Presentation is of the essence: women’s edition, part 2.

Hey, readers.  I had a crazy week last week that left me mentally drained every night, so the blogging had to be shunted to the backburner.  Thanks to everyone who has continued to visit the site and has contributed to discussion.

Okay, back to the promised second half of my post on how women can maximize their appearance.  In Part 1 I discussed figure and face.  Here I’ll be discussing fashion.

Sometimes I think fashion is the trickiest part of a woman’s appearance to master.  Not every trend favors every woman’s figure, but many women choose their clothing based on trend, regardless of what the clothes actually look like on them.  Others eschew fashion altogether as a frivolous, materialistic, ungodly pursuit and prefer to wear uniforms of shapeless T-shirts and jeans.  Neither approach results in a more attractive woman.

In my opinion, good fashion flatters both the woman’s figure and her complexion and is contemporary.  (Just because something was considered tasteful in 1985 doesn’t mean it’ll still be tasteful today.)  In order to achieve good fashion, a woman should pay attention to the fit and drape of the clothing, the cut of the clothing, and the color and print.

– Fit/Drape

Fit and drape of fabric are just as important to women’s fashion as to men’s.  A garment can be stylish and tasteful and still look horrible on you if the fit and drape are wrong.  You can tell that a piece of clothing has a good fit if it doesn’t gap or bunch anywhere.  A button-down shirt shouldn’t gap between the buttons.  Pants shouldn’t bunch around the ankles or gap at the waist.  They shouldn’t sag at the butt.  The seam where the sleeve meets the body of a shirt should sit at the edge of the shoulder.  In general, your clothes should not look pulled-tight over your body, nor should they make you look like you’re swimming inside them.  Good drape of fabric is indicated by clothes hanging in a natural way off the body, as if gravity is the only force on the clothes.  Clothes shouldn’t look like they’re “caught” somewhere (like across the breasts or shoulders or thighs or stomach).

Often a trip to the tailor can correct problems with fit and drape, but if the alterations are such that it amounts to practically taking the entire garment apart and then re-stitching it to fit you right, you might want to skip on the garment altogether.  Also, DO NOT buy “aspirational” clothing that “someday” you will fit into when you’ve finally lost the fifteen pounds that you’ve been meaning to lose for the last five years.  Buy clothes that fit you NOW and that you will actually wear instead of hang in the corner of your closet and look at every now and then and sigh because you still haven’t lost those pounds.  By the time you actually lose the weight and manage to keep it off, the garment will probably be out of style, anyway.  In general, I advise getting rid of any piece of clothing you haven’t worn in three years.  After three years, most clothing is dated, and if you haven’t worn it in three years, it’s highly unlikely that you’re going to suddenly get inspired and pull it out of the closet and start wearing it.  There’s a reason you didn’t wear it for three years, after all.

– Cut of the clothing

This is closely related to fit/drape.  An item of clothing can fit and hang perfectly on the body, but a poorly selected cut can undermine much of the good of the fit and drape.

The goal of good fashion is to give the impression of the woman having ideal proportions.  The ideal body proportion for women is to have a waist-to-hip ratio (WHR) of 0.7 (the waist measurement is 0.7 times the hip measurement, i.e., the waist measurement is roughly two-thirds that of the hips).  It is also generally considered more attractive and feminine for a woman to have long legs and a long torso.  Unfortunately, most women fall short of the ideal WHR and either don’t have long legs or don’t have a long torso.  This is where the principle of proper cut comes in.

Wearing clothes that are cut to flatter your figure is how you can create the illusion of perfect (or at least closer to perfect) proportions.  I generally think that proper cut is a trial-and-error thing that’s unique to each woman.  There are lots of fashion books that give tips on what to do if you have X body type, but following their advice to the letter won’t necessarily result in a better-looking you.  And just because a garment has a specific cut doesn’t mean that that garment itself is going to flatter you.  Even within cuts, you have to evaluate each garment individually.  Not all V-necks are created equal.  What you want to strive for is balance.  If you have a short waist, high-waisted pants won’t elongate your torso.  If you have short legs, really baggy pants won’t create an illusion of long line.  If you have a short neck, a V-neck may be more flattering on you than a crew neck.  And so on.

Usually if you do enough trial-and-error-ing, you will start to find that certain cuts work for you and that certain brands make those cuts in ways that are especially flattering on you.  Don’t be above buying several of the same shirt in multiple colors if the shirt works for you.  It’s better to wear a lot of the same thing that looks great than to wear a variety of things that look so-so.

– Color and print

Women’s clothing has much more vibrant colors and variety of colors than men’s clothing, so women should take advantage of that.  If your wardrobe is mainly olive green, slate blue, washed-out brown, and different shades of gray, your wardrobe is probably not catching the eyes of very many people, especially not men, whose wardrobes consist largely of the same colors.

Back in the ’80s, it was very popular to determine which colors looked best on you by classifying you as a “season”  according to your hair and eye color.  “Springs” looked good in neutrals, “summers” in pastels, “autumns” in rusts, and “winters” in bolds.  While I don’t think it’s necessary to be that strict, every woman has colors that she favors more than others.  In my opinion, it’s more important to pay attention to the tone (the lightness or darkness) and the saturation (intensity) of the color than the hue itself.  Don’t limit yourself by saying, “I can’t wear green.”  No matter your coloring, you probably can wear green; you just won’t look as good in all tones or saturations of green.

As for prints, be aware of the expanding property of prints.  I tend to avoid them because they make me look wider; as lovely as all the flowery skirts are that are out there, they often make me look like a wide load.  My feeling about prints is that they should accent your outfit, not be the focal point of the outfit.  If the print is the main thing drawing attention to what you’re wearing, be very sure that the printed garment flatters the part of the body it’s on.

Re: stripes – I rarely buy anything striped, especially if it’s horizontal.  Sometimes large, blocky stripes can be okay, but for the most part, stripes often tend to be too busy and too casual…plus, there’s the whole widening thing.

