Juneau is his Narnia.

29 Jul

Friends, our new friend Matthew has made his first regular post at Boundless.  I’m not sure there’s much we can do for him.

An excerpt:

Roughly two weeks ago, I returned home from leading a missions trip to Juneau, Alaska, with Campus Crusade for Christ. This was my fourth time up to Juneau with Campus Crusade; I spent the summer there back in 2004 as a college student on the Juneau Men’s Project, and I’ve been back each of these last three summers to help lead Alaska Transformation, a two-week version of that summer-long missions trip I attended as a student.

I could seriously talk your ear off about Juneau. I love it there so much. My first summer in Juneau was, most definitely, the watershed experience in my life. And my subsequent three visits — two years as a small-group leader and this summer as the guy in charge — have each been phenomenal. That place and my time there are, collectively, very present to me.

Goodness. I’m getting nostalgic just thinking about being there.

I wish you all could know the joy Juneau brings me. I mean, Juneau is my Narnia, people.

……

Also: I totally talk to the animals and they talk to me. Bald eagles are as regal as you would imagine; whales are patient, gregarious folks; and sea lions, as a general rule, could use an attitude adjustment.

Are those crickets I hear? Did this post just get weird? No, I’m not crazy, people. But I do refuse to talk to crickets. I don’t like them.

Um, OK.

Uses of totally: 2

Uses of seriously: 1

Uses of phenomenal: 1

Total number of adverbs used that end in -ly: 8

Uses of goodness (as exclamation): 2

Uses of italics for emphasis: 2

Uses of unironic exclamation point: 2

Odds that Matthew will find a churchly wife before I find a churchly husband:  4:1

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28 Responses to “Juneau is his Narnia.”

  1. Will S. July 29, 2010 at 12:36 pm #

    Good grief!

  2. Cane Caldo July 29, 2010 at 1:08 pm #

    Odds that he looks for a fellow “prayer warrior”, but instead finds a “sword buddy”: 2-1.

  3. Aunt Haley July 29, 2010 at 1:11 pm #

    Okay, now the “sword drill” jokes are just writing themselves.

  4. Athol Kay: Married Man Sex Life July 29, 2010 at 1:59 pm #

    And to think you told somebody off in the last post for teasing that he sounded like a Valley Girl.

  5. Hermes July 29, 2010 at 2:09 pm #

    Well, of course you won’t find a churchly husband since you refuse to post pics of yourself with your face blacked out. It’s what your grandma would have done.

  6. Aunt Haley July 29, 2010 at 2:14 pm #

    He still talks too much for a Valley/SoCal girl. Haven’t you watched The Hills? (I did once. It killed off a portion of my brain.)

  7. Aunt Haley July 29, 2010 at 2:16 pm #

    Also, it’s possible that I am a man masquerading as a woman, which complicates things.

  8. Lover of Wisdom July 29, 2010 at 2:41 pm #

    If that’s the case, then your odds of finding a churchly husband have increased!

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Episcopal_Church_(United_States)#On_gender_and_sexuality

  9. Ulysses July 29, 2010 at 2:52 pm #

    You forgot to include odds that his churchly wife gets bored of him and his totally whimsical bounciness (“I’m so positive! It’s infectious!”) and finds a less churchly fellow to entertain her.

  10. Koanic July 29, 2010 at 2:54 pm #

    See what I mean?

    Cage matches are the only answer.

    How many converts did this fairy win in Juneau? Why send a flibbertigibbet like him to evangelize the rough northmen? Why does he need to take a trip when there are plenty in his home city?

    No, it’s just another enviro-happy SWPL epiphany trek.

    Black hole sun, won’t you come…

  11. Aunt Haley July 29, 2010 at 3:04 pm #

    Eh…he seems like the type to marry a missions-minded woman who is looking for a partner to do God’s work with. That kind of woman doesn’t usually look at husbands as entertainment material, and the many ministries they will be involved in will take up much of their time. Separation/divorce is unlikely in such a scenario.

  12. Will S. July 29, 2010 at 3:08 pm #

    So you see? Everyone wins!

    (Well, he and she do. Hopefully they’ll go somewhere so deep in the jungle that there’s no satellite uplink for him to continue posting his verbal diarrhea.)

  13. Ulysses July 29, 2010 at 3:08 pm #

    Separation/divorce may be unlikely, but there’s always the possibility of that one egregious mistake involving the swarthy local in some faraway land, especially since Cane Caldo is probably dead on with his prediction.

