Ladies, stop blaming “the world” for men’s taste in women.

17 Apr

Oh, Boundless, you never disappoint me:

Are your standards of beauty hindering your path to marriage? If you have an expectation in your mind of what your future wife or husband should look like, you may be passing up on a lot of prospects who possess true beauty. And true beauty isn’t always visible at first glance.  On this week’s Roundtable, Lisa, Candice and Sarah not only discuss true beauty but also talk about being good stewards of the beauty that God gave you.

During the podcast, Lisa, Candice, and Sarah offer up a bunch of overspiritualized pap as they explain why looks are an issue between the sexes.  First, Candice, who at least has the sense to admit that no one is blind to looks, tells listeners to stop expecting their future spouses to look like their favorite movie stars.  In a beautiful show of misandry, after telling female listeners not to keep looking for a “Christian Brad Pitt,” she tells male listeners who have “held on this long” not to look for “Christian Barbie.”  In other words, women are attracted to real, albeit exceptionally beautiful, men, whereas men are attracted to unrealistic plastic fantasy women, a.k.a. something that doesn’t even exist.  Nice.  Candice talks about how Pierce Brosnan was her physical ideal during her younger years.  Seriously, though?  This isn’t really the problem.  Candice inadvertently proves this in her next statement — that even while Pierce Brosnan was her ideal, in her everyday interactions with men, she was attracted to a much broader variety of looks.  The idea that Christian young people are so inflexible on specific physical attributes such as hair color and height (e.g., “my husband must be 6’2″ and blond”) is ridiculous on its face.  A preference isn’t a standard.  To imply that this is a widespread phenomenon that is impeding marriage is seeing a tree and deeming it the forest.

Sarah chimes in that a good personality and character are what’s most important.  No shocker there — except that everyone already knows that looks alone will not sustain a relationship.  That’s why so many women date bad boys but ultimately settle down with a nice guy, and vice versa.

Lisa then brings up the concept of “points” — that a male friend told her that men assign points to women based on various characteristics.  Women can lose points for bad personalities, etc., but they will never go beyond that initial threshold.  It’s obvious from Candice, Lisa, and Sarah’s tones of voice that this is Bad.  Lisa then points out that for a woman, men can gain points as a woman gets to know them.  This has a much more favorable reception.  Keep beating the feminist drum, Boundless:  women good, men bad!

Sarah then gives female listeners a pep talk:  it’s not you, it’s God’s will. Yes, she actually tells young women that if a man doesn’t think you meet his attractiveness standards a man isn’t interested in you, then it’s not God’s plan for your life.  This way, instead of feeling that you don’t measure up, you can just understand that it’s not God’s will and remind yourself that you are valuable and worthy in God’s eyes and that’s what really matters.  In other words, the man’s disinterest has nothing to do with the woman!  It’s actually God’s intervention in the woman’s life!  Lisa and Candice then reverently praise her for being so “healthy.”

Lisa, Candice, and Sarah go on to discuss stewardship of looks, i.e., things a woman can do to maximize her looks.  Lisa and Candice talk about how terrible they looked in the ’80s — as if ’80s fashion is what prevented them from being considered attractive.  Except, you know, everyone else was dressing just as badly at the time, yet I’m sure some women were thought attractive then.  Oh, who are we kidding:  those were probably just flukes of lighting or angles.  Sarah says that she asks her sister for advice about hair and clothing and remarks that women can do things like shower, “not smell,” and wear perfume.  Not once did any of these women bring up diet and exercise as the first line of offense in women’s attractiveness — even though a perusal of any men’s blog will reveal repeated statements that a healthy figure is crucial to men’s attraction.  But I suppose any man who brings this up will just get shouted down by Christian women who have been taught to believe that men’s non-interest is God’s will and that men need to accept “true beauty” instead.