A few other things I thought of:

– Accessories

Not being overly burdened with wealth, I don’t own a lot of accessories (bracelets, earrings, necklaces, scarves, shoes).  Well-chosen accessories, though, can dress up (or dress down) an outfit and provide a contrasting accent.  Often just the accessories can make the difference between a casual and a dressy look.  Different accessories can also multiply the number of outfits you have (like wearing the same shirt with two different scarves).

– Wardrobe basics

Once you’re out of college, it’s a good idea to start building a wardrobe with items that will last you years, rather than just a season or two.  These are the items that are more timeless and are worth spending a little more on.  Having high-quality basics will make your entire wardrobe look pricier.  Here are some items that I think are indispensable to a contemporary (and usually professional) woman’s wardrobe:

– Dark wash jeans – Jeans are ubiquitous these days and are now made stylishly enough that they can be used in both casual and dressy settings.  Dark wash is the most versatile, so if you must buy one type of jeans, buy these.  They can be dressed up with a nice top and heels, or dressed down with a T-shirt and jeans.  I like high-end jeans (>$150) due to their not stretching out with wear, but you can find dark wash jeans at any price point, from Old Navy and Target on up.  A classic straight leg or slightly boot cut will flatter most women’s figures and look the most sophisticated.

– Black pants – Black pants are also extremely versatile and can go from office-wear to date-wear with a change of your top and shoes.  Express’s Editor pant is an affordable, medium-quality cut that is flattering on a lot of body types.  Banana Republic and J.Crew also make pants that work for this purpose and are a little more conservative in their cuts.

– Knee-length black dress – There’s virtually nowhere the “little black dress” can’t go.  You can dress it up or down with shoes and accessories, and if you choose the cut wisely, it may never go out of style.  If you have figure flaws you’re looking to cover up, it’s hard to go wrong with an A-line silhouette.

– Cardigan – Cardigans came back into style in the mid-’90s and refuse to leave.  Cardigans are an excellent layering garment for those times when you can’t tell what the weather will be like.  They can also add modesty to a sleeveless or strapless dress or top.  Black is the most versatile color, but gray and other neutrals can enhance any wardrobe as well.

– Knee-length coat – Depending on where you live, you probably should have one for spring/summer/fall and one for winter.  The belted trench is a classic style that’s “in” right now, but unbelted is fine, too.  Knee-length is versatile enough for just about any occasion except the most formal, in which case calf-length is more appropriate.  Make sure the coat does not add bulk to your silhouette.

– A bra that fits right – Your clothes will drape and lie better if you’re properly, um, arranged.  If you have never had a bra fitting, it’s something worth looking into.  At the very least, it will confirm that you’re already wearing the correct size.  You can have a fitting at any major department store or lingerie shop like Victoria’s Secret.  If you want to measure yourself, VS has a how-to guide.

– Underwear that doesn’t give you Visible Panty Lines – Your butt shouldn’t look like it’s divided into fourths.  That is all.

Okay, I think that about covers it, at least for now.  Overall, a wardrobe is an investment, and if you treat it like one, it will repay itself many times over over time.  Don’t be afraid to spend now for something that fits great, looks great, and is a quality garment that you will wear many times.  And while you’re at it, clean out your current closet using the Three Year Rule.  You’ll feel much better about buying new things if you have room for them in your closet.

OT: SWPL spotting

I saw this the other day when I was getting off the 405:

Just so the picture makes sense:  the car is a hybrid.  (Yes, my camera phone has terrible resolution.)

The most painful LJBFing (for a woman).

Don’t worry, faithful readers.  I haven’t forgotten about the second half of the last post.  Stay tuned.

I saw the movie Just Wright on Friday.  For those unfamiliar, it’s a romantic sort-of-comedy, sort-of-drama starring Queen Latifah, Common, and Paula Patton as a physical therapist, NBA star, and gold-digger, respectively.  Obviously, Queen Latifah and Common’s characters end up together at the end, but not before navigating a shapely bump in the road called Paula Patton.  In this case, Patton’s character’s gold-digging strikes very close to home since she is Latifah’s character’s godsister.

Although the script never fleshes the characters out much beyond the surface, a lot of women will be able to relate to Latifah’s Leslie, who is always passed over by men for Patton’s Morgan and long ago learned to accept that men will always see her as the “friend.”  Common’s Scott is no different:  despite some sparks with Leslie during a chance meeting at a gas station, the minute he sees Morgan, Leslie is but an afterthought.  In practically the blink of an eye, Scott proposes to Morgan, assuring his skeptical mother that Morgan is different from the girls he normally encounters.  The future looks set — until Scott injures his knee during a game midway through the basketball season.  Scott’s agent arranges for a top-notch physical therapist to work with Scott, but when the therapist turns out to be a sexy blonde, Morgan gets Leslie to work with Scott instead.  It’s while Leslie is rehabilitating Scott that Morgan returns Scott’s ring with a note, telling an irate Leslie that she can’t be married to a has-been.  It’s also during this time that Leslie and Scott begin to get closer.

Although nothing unpredictable happens in this movie, it did contain what I thought was one of the most painfully realistic moments that most women have experienced at least once in their lives:  the female version of “let’s just be friends.”  In the scene, Scott asks Leslie why her phone isn’t blowing up with calls and texts.  He points out that in the time she’s been working for him, she hasn’t been going on dates.  Leslie absorbs his observations with dignity and simply says that she’s single.  I’m not sure that any woman can go through this experience without feeling slightly humiliated, especially when the person who has noticed that you’re a romantic dud is someone you’re attracted to.  But Scott unknowingly makes the experience even worse, because he goes on to say (helpfully, I’m sure, in his mind) that Leslie is smart, funny, and attractive.