  14. Aunt Haley July 29, 2010 at 7:09 pm #

    Ulysses, a true churchly wife would forgive such an ~indiscretion and would accompany him to Exodus meetings.

  15. Samson July 29, 2010 at 9:19 pm #

    I was once like him, or at least I would have become like him had certain life circumstances unfolded differently.

    Actually, I think the situation may be less dire than it appears. His writing is bad – no, awful, so awkwardly cringe-inducing that I can’t help thinking: in real life he probably compensates ably enough by coming across as very, very genuine and infectiously optimistic. Think about movies that are so bad it’s good. His weird mélange of vivacious gaiety, spontaneity and Christian geekiness will be enough to charm at least some church girls – already we can witness the female commenter in that post who calls him her “new favourite Boundless blogger.” By itself, his status as mission leader and prominent Boundless writer is a major DHV for this crowd.

    So, I think he’ll be alright. Sometimes Christians really do things differently. I am not saying the rules of game don’t apply among Christians, but I am saying sometimes they apply in bizarrely idiosyncratic ways that appear unintelligible to the foreign observer.

    [Aunt Haley: I closed your italics tag.]

  16. tannen July 29, 2010 at 9:40 pm #

    Sounds like he’s flaming. If that’s the case, I’d put your odds at 7,8:1. If he’s a full time youth pastor, those odds go up to 15:1 ;)

    I’m curious, AH. Do you want a churchly husband or a husband who’s a Christian? Is there even a difference?

  17. Koanic July 29, 2010 at 9:57 pm #

    Yes, you’re right and very perceptive.

    However, being him is still a fate worse than death. I’ve tried that mask on for brief periods, and seen even more of it in others.

    It may come across as genuine some of the time, but he’s constantly betraying his nature. His faith must continually seal the resulting dissonance cracks.

    In fact that’s a major reason I think Churchians never accomplish anything with their faith – it’s all being used to repair psycho-emotional dissonance. Just continuing to exist without breakdown is viewed as a victory. And, in terms of effort exerted, it is.

  18. Koanic July 29, 2010 at 10:00 pm #

    BTW, this is not a first time blog. No unpracticed writer starts out writing so confidently, at such high quality. Nor does such a writer arbitrarily begin writing at a certain point in life.

    That is all I’m going to say about that.

  19. Samson July 30, 2010 at 6:08 am #

    [Aunt Haley: I closed your italics tag.]

    (Thanks, I was hoping you would.)

  20. Lover of Wisdom July 30, 2010 at 12:15 pm #

    Have you looked at this blog entry on feminism, Aunt Haley? You might want to comment on it: what is and what isn’t feminism in evangelical Christianity.

  21. Aunt Haley July 30, 2010 at 4:19 pm #

    It’s a good topic idea. In general I find that evangelical Christians disavow feminism as a political entity but have integrated a lot of feminist attitudes into their personal relationships and the church.

  22. Aunt Haley July 30, 2010 at 4:21 pm #

    I would like a Christian husband. The “churchly” husband thing was meant to be slightly tongue-in-cheek. Just another example of how tone disappears on the internet….

  23. Cane Caldo July 31, 2010 at 7:59 am #

    AH is right about the wife. The mission-minded ones are nearly asexual. It’s an elegant solution the church has found for those prone to lesbianism:give them a mission. They’re married nuns.

    Besides, it’s much more likely he’d go for the swarthy local.

    On Sword Drill jokes: good work, AH.

  24. Koanic July 31, 2010 at 3:52 pm #

    A passionate and idealistic dedication to a cause should never be confused for asexuality. Even if sex is sacrificed, the potential remains. Trust me, I’ve seen it in their eyes. You just have to be a kindred spirit to know how it’s expressed, to catch those fleeting glimpses of flying pennants behind self-control’s battlements. I find such citadels more erotic than any lowly sprawling village.

  25. tannen August 8, 2010 at 2:49 am #

    Criteria? Eg. how “Christian” does he need to be?

  26. Ilíon August 8, 2010 at 3:28 pm #

    Sigh. And, even if you are really a woman, my surname is almost the same as your Christian name … Aunt Haley Hailey just sounds to odd, and too cutesy.

    ;)

  27. Cane Caldo August 10, 2010 at 9:15 am #

    You’ll note I used the qualifier “nearly”, and always keep in mind that generalities should be considered generally.

    Aside from that: happy questing.

  28. Jennifer August 19, 2011 at 11:38 pm #

    If he marries before you, Haley, the world’s more insane than I thought.

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