job and rendered unemployable, and they will get sent to prison to be raped and tortured. Take a chance on interacting with a woman and you could be killed. All she has to do is claim there was an unwanted sexual advance it will happen even though no crime was committed and there is no evidence to convict; A MAN WILL BE SENT TO PRISON FOR DECADES ON THE VERY ACCUSATION OF A CRIME BY A WOMAN.

    The criminals who control our government would be pleased of course; another man has been sent to prison. Our judicial system would really be pleased because they are the worse criminals of all and they have succeeded in another destroying yet another male. The Media would be pleased too, as it is all to happy to publish lies about how this guy was “single, a loner, a lone-wolf, living in his mother’s basement, stalking women for years … “. Its all lies. Of course it is. The media is lying to the public to cover up the crimes being committed against men. The media is very much a part of the War on Men. Feminists would be really pleased because not only was a man destroyed; now a woman can take this guy’s job; And since he will be a “felon” upon release and on the “sex offenders registry” for the next 75 years, nobody will ever give him a job again or lend him money for a home or even let him rent an apartment. Yeah, he will be living on the street; broke, destitute, homeless. Destroyed; treated like a piece of garbage. And then there is “The Church” who stands by and lets it all happen. Even worse, while the victim (a man) gets sent to prison, they help the perpetrator. Shelter for single women? No problem. They will arrange to have lots of people contribute to supporting single women and the children they HAVE to support because the father who would LOVE to support and be there for his children is, instead, being tortured in prison.

    Does this remind anyone of WW-II ? If it doesn’t, it should. During WW-II, the Catholic Church looked the other way while Jews were rounded up and killed by the millions? The same thing is happening today in America.

    MGTOW preaches there is one and only one solution: TO SHUN AND AVOID WOMEN. The MGTOW movement is about refusing to engage women at all under any circumstances because it is harmful to men’s health and well being. Frankly, its just stupid. Suicidal even. The Red-Pill, yeah I took it and I recommend it to all my male friends. Honestly, given the current situation why would any male get married today?

  29. Natalie December 27, 2012 at 8:59 am #

    “Also, you seem to have the idea that being “head” of your marriage is some absolute, platonic part of your being and not as aspect of your Christian duties and character that can be evaluated.”

    My ability to ‘perform’ Christian duties (if there are such things) and character do not change the fact of my headship as a husband. It is not related to performance. It is not a performance contract with God. Eve’s daughters forever seem to want to turn marriage around and say a man is head only if he earns it, which is an aspect of Eve’s original sin. It deflects responsibility away from herself and onto the serpent.
    Adam is head of his marriage but his sins do not excuse Eve’s. Both are guilty and both are condemned to die as a result. Only Christ can save them.

    Jacob – you fail reading comprehension since I actually said the opposite. Direct quote: “It’s true that “Head of the household” is a absolute position handed down by God, but you can be a good head, an incompetent head, an abdicating head, etc. ” Your headship is an absolute position handed down by God as your role in marriage. Your success in that role depends on your faithfulness and perseverance.

    As for hypergamy – well you said it yourself. You made it clear in your courtship that if your wife wishes to run around then the relationship is over. Establishing boundaries is a decidedly alpha/head thing to do and helps fuel attraction and commitment. However it’s silly to pretend like your marriage can keep coasting along on the attraction built up over a year or two of courtship. If after my marriage I’d promptly started wearing old sweats around the house, cut my hair off butch short, and started farting in bed I’d be killing my husband’s attraction for me. It would be his fault if he cheated on me, but I would be responsible for the way I pushed him away instead of nourishing and cherishing his desire for me. You’re getting hung up on the hamster. A lot of this has very little to do with hamsters and everything to do with basic courtesy and consideration.

  30. Jacob Ian Stalk January 1, 2013 at 5:20 pm #

    @ Natalie,

    Poor writing skills on your part and poor reading comprehension on mine are two sides of the same coin. Take the plank out of your own eye before pointing out the splinter in mine.

    “Your success in that role depends on your faithfulness and perseverance.”

    Agreed, but how does another person, especially my wife determine success or failure? Name a situation that could ever exist where another person can conclusively state that I have succeeded or failed as head of my marriage. Or is it that if my wife sins, I have failed as a husband?

    On what earthly basis can we define marital success in God’s kingdom? God’s plan may be that success is only apparent in the future, even after our death. Who are we, with our foolish systems of classification (Alpha Beta etc) to decide what success looks like to God?

    This comment of yours is true on its face, but the same problem arises:

    “but you can be a good head, an incompetent head, an abdicating head, etc.”

    Who can determine conclusively that a husband is any of these, and on what basis? A lack of Alpha? My wife’s unhaaappiness? Her propensity to sin? Unshackled and uncontrolled hypergamy? Are my faithfulness and perserverence also to be judged along these lines?

    My wife is a sinful creature, just as I am. We are both accountable to God for our behaviour. As her husband, I am the head of our marriage as it is created by our faith in God. This doesn’t require me to make a personality change according to some worldly classification system. What it does require is faith that he’ll guide me as a husband according to the needs of our marriage till death do us part.

    I will try to love my wife until I die. There may be sin but I’ll always try to forgive. There may be frustration and disappointment but I’ll always try to uphold grace and mercy. There may be infidelity but I’ll avoid divorce at all costs. There may be waywardness but I’ll always try to keep our marriage under the cover of Christ. This is what it means to be a Christian husband.

  31. Natalie January 5, 2013 at 11:14 pm #

    Plank? What plank? Could you please describe this object? I’d prefer to get a little more concrete feedback on what you consider to be evidence of my poor writing skills as it’s my goal in life to be ever learning.

    As to the substance of your comments – your wife doesn’t get to decide what sort of head you are although her behavior may be used as circumstantial evidence. Ultimately this is up to God, but if I was considering whether a husband was excelling in his role I would ask the following questions: (note: this list is neither exhaustive or conclusive)

    1. Does he provide or seek to provide (active, continual searching) for his family’s material needs?
    2. Does he lead his family spiritually? This can include prayer/Bible study/spiritual discussions/setting boundaries on the kinds of media that enter the home/etc.
    3. Is their sex life mutually fulfilling, enjoyable, and chaste? Are they attracted to each other?
    4.Does his wife enjoy being around him? Does she respect him? Is their public conversation uplifting and loving towards each other?
    5. Does he set goals in life – both for himself and for his family? Does he consistently guide himself and others towards meeting those goals?
    6. Do his children respect, love, and obey him? Do they obey primarily in fear, or does he have their hears?
    7. Does he love his wife and, in the context of headship, serve, honor, and cherish her? Does he respect her opinions and feel that he has a capable help meet able to assist him in meeting his goals?

    My list is in no particular order, but you can see that it covers some basic territory. A man who refuses to provide for his family or discipline his children has essentially abdicated. This is a judgment most people would be able to make regardless of whether his wife cared or not. A man who can’t meet goals or is wishy washy on discipline is incompetent.
    As for what defines marital success – try a marriage in which God is honored by the way both husband and wife portray the beautiful love story between Christ and the Church.

    Also, I have to say that I love the bit where you say that you’ll just trust God to lead you but absolutely reject one of the ways in which God could quite actually be leading you. You don’t have to accept all of Game Theory. I sure don’t. I just wonder what makes you so very sure that God doesn’t have some message for you in the whole Alpha/Beta scenario?

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