It’s really the fact that he says Leslie is attractive that twists the knife.  Most women enjoy hearing that they are smart and funny.  If a man whom a woman is attracted to tells her that she is smart and funny, she will maybe feel a little disappointment that he didn’t say more, but she generally will not feel despair.  It’s when the issue of looks enters the picture that women can really be devastated.

Women instinctively know that their looks matter to men and that some men will never be attracted to them because of their appearance.  Much as women hate the priority that looks have, all women want to be considered attractive by men, especially men they’re attracted to.  As a result, nothing is quite so painful as being told you are physically attractive yet the man doesn’t want you.  This is by far the most horrible way that a man can “let’s just be friends” a woman.  A woman can get over “you’re really cool, I like you a lot, but I just don’t see us this way,” but a woman will feel her soul being crushed when a man says, “you are beautiful, but I don’t have any feelings for you.”  Every woman’s next thought is, “If you think I’m beautiful but don’t want to be with me, then there must be something terribly wrong with me.”  Every woman’s brain translates the man’s words as “I would fall in love with and/or have sex with every horrible, lying, ugly, stupid shrew in the world before I would fall in love with or have sex with you.”  It’s not just a rejection of her as a person, it’s a rejection of her as a woman.

Obviously, in the movie, Scott comes around and sees that Leslie really is the right person for him, so all’s well that ends well.  (Although I had to suspend disbelief that an NBA star would marry and, presumably, remain faithful to a woman, much less a woman of Leslie’s size.  I just can’t believe that an NBA star as big as Scott would not have a nationwide harem with svelte “girlfriends” in every city.)  Anyhow, my point is this:  men, if you really care about a woman, don’t compliment her looks directly unless you have immediate intentions to act romantically.  In other words, it’s fine to say “you look nice today” or “I like that dress on you.”  It is NOT okay to say “YOU are attractive” or “YOU are beautiful.”  Especially not beautiful.  I highly recommend not saying “you are beautiful” to a woman unless the next words out of your mouth are “I love you.  Will you marry me?”

P.S.  for the Culture Police types – The movie is a very true PG.  There is next to nothing objectionable in the film other than a very brief, very not-showing-anything love scene between Leslie and Scott.  No language, and Leslie has a very good relationship with her married parents.

Presentation is of the essence: women’s edition, part 1.

A while back I wrote a post describing how men can maximize their looks by tending to the three Fs:  fitness, follicles, and fashion.  Women can do the same by tending to their three Fs:  figure, face, and fashion.  Also, I just want to clarify that looking good should not just be for the purpose of attracting a husband or boyfriend.  Looking good will improve your life mentally, emotionally, and physically, and give you greater confidence – which will in turn make you more attractive to the opposite sex.  For my Christian readers, I suppose this is where I’m supposed to remind you that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, and that the Holy Spirit don’t want to live in no junk!  Very generally speaking, though, I think that the state of the body is a partial reflection of spiritual health.  I don’t think it’s any coincidence that the United States is experiencing both a spiritual quagmire and an obesity epidemic.  But I’ll save that for another post.

Back to the point of this post, though, which is how women can maximize their appearance!  Obviously I have more to say on this because (a) I am a woman, and therefore have personal experience with most of the issues that women face in this area, and (b) there’s simply more that women have to do to pass muster.

FIGURE

Unfortunately for women, men value a woman’s figure much more than women value a man’s physique.  For many men, the poundage you carry will make the difference between whether he sees you as the Eternal Friend With A Good Personality or as the Potential Wife.  This means that unless you’re naturally slender and don’t put on weight easily, you’re going to have to watch what you eat and get regular exercise.  In other words, you will have to develop some self-discipline if you don’t already have it.

– Diet

Eat greater amounts of lean protein, fruits, and vegetables, and drink more water.  Limit starchy and greasy foods and high-sugar drinks like fruit juices and sodas.  (Sodas are empty calories to the max.  Eating Special K for breakfast is worthless if you’re chugging down two Big Gulps a day.)  Stay away from processed foods like TV dinners and “instant” meals where you add water and stick it in the microwave.  These are usually high in salt and fat…hello, water retention!  Learn the basics of cooking if you don’t know how to cook; not only will your food prep be healthier, your food bill will also decrease.  I recommend Betty Crocker Cooking Basics as a starter cookbook if you really don’t know what you’re doing in the kitchen.  This book has easy-to-follow instructions, great photos, and recipes that won’t make you the next Bobby Flay but will enable you to make tasty meals with common ingredients.

For singles who are cooking for one, a toaster oven or a small George Foreman grill are really easy ways to bake or grill meats in single servings.  I also tend to buy frozen vegetables and nuke them in the microwave.  Frozen vegetables take the pressure off trying to eat perishable foods fast enough.

– Exercise

Find an exercise plan that you can stick to and easily incorporate into your life.  Don’t join a gym if you’re only going to go once a month or if you’re too shy to use the equipment in front of strangers.  Don’t buy expensive home gym equipment or faddish workout DVDs.  Unless you are really passionate about exercise, don’t invest in anything that requires you to spend an hour a day working out; you will run out of enthusiasm quickly and then be stuck with a bulky or expensive (or both) investment that you don’t use.  My preferred methods of exercising are brisk walking around the neighborhood and a core strengthening Pilates DVD.  Walking briskly for 20-25 minutes three times a week will take at least an inch off each thigh; it will also tighten up your booty and tone your calves.  Plus, it’s free, which is everyone’s favorite price.  If you’re the type of person who needs some accountability, recruit a friend and go walking together.  Just keep the pace brisk; you should be slightly out of breath at the end.  The Pilates DVD has helped to tone up my thighs, abs, glutes, and arms, but even better is the added endurance for sitting, standing, and walking.

Another option to try, if you are willing to spend some money, is Wii Fit Plus for the Nintendo Wii.  One of my friends has it, and it is a blast.  It has so many different exercise options that you won’t get stuck in a rut.  Also, the exercises are short.  Wii Fit Plus also has the ability to track your progress.  If you’re motivated by visible results and are more electronically inclined, Wii Fit Plus may be for you.  Another bonus is that you can exercise in the privacy of your living room or wherever you have a TV.

