My favorite love-to-hate Christian singles blog, Boundlessline, has done it again with a post on how to ask a girl on a date. The poster, Ted Slater, recounts how he stealth group-dated his now-wife before asking her if she would “consider being in a relationship with [him].” After asking for time to think about it, she came back to him a couple days later and said she would “enter into a courtship” with him. Ted then asked the readership for suggestions on how to ask a girl out and what activities might make a great first date.
Predictably, the comments contain some horrible beta-boy ideas.
Here’s what the first commenter, David, said:
The best way I have found is to ask:
“Do you want to go on a date?”
Then figure it out from there.
Nothing sets a woman’s heart aflame for a man like a deflated, limp-wristed question that gives all of the power to the woman. Men, if you want to show leadership and intentionality (the apogées of desirable masculine traits in the evangelical community), you cannot “respect” a woman’s wishes in this way. What this question really means is, “Please take control of the direction of our relationship.” Does that sound like leadership or intentionality? (Answer: NO.) It also puts the woman in the difficult position of either squirming to find a way not to be forward about her interest if she wants to date you, or squirming to find a way to reject you politely if she doesn’t. Neither choice is ideal. Now, obviously, David must be finding some degree of success with this game plan, or he wouldn’t have recommended it, but it’s not a tactic that will make a woman more attracted to the man who uses it. Only a girl with preexisting interest in the guy would tolerate being asked out in this manner…well, that or she’s desperate to land any date at all.
Here is a better way to ask a girl out:
- Decide when and where you want to take her.
- Go up to her and say, “I want to take you on a date to [place] on [day of the week]. I’ll pick you up at [time]. Your friends and your dad think this is a great idea.”
In three little sentences, you have demonstrated leadership (you are setting the agenda), intentionality (you’ve made it clear it’s a date), and charm (you are gently poking fun at the current courtship craze in evangelicalism, as well as a woman’s propensity to consult her friends’ opinions on all the decisions she makes). See? It’s not that hard. The reason this approach works and is superior to David’s suggestion is that the vast majority of women find masculine confidence irresistible. When you show a woman that you’re a man with a plan, and that plan includes her, she’ll go a little weak in the knees and, when you’re not around, squeal in delight to her jealous girlfriends.
Do note: If you have demonstrated high social value to the girl already (e.g., you are handsome, charming, stable, popular with children, kind to old, disabled, and retarded people, able to quote Bible verses by memory, not afraid to pray in front of a group, a veteran of missions trips, a porn-denouncer, a worship leader who plays an instrument or two, a Bible study leader, and a regular volunteer for service projects and other church activities), you can probably ask the girl out cold and get a yes for an answer. If your credentials are a little less sterling, you should build enough of a rapport with her first so that she doesn’t think you’re creepy and/or desperate. But the minute you know she’s not scared of you, you should make your move. (This helps keep you out of the Friend Zone. As everyone knows, once you’ve been placed in the Friend Zone, it is very difficult to get out of it.)
Be bold. Be brave. Be direct. Be calm. Be prepared for rejection.
But be more prepared for success.