One thing women don’t want to hear.

20 Jul

There are a lot of things women don’t want to hear, but this one ranks pretty highly:

You’re the kind of girl men want to marry.

On its face, it’s not a bad thing to tell a single woman.  It’s a compliment to be wife material.  The problem is that the only time a single woman ever hears this is in the context of her not dating while she watches all of the sluttier dumber more fun girls getting asked out and being showered with male attention.  Usually this sentiment is uttered by an older married woman who is decades removed from singleness and has no clue how the current dating market operates.*  It’s even worse if it’s uttered by a newlywed.  (Marriage makes everyone a sage expert on relationships, and no one is sager or freer with advice than a woman who has been married fewer than two years.)

Single women really hate being told they’re marriage material, because what they hear is:

  • You are not pretty.
  • You are not fun.
  • You are boring.
  • You are staid and matronly.
  • You are such a dud that men would rather spend time and money on stupid girls than you.
  • You are such a dud that men would rather spend time and money on girls with bad personalities than you.
  • You are not good enough for a man’s firstfruits; you get the leftovers after he’s had his fun with the fun girls and finally decides it’s time to be boring and settle down with the girl who “saved herself.”  Thank the Lord for the boring girls, because otherwise he would have to marry a dumb slut!

The companion sentiment just rubs salt in the wound:  I don’t understand why no one has snatched you up yet! (Also, Those guys don’t know what they’re missing!)

This just makes single women irate (on the inside).  They must smile politely and offer up a gently self-deprecating demurral, but in their minds they are screaming, “If I’m so great and I am truly what men want, then why don’t any men want me?!?!  HEY, YOU INSENSITIVE BOZO, HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU THAT I’M NOT THAT GREAT AND I’M NOT WHAT MEN WANT?  MEN WANT THE OPPOSITE OF ME AND YOU ARE NOT MAKING ME FEEL BETTER.”

I think a better approach is to agree with the single woman that it’s hard to find someone.  Affirm her feelings on the matter and encourage her to hang in there.  This other stuff is just damning with faint praise.

*My mother would be appalled and in denial if she were told that the current dating scene goes something like this:

  1. Go to a party.
  2. Get drunk.
  3. Make out and/or have sex with someone you meet at the party.
  4. Repeat steps 1-3 a few times with the same person.
  5. If neither of you can find someone better at another party, decide you are now in a relationship, you guess.
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13 Responses to “One thing women don’t want to hear.”

  1. Jesus July 21, 2010 at 1:49 am #

    1. Go to a party.
    2. Get drunk.
    3. Make out and/or have sex with someone you meet at the party.
    4. Repeat steps 1-3 a few times with the same person.
    5. If neither of you can find someone better at another party, decide you are now in a relationship, you guess.

    A little bit cynical don’t you think? Bars work too.

  2. Athol Kay: Married Man Sex Life July 21, 2010 at 4:40 am #

    It’s basically the same thing when a woman tells a man “Lets Just Be Friends”.

    It means they have built comfort, but not attraction.

  3. Aunt Haley July 21, 2010 at 8:46 am #

    That’s what it means if a MAN says it to you. If it’s an older woman or a younger but married woman, it means what I said above.

  4. Josh July 21, 2010 at 9:20 am #

    Really? I don’t think the dating scene is that bad. It must depend on the social circle. I’m under-30, and still in the thick of things. I met my GF in church, and of the three weddings I went two this year, all met through church. Around here, meeting someone online would be considered semi-scandalous. Hooking-up at a club? You would be ruined.

    I’d like to consider myself fairly self-aware as a man, and I don’t think the problem for most women is that they aren’t acting slutty or dumb enough. It’s a easy thing to tell yourself, when you see another woman with a man, to dismiss her as dumb or slutty. It’s a dangerous assumption to make – being dumb or slutty is generally a liability, especially if you are looking for the marrying kind.

    Let’s be honest – isn’t that the point, with Game? You have probably gotten interest from some males, just not the ones you want. It’s possible that you are just stunningly beautiful, but haughty (pious!) and unapproachable (I have eyes only for Jesus!). But men generally are undeterred by that. If you’re beautiful, men will line up for suicide runs, hoping to get lucky. It’s much more likely that you simply aren’t attractive enough to get the attention you want.

    There’s no magical way to solve that problem. Even the short, ugly, not-rich guy marries someone – someone who knows the limits of her attractiveness.

    When someone says “You’re the kind of girl men want to marry,” they are being nice. Because they don’t want to say “What a pity, you are so kind, but just not good-looking enough. It’s a pity that attitudes can change, but looks can’t, at least not in the direction we want.” We speak pretty lies in polite society, because the truth is cruel.

  5. Aunt Haley July 21, 2010 at 9:42 am #

    When someone says “You’re the kind of girl men want to marry,” they are being nice. Because they don’t want to say “What a pity, you are so kind, but just not good-looking enough. It’s a pity that attitudes can change, but looks can’t, at least not in the direction we want.”

    Sometimes that’s the subtext. But many girls have had someone say to them, “Don’t worry about not dating right now. You’re the kind of girl men want to marry. They’ll wake up eventually and smell the coffee.” That’s what I’m referring to, not an LJBFing from an eligible man or an older person trying to use tact to tell someone she’s not that pretty.

  6. Josh July 21, 2010 at 10:26 am #

    I see what you mean. In that case, that is truly bad advice.

    Waiting for them to “wake up” is really a veiled reference for “waiting for them to get older and more desperate.” The problem with that, of course, is that time marches for everyone, and you’ll get older too, while a whole new generation of girls mature beneath you.

    Of course, single girls are painfully aware of this.

    What should someone say to a single girl who is clearly hurting, watching herself getting left behind as her friends get married?

  7. Will S. July 21, 2010 at 8:41 pm #

    In response to your footnote, really, it is that bad out in the world, esp. amongst the youngest of teens / young adults; worldly teens and young adults don’t even “date” any more, they just “hook up”, and that’s it. Funny how some Christians have been advising kissing dating goodbye, just as the world has been itself doing, albeit for different reasons. Now should be the time for Christians to claim dating for ourselves; after all, we’re just about the only ones who still do it, ironically.

  8. Paco Fernandez July 22, 2010 at 10:19 am #

    “You’re the kind of girl men want to marry.”

    I’ve used this as a pickup line. It works wonders!

    -Paco

  9. jack August 2, 2010 at 8:06 pm #

    I’m an early 40s male, who is still a virgin.

    I have had a significant number of available and attractive women offer sex (Some with no strings attached, even) but I always passed. I thought that if I waited on the Lord I would find a girl who also saved herself. …wrong, of course.

    I thought that I would be a hypocrite to desire a virgin and not be willing to offer it in return.

    Instead, I watched an insane number of Christian women throw away their best years attempting to chase down one bad boy or other. Usually sex is involved.

    I’m too old and too broken to pursue women now, and the only thing left seems to be single moms and former party girls.

    I really hate being alone and lonely, but it absolutely beats being a liferaft for the kind of women who would not give me the time of day when they still had a little bit of youth and beauty left in them.

    The good men like me went dateless and wifeless while these “CHRISTIAN” women gave their virtue away like candy to bad men. Not only that, they gave it away free and gleefully.

    I will not pay full price (marriage) for a used car.

  10. Jenny August 14, 2010 at 10:05 pm #

    Good post. I’m almost thirty, and I’ve spent at least half of my life hearing that phrase (and ones like it). A few months ago, I told the preacher that I never wanted to hear it again.

  11. Jennifer August 19, 2011 at 8:51 pm #

    Brilliant, Haley.

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