But that’s not the end:  Lisa compliments herself on having an open mind about men’s looks but then is honest about being inflexible on a few specifics, such as height.  Then Candice says that she “feels bad” for Lisa for having some inflexible standards!  What if a short man who is otherwise great comes along?  Candice reminds her that there are not enough tall men to go around for all the women who desire tall men and that she may have to compromise.  After all, she has seen short men with taller wives.  Lisa then says that if it’s the Lord’s will, she’ll fall in love with some other guy and carry him over the threshold, women’s lib-style.  Lisa and Candice chuckle.  Women’s lib.  As if!

So, what are the takeaway lessons for young women from this podcast?

  1. Men desire unrealistic fantasy women that they’ve seen in the media and shun the “true beauty” being offered to them on silver platters by single Christian women.
  2. A man’s non-attraction is God’s will and no fault of the woman’s.
  3. Fashion, not figure, is the first thing young women can work on to improve their chances with men.


And there is no better example of this brainwashing line of thinking than this comment left on the post:

I have to say, Candice and Lisa, that I appreciated this topic. Last year, a guy that I dated for about 8 months finally told me that he wasn’t overly impressed with me on our first date (this guy did have a point system, like you said!), and he had never been able to get over the negative first impression. (No more points for me!)

Then he told me that I just didn’t measure up to his preconceived standard of beauty. Now, I’m no model, but I’m not overweight, I’m healthy and attractive and dress “up” and wear a nice amount of makeup.

As hurtful as that (last conversation we ever had) was, what really makes me mad is that the world has destroyed this good Christian guy’s sense of true beauty. I know I’ll never compete with the magazine model. And sadly, that’s what the standard is.

Sarah’s comments to the ladies were right on in the podcast, but I hope that Christian guys can learn to embrace and accept true beauty, too, in the women they know.

What do we have going on here?  Well, the simple explanation is that this woman is a 5 and the young man she was dating is a 7, and her ego is deeply wounded that eight months of her Truly Beautiful personality weren’t enough to overcome her looks deficit.  But let’s break it down from her point of view:

  1. Man has developed an unrealistic standard of beauty due to exposure to the media.
  2. His non-attraction is not her fault.
  3. Her fashion sense inexplicably did not overcome his objections to her face and/or figure.

Hmm, where have I seen these ideas before….?  Yes, I’m sure the reason this relationship didn’t work out is that this young woman’s ex-boyfriend had viewed the Victoria’s Secret catalog and if not for visions of Adriana Lima pouting in a push-up bra, he would not have found this young lady’s looks lacking.  I’m sure he didn’t once offer a prayer to God, asking God for guidance for the relationship or for more physical attraction to this girl who had given him such a negative initial impression.  Let’s all offer a prayer for him right now, that he would get over his worldly, entitled view of women and start developing a love for “true beauty.”  Perhaps someday the Lord will change his heart, and he will become attracted to women he’s not attracted to.  In the meantime, we can clutch our pearls and lament over all the young men who could have good Christian wives, if only they hadn’t bought into the World’s Agenda.  (NOTE:  The only instance in which this young woman could be right is if she were the 7 and the young man were the 5.  In that case, the man would do well to reassess his sexual market value and the resulting caliber of woman he could reasonably hope to attract and keep attracted.  I know the idea of sexual market value is offensive to Christians because it implies that we’re not all on an equal playing field in the mating game, but it exists.  Otherwise we would see a lot more good-looking men married to homely women, especially in the Church.)

The thing is, if Christians want to press the idea that God created men and women and sexuality, then they have to accept the whole kit-and-kaboodle.  This means accepting — yes, in the face of both secular and Church culture — God’s design for sexual attraction.  Women are attracted to leadership, purposefulness, strength, and stability.  Men are attracted to physical beauty, loyalty, gentleness, and grace.  To deny any one of these characteristics is to deny God’s design for sexual attraction.  No amount of cultural pressure or indoctrination will change this design any more than introducing a chicken to a lake will make it interested in swimming.  The best way to capitalize on this design is to recognize that we all bring a certain amount of goods to the mating table and to look for someone who brings a similar amount of goods and understands this concept.  Trying to get more than what you bring only leads to instability and insecurity, because the person who brings less will always have to work harder to make up for the deficit.