Overall, the goal for feminine fitness should be to have a healthy body for your body type.  Don’t be discouraged that you don’t have the body of a millionaire supermodel or actress.  Those women’s JOB is having a perfect body, and only a very small percentage of women have the genes that make them eligible for that job, anyway.  And a lot of even those women struggle with maintaining their figures.  (Also…most eligible men in your circle will never have a chance with a woman of Hollywood-caliber looks.  Only the most delusional man is going to hold out for the Christian version of Jessica Alba or Megan Fox — and even if one showed up at church, who’s to say she’d go for him?  Most men, when faced with the choice of a real live woman who takes care of herself vs. his imagination, will choose the real live woman.)

FACE

After figures, most men are interested in a woman’s face.  While underlying bone structure more or less determines who’s the fairest of them all, every woman can maximize her facial beauty by taking care of her skin and smartly using makeup to enhance her best features and downplay her, um, not so perfect ones.

– Complexion

A good complexion is a marker of good health, which, for obvious reasons, is attractive.  Eating right and drinking water will improve anyone’s complexion.  Also, find a skin care regimen that works for you.  It doesn’t have to be expensive, but you should be cleansing your face in the morning and at night before you go to bed.  Also, use moisturizer.  Moisturizer keeps the skin hydrated, which allows light to reflect more evenly and gives you a more youthful, luminous glow.  Finally, use sunscreen to help protect yourself from sun damage, which will age your skin.  A lot of moisturizers come in versions that include sunscreen, so you can kill two birds with one stone.  (My skincare for years has been Mary Kay’s Timewise cleanser for oily skin and moisturizer with SPF 15.  I have tried other products periodically, but none have kept me from breaking out and made my skin soft the way that the MK Timewise does.)

– Brows

Brows are an area that is often ignored by fashion and beauty articles.  Well-groomed eyebrows will make your face look more refined and more feminine.  If you’ve never had your brows waxed (or threaded), especially if you have thick or bushy brows, consider having your brows done.*  Done right, they will help shape your face, open up your expression, and draw more attention to your eyes.  If you have thin, light eyebrows, you can fill in your brows with a brow pencil or powder.  Brows that are too dark and overpowering can be lightened with bleach.

* Make sure your brows are done by an esthetician.  Hairdressers usually don’t specialize in brows, making it more probable that the experience will hurt and/or that she will mess up in some way.  I know this from personal experience.

– Makeup

There is actually some debate in Christian circles over whether or not women should wear makeup.  I obviously think it’s okay, but I don’t think any woman should feel pressured to wear it because otherwise she’s a failure as a woman.

The basic purpose of makeup is to enhance your best features and downplay your worst ones.  Exactly how much makeup or the types of products you use are up to your preference, but a good makeup job will not draw attention to the makeup.  It also doesn’t matter so much whether you use expensive or drugstore products.  Everyone’s skin is different and will react to makeup differently.  What I do like about higher-end makeup, though, are a couple of things.  One is the opportunity to test it in the store at the counter.  Just because it looks a certain way in the tube doesn’t mean it’s going to look that way on your face — or stay that color as you’re wearing it.  I also think higher-end stuff has better color selection for foundations…I find that drugstore foundations tend to be too pink or too peachy.  The other main reason is that I generally find higher-end makeup to wear better:  it goes on more smoothly, it blends more easily, it lasts longer, and you don’t need to use as much as you would with cheaper stuff.

If you’re not very familiar with makeup, here’s a quick primer on different products and their uses:

Foundation – Used to even out your skin tone, hide blemishes and redness.  Comes in liquid, powder, or creme forms; finish can be matte or luminous.  Foundation should match your skin tone and not leave a visible line of demarcation on your jaw line; your face and neck should match.  Good foundation also helps to control oil and shine on the face.  For those not needing the coverage of foundation, tinted moisturizer is a sheer option.  Foundation is often set with loose or pressed powder.  (You just dust it over your face with a brush or puff.)

Blush – Highlights the cheeks, can also be used to contour the face (e.g., make a round face or nose look narrower, shorten a long face, accentuate the cheekbones).  Comes in powder and creme forms.

Mascara – Lengthens, thickens, and/or adds curl to lashes.  Gives color to pale lashes.  The most common colors are black and brown, but you can also find blues, greens, and purples.  If you have small eyes, using a lash curler before applying mascara can help your eyes look larger.

Lipstick – Adds color to the lips.  Intensity ranges from sheer to shiny to matte…really, every finish and color are available.  Lip gloss adds shine to the lips and also comes in a variety of colors, though the pigmentation won’t be as intense as with lipstick (ergo, a good choice for a younger girl).

In my opinion, these four products are the main ones you need for a basic, everyday face.  If you want to add more emphasis to the eyes, you can use eyeliner and eyeshadow, but these can be a little trickier to use.  A lot of women make the mistake of not blending and using colors that are too harsh for their skin tone, so they end up looking like raccoons with hard, black lines ringing their eyes.  This is a cheap look.  You want to avoid that.

For some good makeup tutorials, I recommend the pixiwoo channel on YouTube.  It’s run by a couple of English sisters who are professional makeup artists.  They know their stuff, plus they’re very personable and lots of fun to listen to with their accents.

Oops, this post got really long, so I’m going to split it into two parts.  Stay tuned for my Very Important thoughts on fashion.

Why Christian girls have so few boyfriends.

