Aloof vs. So-Aloof-You’re-A-Jerk.

14 May

I meet weekly with a group of single women from my church for a combination Bible study/fellowship group.  Yesterday since only three of us showed up, discussion was firmly in the “fellowship” camp.  One of my friends shared the story of what had happened when she went on a date with a younger guy from church.  He was a guy she had gotten to know, who constantly said to her that they should hang out.  Because he was several years younger, she was hesitant but felt that she should go in with an open mind.  So, she accepted.

They went to a movie.  Afterward, he did not make any conversation.  They also met up with his friends (I think?), and he sat on the opposite side of the table from her and also talked about another girl he was interested in.

Needless to say, my friend was not impressed…but what do you know, the guy called the next day to say that he’d had a great time and that they should do it again.

Men, if you’re going to single a woman on a date, then that date really needs to be exclusive.  Don’t bring your buddies along, do be the leader in making conversation, and by all means DO NOT EVER talk about another woman you’re interested in.  You may think that you’re being cool and aloof and demonstrating higher value (i.e., non-neediness) as well as self-social proofing, but all this does is make the woman deeply uncomfortable and confused, and possibly embarrassed.

The disappointing thing about this is that this young man is otherwise a stereotypical “great guy” treading in Youth Group Guy territory.  All he did on this occasion was disappoint my friend, as well as hurt his own reputation (which is now “nice guy but too immature and not ready to date”).

Being a little aloof on a date is good.  You don’t want to come across as overly attentive; that’s a big turn-off.  But going in the opposite direction to the extreme is a huge mistake as well.  You’ll just end up on a date with a woman who is wondering why you even bothered to ask her out.


9 Responses to “Aloof vs. So-Aloof-You’re-A-Jerk.”

  1. Anna May 14, 2010 at 5:33 pm #

    I love movies, and I love talking about movies, and sometimes I even love talking during movies (to my own consternation) but a movie is the absolute WORST place you could go on a date. At least a first date.

    And the rest of it sounds like stealth group dating.

  2. Aunt Haley May 14, 2010 at 5:43 pm #

    I agree. Movies are what you do when you’re already in an established relationship with someone. So this guy gets creativity fail as well.

  3. Will S. May 15, 2010 at 7:46 am #

    Really, gals? I always thought if it was a decent movie, it could provide a great launching point for conversation, if you go out together for a coffee afterwards; whereas I’m deathly afraid of just going for a coffee for a first date, because how do you start off the conversation? I’ve generally chosen a movie as a default first date, and it hasn’t ‘hurt’ me yet, as far as I’ve noticed.

    So, then, what do you think is a better choice of activity for a first date? A coffee? A walk in the park? Or what?

  4. Aunt Haley May 15, 2010 at 9:28 am #

    Movies are just sitting around in the dark for two hours – why not spend that time actually talking?

    Coffee is kind of generic, but it’s cheaper than a movie and you can talk to each other. An activity like miniature golf, going to a museum (that doesn’t have an admittance fee), rock climbing, a cultural festival or fair, window shopping or shopping for a gift for a relative, throwing a frisbee…basically anything interactive. (Obviously, there will be some limitations, depending on the girl’s personality and her physical fitness/athletic aptitude.)

    As long as you have a sense of humor and seem like you’re in charge, you can get away with just about any topic of conversation to lead off with. (Even “so…tell me about yourself” can work if you’ve got a twinkle in your eye.) Have a story on hand about something you experienced recently that will show that you are interesting and will also allow you to bring her into the conversation. Assume that she will be interested in whatever you decide to talk about because YOU are an interesting person, and interesting people are interested in the things that you are interested in.

  5. Will S. May 15, 2010 at 11:37 am #

    Ah, okay. I’ve done things like museums and art galleries for non-first dates; I suppose they could also work for a first date, too. Thanks for the ideas!

  6. Thursday May 23, 2010 at 4:18 pm #

    It’s ok to take girls out on group activities for dates, one of my best friends organized a big group hike for a second date and ended up marrying the girl, but you need to make sure you are physically close to her for a lot of the date and actually pay her some attention during it.

  7. Aunt Haley May 24, 2010 at 8:08 am #

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with group dates, so long as the girl understands that it’s a group date AND, as you said, that the guy stays physically close to the girl and pays her specific attention.

  8. Jennifer August 19, 2011 at 9:58 pm #

    It’s gold, honey.


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