5 Responses to “Ladies, stop blaming “the world” for men’s taste in women.”

  1. Jennifer August 19, 2011 at 10:15 pm #

    “except that everyone already knows that looks alone will not sustain a relationship. That’s why so many women date bad boys but ultimately settle down with a nice guy, and vice versa”

    Very true, and so is the point about what you bring to the table. But I’ll tell you this: I’m sick of the idea that a not-particularly-attractive woman can’t get a fine man. This is where the appreciation for true beauty becomes so important, and I despise the idea that numbers for attractiveness need to be set, nor do i buy for an instant that the guy MUST have been a 7 and she was a 5; URGHH! Screw the damn numbers and stressing over smp “value” and standards. Attraction will always be important, but what we need tor ecognize is that people vary in taste, so why strain over who’s a 5 and whether they cna get a 7? Screw that.

  2. Suzette January 31, 2012 at 7:15 am #

    I don’t believe you can’t reset your initial impression. My husband’s first response when he met me was “She’s not that cute.” Granted, I was entertaining a small group of people and he was a little put off by the fact that I didn’t give him more attention than the other guys, and it was 5 am, and I was way too perky for such a horrible hour. But 2 years later, he proposed, and now after 10 1/2 years of marriage, he says I’m more beautiful now than ever.

    I was not healthy when we met, or when we married, but he saw past my health problems and loved me for who I was. I knew how to exercise and eat well, but I was struggling with many medical issues. Then, I learned how to improve my health, which meant not eating wheat because it was killing me. By not being sick, I became more beautiful. To him and to others.

    Health is beautiful. And it is key in being a loving, energetic, supportive spouse. You don’t need to look like a model, but having some qualities in that direction are actually a sign that you are healthy, fertile, and happy. I know happiness is not directly linked with attractiveness, but there is an aspect of being joyful that makes your face beautiful. And that is attractive to women, to men, and to children.

  3. dr.blais May 3, 2013 at 7:22 am #

    you forget that if a man is not visually stimulated. he will not desire sex from his partner.
    and skinny is an attraction to health not looks. fat is not healthy and lazy

  4. Readingup July 22, 2013 at 3:45 am #

    I know my post reeks of cynicism but it is honest:

    Is one to understand that more slim women than fat women can expect to find a partner? As long as a woman is slim and healthy and man will find her attractive and want to marry her? Surely not all single and waiting Christian women are fat and undateable.

    One blogger said many girls in church let 15lbs separate them from a good relationship with a man who would otherwise find them attractive and marry them. No one wants to marry a cow.

    Someone said “marry the man for whom you are the best that he can do”. Maybe what fat girls who haven’t lost the weight and reached the “attractiveness threshold” can do is simply go for who wants them since to be fair good catches deserve good catches. A healthy masculine man deserve a feminine healthy woman.

    It seems the solution for that fat 25 year old single women who doesn’t meet the 5’5″ 115- 145 pound mark is to marry the 54 year old balding, pot bellied, wheezing, limping man who wants you. Plain and simple. Forget the average guys who want slim women if you can’t attain the standard. Let them have them, take what you can get.

    The irony is after 5 years, size 12-14 fat girl with her old, ugly poor man is the same weight and average guy’s size 6 wife had 2 or 3 kids and has blown up is struggling to lose the baby weight and is just as fat or fatter than the size 12-14 girl he rejected. Ha!

    You see we are told men have an attractiveness need, fair enough. They marry slim women, scores of these women have kids get fat, and take a while before they lose the weight what’s next? Does the love continue, do they look for greener pastures? Why is it they can love the sexy woman they fell in love with after she gains but find women the same size too repulsive to start a relationship with?

    Only the strongest and fittest survive, if those who work hard and go from an XL dress to a medium after dieting and exercising are still not enough… then I guess its just natural selection at work.


  1. Blaming current ideals of beauty. « Haley's Halo - June 21, 2010

    […] models/actresses in the magazines, and that’s what men want.”  (I just realized that I’ve actually sort of discussed this issue before on the blog, but it’s an issue that keeps rearing its […]

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