I was reading the comments at another blog, and one commenter mentioned how “shocking” it is that so many cute Christian girls in their late 20s/early 30s have only had one or zero boyfriends in their entire lives.  Honestly, this kind of news is only “shocking” if you don’t know anything about conservative Christian culture.  Here’s how a reasonably attractive, non-psycho Christian girl of, say, age 32 can go boyfriend-less her entire life:

• Very poor male/female ratio of singles at church. If mating is a numbers game, women are on the losing side.  Most churches that are not specifically targeted to single professionals (a.k.a. “seeker churches”) have a low singles population.  Of the singles who are regular attenders, the majority of them will be women.  Of the men, a lot of them will be “old” or weird.
• Single men at church do not initiate. If there are any single men who pass muster, they often aren’t asking out the single women at their church.  Sometimes this is due to fear of social ostracism (i.e., ask out too many women and you get a rep of being an indiscriminate player who’s only looking for a warm body), sometimes it’s a lack of sexual interest…in general, sometimes it’s immaturity, sometimes it’s apathy, and sometimes it actually IS that all of the single women at church are fat and/or damaged.
• Refusal to date both non-Christians and nominal Christians. Most “good” Christian girls will not hang out at places where the average (non-Christian) man will go to meet women, such as bars, clubs, sporting events, house parties where alcohol is served, or the mall.  They are much more likely to be found in the church nursery, leading a youth group retreat, helping out at a women’s shelter, attending a small group Bible study, baby-sitting the children of married Christian friends, on a missions trip, hanging out with her parents and family, or at a game night sponsored by the college & career group at church.  Should a good Christian girl actually meet a non-Christian man who is attracted to her, she will most likely be very wary of him as a romantic prospect and will refuse to go on a date with him if he asks, due to the biblical command not to be yoked (married) to unbelievers (2 Cor. 6:14).  Ditto for a man who is nominally a Christian (i.e., claims to be a Christian yet doesn’t “bear fruit”).

Other factors can come into play as well — being too picky is a problem regardless of creed — but these three points cover the major reasons that Christian girls endure such long periods of singleness.  In the end it’s pretty much a numbers game, and the girls are losing it.

ManLingo: “smart girl”

Quite often you will hear men complain that there are no “smart girls” in their social circles to date.  Even a quick perusal of good ol’ Craigslist, that bastion of high standards, will reveal a desire to have sex with date a “smart” or “intelligent” woman.  Educated single women hear/read stuff like this and immediately begin bashing their heads against their desks.  Hello, we’re right here, they think as they silently curse eHarmony, match.com, OKCupid, and the universe.

Several years ago I came to the conclusion that what men mean by “smart” and what women mean by “smart” are really two different things.  When a man says he wants to date/marry a “smart” or “intelligent” woman, he means:

• A woman who will laugh at his jokes
• A woman who will be impressed by him/his job/his car/etc.
• A woman who is only moderately helpless (i.e., needs his help in many different areas of her life but doesn’t have to use her fingers to calculate 2+2)
• A woman who also meets his minimum standard of attractiveness (because no man who’s surrounded by, say, dumb, homely women is going to complain first that they’re all dumb)

What “smart” or “intelligent” does NOT mean to a man is (not an exhaustive list):

• Has an IQ exceeding 120
• Got good grades in high school or was even class valedictorian
• Got an academic scholarship to college
• Has a graduate-level degree
• Knows times tables through 13×13
• Can easily converse about politics, religion, science, art, music, and popular culture with both breadth and depth
• Is witty
• Doesn’t need a calculator to calculate a tip at a restaurant
• Knows how to change the oil in her car, fix a clogged drain, or hook up the home theater just from reading the manual
• Has an SAT-worthy vocabulary
• Is a brilliant writer
• Reads dozens of non-fiction and/or award-winning books per year
• Keeps getting promoted at work with stellar job reviews
• Kills at Brain Age 2
• Taught herself Latin by reading Harrius Potterus et Philosophi Lapis

This is not to say that a man won’t objectively acknowledge a woman’s brains if she meets criteria from the second list.  It’s just that, for all practical intents and purposes, all he really cares about is the first list.  Plus, it’s simpler (and sounds better) to say “I want to date/marry a smart woman.”

What does a woman mean by “smart”?  She means a keen, quick, analytical mind that can easily and clearly express itself.  Advanced verbal skills (especially syntax and vocabulary) are powerful and attractive indicators of intelligence to a woman, especially when paired with wit.  Intelligence sans social skills/social intelligence is generally not attractive.

Aloof vs. So-Aloof-You’re-A-Jerk.

I meet weekly with a group of single women from my church for a combination Bible study/fellowship group.  Yesterday since only three of us showed up, discussion was firmly in the “fellowship” camp.  One of my friends shared the story of what had happened when she went on a date with a younger guy from church.  He was a guy she had gotten to know, who constantly said to her that they should hang out.  Because he was several years younger, she was hesitant but felt that she should go in with an open mind.  So, she accepted.

They went to a movie.  Afterward, he did not make any conversation.  They also met up with his friends (I think?), and he sat on the opposite side of the table from her and also talked about another girl he was interested in.

Needless to say, my friend was not impressed…but what do you know, the guy called the next day to say that he’d had a great time and that they should do it again.

Men, if you’re going to single a woman on a date, then that date really needs to be exclusive.  Don’t bring your buddies along, do be the leader in making conversation, and by all means DO NOT EVER talk about another woman you’re interested in.  You may think that you’re being cool and aloof and demonstrating higher value (i.e., non-neediness) as well as self-social proofing, but all this does is make the woman deeply uncomfortable and confused, and possibly embarrassed.

The disappointing thing about this is that this young man is otherwise a stereotypical “great guy” treading in Youth Group Guy territory.  All he did on this occasion was disappoint my friend, as well as hurt his own reputation (which is now “nice guy but too immature and not ready to date”).

Being a little aloof on a date is good.  You don’t want to come across as overly attentive; that’s a big turn-off.  But going in the opposite direction to the extreme is a huge mistake as well.  You’ll just end up on a date with a woman who is wondering why you even bothered to ask her out.

The most famous chastity story of all time?

No, I’m not referring to Britney Spears circa 1999-2001.

I was thinking the other day about the Bible story of Joseph and Potiphar’s wife.  For those who are woefully ignorant unfamiliar, basically what happens is that Joseph, one of Jacob’s twelve sons, is sold into slavery by his jealous older brothers.  He is purchased by Potiphar, the Egyptian Pharaoh’s captain of the guard.  God gives Joseph success in everything he does, and Joseph rises through the servant ranks.  Eventually, Potiphar puts Joseph in charge of his entire household, which prospers as a result.  Unsurprisingly, Potiphar’s wife starts getting massive gina tingles, to use a Roissy-ism noticing that Joseph has both a great face and great bod, and eventually starts coming on to him.  Joseph, however, respects both God and Potiphar and refuses Mrs. Potiphar, explaining that he cannot betray his master or sin against God by sleeping with her.  Joseph starts to avoid Mrs. Potiphar, who only finds this resistance more gina-tingling refuses to take no for an answer and continues her pursuit.

One day Mrs. Potiphar manages to corner Joseph when the house is empty.  According to the biblical account, she grabs his cloak and once again asks Joseph to sleep with her, but he runs out of the house, leaving the cloak in her hands.  Mrs. Potiphar then calls to her servants and accuses Joseph of trying to rape her.  She holds on to Joseph’s cloak and waits for Potiphar to come home.  She then repeats her fake rape attempt story to her husband, who flies into a rage and has Joseph thrown into jail.  (The story ends well:  Joseph prospers in jail just as he did in Potiphar’s household and eventually is put in charge of the prison, and one thing leads to another and blah-de-blah ends up being Pharaoh’s Number One, saves Egypt from famine, and ends up having a happy reunion with his family.)

The Bible doesn’t give us any details about Potiphar’s wife other than that she tried to seduce Joseph and, when spurned, epitomized “hell hath no fury” revenge.  As a result, it’s very easy to superimpose your own image of what Potiphar’s wife must have been like.  When I was growing up, I always pictured her as a cougar-ish, menopausal woman who was clearly past the prime of her beauty but accustomed to wealth and privilege.  I imagined her heavily-made up eyes following Joseph around like a hungry hawk, and her pouncing on him unawares, aggressively demanding sex at random times.  I imagined her howling like a banshee and her indulgent husband white knighting for her honor.  And as far as I can recall, no pastor or speaker that I’ve listened to has ever presented a really different idea of what Potiphar’s wife was like.

It’s very possible that Potiphar’s wife really was a menopausal cougar, an Ancient Egyptian crazy lady who refused to accept that she’d grown old and unattractive to men and basically had a psychotic breakdown when confronted with reality.  There’s nothing about this take on Mrs. Potiphar that doesn’t jive with Scripture, or feminine nature as we know it today.  Any woman who’s brazenly thrown herself at a man and been rejected usually suffers a horrible mixture of rage, embarrassment, and depression all at once.  Mrs. Potiphar’s reaction, while a bit extreme, really isn’t anything out of the ordinary, especially if you watch a lot of Cops or any of the myriad of judge shows on afternoon TV.

More recently, though, in light of reading some Game blogs, I’ve started to rethink my idea of Potiphar’s wife.  For starters, if Mrs. Potiphar were old and menopausal and therefore not all that attractive to a younger man whose own attractiveness was starting to peak, would it have been such an issue to turn her down?  Why would Joseph’s refusal seem to contain an element of regret?  Gen. 39:8-9 says,

“But he refused.  ‘With me in charge,’ he told her, ‘my master does not concern himself with anything in the house; everything he owns he has entrusted to my care.  No one is greater in this house than I am.  My master has withheld nothing from me except you, because you are his wife.  How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?'”

This doesn’t sound like a dude saying, in essence, “Mrs. Potiphar, I’m not the kind of guy who sleeps with his boss’s wife, but even if I were, well…I’m, uh, just not that into you.”  Instead, Joseph seems to be saying, “Look, you’re really attractive, and if the circumstances were different, maybe we’d have a chance.  But because things are the way they are, we don’t and can’t.  I’m sorry.  You need to accept this.”  Another point to consider is that Potiphar was a very powerful man.  As captain of the guard, not many men in Egypt had higher social standing than Potiphar.  It seems very believable that Potiphar would have had a young, beautiful trophy wife rather than an aging crone of a wife.  Maybe Mrs. Potiphar was even the second or third Mrs. Potiphar (the previous ones being “retired” as Potiphar ascended in rank).

The story takes on a much more dramatically and emotionally interesting read when you put a young, gorgeous, attentive, and admiring Mrs. Potiphar into the story.  It wouldn’t have been (as) hard for Joseph to turn down a 40-something, papyrus-skinned Mrs. Potiphar whose bathroom was stocked with twenty different Jewel of the Nile anti-aging cold creams and mud masks.  I imagine it would have been painfully difficult to turn down a soft-bodied, sweet-smelling, lush-lipped Mrs. Potiphar who was always impressed by the way he did things and never failed to say so, who might have teased him about finding the right girl for him while looking at him from under long, sooty lashes, who was open about being lonely and not able to relate to her much-older, always busy, never there husband.

It’s easy to imagine this scenario:  New slave Joseph proves again and again that he’s very good at whatever task he is given, and what’s more, he doesn’t gripe or complain.  The other servants like and respect him, and Potiphar starts to realize that Joseph is a much better administrator than the guy who’s currently in charge of the house.  Potiphar says “smell ya later” to the current guy and puts Joseph in charge of the household.

With Joseph in charge, the household has never run better.  It’s clean and organized, bills are paid on time, the other servants are getting along and are more productive, and Joseph is even talking about getting those long-put-off renovations taken care of.  Potiphar is thrilled and wonders why he didn’t put Joseph in charge much earlier.  At night, Potiphar talks up Joseph to his gorgeous new wife, who agrees that Joseph is doing a great job and mentally makes a note to take a closer look at Joseph herself.

Joseph notices that Mrs. Potiphar is being more friendly these days.  She also looks and smells amazing as she teases him about his cute accent.  Joseph reminds her that he’s busy, but he’s struck by her charm.  His boss is a lucky man.

Joseph is inspecting part of the property with another servant, making notes for improvements, when Mrs. Potiphar joins them.  Joseph greets her with a smile and begins to tell her about his tentative plans to landscape the area.  Mrs. Potiphar listens politely for a few minutes, then dismisses the other servant, saying she has business to discuss with Joseph.  Joseph asks her what she needs help with.  Mrs. Potiphar says that her husband is going to be out of town for a few days.  Joseph says that Potiphar had recently informed him — just a business trip, nothing major.  Mrs. Potiphar lays a hand on Joseph’s arm and says that they can get to know each other better while her husband is away.  Every hair on Joseph’s body stands on end.  He jokes that they know each other pretty well already, as he can name her favorite foods, how she likes her clothes laundered, and what her favorite song is.  Mrs. Potiphar tells Joseph that she knows he can feel the chemistry between them and that it’s not wrong.  And they get along so well, Joseph really gets her, unlike her husband.  She asks Joseph if he’s ever wondered what it would be like to be with her.  Joseph’s brain is about to explode — she’s standing so near, it would be so easy to take a taste — and then somehow all of his convictions about God and his morals come rushing back, and he removes her hand from his arm and tells her that she is the one thing he cannot have, and that he could not betray his master nor sin against God this way.  To his surprise, Mrs. Potiphar doesn’t seem disappointed; oddly enough, she seems charmed.  Joseph quickly excuses himself and goes back to the house.

Joseph does everything in his power not to be in the same room as Mrs. Potiphar.  When she enters a room, he leaves.  When she calls for him, he sends another servant in his place.  But he can’t avoid her always, and he endures some very tension-filled moments where he tries not to look her directly in the eyes.  At night he prays for relief from the situation, but none seems to come.  Things get to the point where the other servants have started whispering about them.

One day Joseph goes to the house to look for some documents in storage.  The house is quiet since all of the other servants are outside.  Joseph opens the closet where Potiphar keeps his files and is so deep in thought mode that he doesn’t notice that someone else has entered the room.  A rush of cool air on his back — his cloak — he spins around to see his master’s wife clutching his cloak to her chest, her eyes full of feminine victory.  He stammers her name — she presses a finger to his lips as she comes closer.  “I’m yours,” she says, and now her hands are touching his chest.  “You can have me however you want.”  Joseph tries to speak — no words come — her touch burns trails of fire — all his blood — her tunic drops to the floor  — “I’ve given the servants a lot of work.  We won’t be bothered.”  Suddenly he receives a bright-white moment of clarity — and he runs — runs hard — past the servants — to the most distant corner of the property.

Inside the house, Potiphar’s wife is stunned and embarrassed.  Joseph left.  He ran.  He ran away from her, when she offered him the finest curves he could ever hope to find in all of Egypt.  She picks up her tunic and starts to redress — and then it occurs to her:  what if he tells Potiphar, or word somehow leaks out?  Potiphar adores Joseph, like a combination of a brother and a son.  Fear paralyzes her for a moment; Potiphar is a permissive husband but very possessive.  He will not suffer a wayward wife.  Self-preservation kicks in, along with a hot streak of anger.  Joseph just made a huge mistake.  He didn’t know who he was messing with.  No one walks away from her and gets off scott free.  She screams, then screams louder.  She hears the sound of running footsteps, and within seconds, two servants burst into the room.  Potiphar’s wife clutches her tunic to her body with one hand.  In the other hand she holds Joseph’s cloak.  “He tried to rape me!” she screams.

When Potiphar arrives home from work, the atmosphere at the house is chillingly subdued.  A servant greets him.  “Your wife would like to speak with you.”

Potiphar finds his wife lying in bed, disheveled and listless.  He asks what’s wrong, and she tells him.  Potiphar can hardly believe it — but his wife wouldn’t lie — of course Joseph would have tried to take her, she’s beautiful, and Potiphar had given Joseph too much power.  A seed of anger bursts into a raging fire.  He yells to his servants.

As Joseph is being escorted out of the house, Potiphar can’t bear to watch.  As angry as he is about Joseph’s betrayal, he can’t help but feel pain at losing the best house manager, and maybe even friend, he’s ever had.  Kid was so promising.  Such a shame.

Where the boys are…I think.

One of the big frustrations of single Christian women is that single Christian men are scarce.  By “single Christian men,” I mean men who are active, practicing, unmarried Christians who attend church regularly, not Chreasters or “I go to church when I remember…once every three months…if I’m not too hungover.”  (It seems silly to have to qualify this, but based on the adventures of one of my friends with eHarmony, it’s necessary.)  I was going to write up a post discussing where the boys might be and all of the related pros and cons, but then I figured that a table would be far easier to digest.  (Plus, I love tables.)

LOCATION	PROS	CONS
The church you attend	Preselection/social proof Likelihood of agreement on core beliefs	Fierce competition Overfamiliarity Post-college, usually all the “good ones” are taken
Another church	Fresh dating pool	Lack of social proof/preselection unless you commit time to small group/social events Fierce competition Post-college, usually all the “good ones” are taken
Christian organization	Fresh dating pool Preselection/social proof	Male Christian workers are almost always married or already in a relationship leading to marriage Fierce competition Post-college, usually all the “good ones” are taken
Random encounter	Intrigue of new/unknown	Lack of social proof/preselection “Good ones” not a very large percentage of population, decreasing likelihood of random meeting Post-college, usually all the “good ones” are taken
Christian blog comments	Can get to know each other through the exchange of ideas without bringing looks into the equation Already have a common interest	May be separated by a lot of physical distance Willingness to relocate could be an issue Person’s real-life personality might be different from online personality Person’s looks might kill all of the attraction
Friend and relative network	People already know you and (hopefully) what would make a good match for you Familial/friend-based preselection/social proof – person is already vetted Person will actually be single and available	People may not know you and your preferences well enough Pressure of expectations Family and friends lack connections

LOCATION	PROS	CONS
The church you attend	Preselection/social proof Likelihood of agreement of core beliefs	Fierce competition Overfamiliarity Post college, usually all the “good ones” are taken
Another church	Fresh dating pool	Lack of social proof/preselection unless commit time to small group/social events Fierce competition Post college, usually all the “good ones” are taken
Christian organization	Fresh dating pool Preselection/social proof	Male Christian workers are almost always married or already in a relationship leading to marriage Fierce competition Post college, usually all the “good ones” are taken
Random encounter	Intrigue of new/unknown	Lack of social proof/preselection “Good ones” not a very large percentage of population, increasing unlikelihood of random meeting Post college, usually all the “good ones” are taken
Christian blog comments	Can get to know each other through the exchange of ideas without bringing looks into the equation Already have a common interest	May be separated by a lot of physical distance/willingness to relocate may become an issue Person’s real-life personality might be different from online personality Person’s looks might kill all of the attraction

Don’t be these guys, Vol. 1.

There are a couple of message boards that I skim read pretty regularly that are mainly populated by women in their 20s-40s.  This means that there tends to be a fair amount of relationship talk.  For anyone with traditional values, most of it is a little depressing since most of the women are feminists (or are brainwashed by feminist principles) who have not yet hit the Wall and are clearly operating under the assumption that they will always be able to attract men as easily as they do now — therefore their feelings take utmost precedence in their decision-making.  I was skimming reading today and came across a couple of relationship threads that made me shake my head regarding both the men who are discussed and the OPs’ treatment of them.

Guys, don’t be these guys.

THREAD 1:

OP brags advertises in the subject line that her boyfriend asked her to marry him but she said no.  In the post she says that she feels “horrible” about it but that it had nothing to do with her boyfriend, plus he knew beforehand that she never wanted to get married.  Despite this apparent knowledge, he proposed anyway and then seemed “disappointed” when he got rejected.  The rest of the posters divide into two groups, one in support of the OP, the other warning her that this could be the beginning of the end, but most of them congratulate the OP for her honesty and agree that not only does marriage have little significance in the area of commitment (this despite the documented increased volatility of non-marital unions), no one should stay in a marriage if she is “unhappy.”  The posters generally agree that there will always be “someone else” if the boyfriend walks.

Later the OP returns to the thread to inform everyone that she and her boyfriend “talked” and that the boyfriend apologized to her for assuming she would say yes.  Yes, he APOLOGIZED.  OP reports that this “talk” lasted TWO HOURS.

I feel like the takeaway lessons from this story should be obvious, but anyhow:  Men, if you want to get married, then don’t date a woman who says she NEVER wants to get married and believes her feelings love for you is equivalent or even better.  Sure, you might be the superhero to change her mind…but you might not.  Why waste your energy on a woman who’s a tough sell as opposed to a woman who really does want to be married?  Second, NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR PROPOSING.  My goodness.  If you want to marry someone, then I very well hope that you are prepared to lead in all aspects of the relationship and won’t wither in the face of a woman’s disgruntled vanity.  Third, never discuss a woman’s feelings with her for any amount of time over, say, thirty minutes, tops.  What could the OP and her boyfriend possibly have discussed for that long without running around in circles with the woman continually gaining momentum against the man?  The longer you let her run on, the less authority you have in the relationship.  Probably what happened here is that the OP browbeat her boyfriend for well over an hour for disturbing her feelings.  No wonder she doesn’t want to marry him.  The real question is why he wanted to marry her.

THREAD 2:

OP is a med student who has been pining away for a guy in her program for the past two years.  She deeply regrets not telling him that she’s in love with him.  They are on the verge of graduation and will soon be going their separate ways, so OP asks for advice about how to tell this guy about her feelings.  (Anyone who’s read my blog lately knows my feelings on the topic.)  Of course, in a show of female wishful thinking solidarity, the other posters rally around her, telling her to invite him out for dinner, get some drinks in her, and spill her guts.

Later in the thread, OP reports back, saying that she did exactly as the posters suggested and…drum roll, please…their advice WORKED.  (Hey, it happens every once in a blue moon.)  After exams, she and her friend went out to a “nice steakhouse” where she worked up the courage and blurted out her feelings to him.  The guy then admitted that he’s been feeling the exact same way.  OP says that they concluded that they both used their coursework as a reason not to take a risk and that each other was the reason they hadn’t dated anyone else in the entire time of their program.  OP then says that the evening went perfectly and hints that they slept together because she had just arrived home (and apparently sprinted to the computer) and the timestamp was in the morning.  Plus, they found out that they would be doing residencies in the same city.  Much cheering from the peanut gallery commences.

On its face, this is the kind of story that makes women swoon because it is very much like something out of a movie where you’ve been pining and pining and pining and the guy actually reciprocates your feelings.  But what is ennobling about this story from the man’s point of view?  What kind of man hides behind coursework as an excuse not to date anyone for two years?  Especially when the woman is a close friend and others have pointed out that they should date?  What kind of man lets the woman take all the emotional risk in the relationship?  It seems to me like this dude would have been content to let the relationship simmer in sexual frustration indefinitely if the OP hadn’t taken the reins.  At the beginning of the story, the OP didn’t even know if they would be assigned to the same area for their residency — it sounds like this guy was willing to let the OP drift out of his life without even once making a move.  That’s not love.  That’s ambivalence at best and cowardice at worst.

It’ll be interesting to see (if we ever get to find out) how this relationship progresses once the OP and this guy are out of the med school bubble and are working long hours at different hospitals.  My guess is that once the initial relationship euphoria wears off, the guy’s natural reluctance to lead will start to kill off the OP’s attraction to him.  Pining from a distance and actually being involved in a relationship are two different things.