Today in my internet surfings I came across a thread at one of my regular haunts that I knew I had to share with my dearest of readers. It is a capsule of Roissy validation, i.e., it is a real-life, real-time dramatic incarnation of most of the principles of female nature he discusses. Social message boards for women are some of the most instructive reads for insight into female nature; the nature of the medium does not alter the substance of interaction.
So, here’s what happened: OP, in a thread titled “I like someone else’s boyfriend.“, goes attention-whoring by posting the following:
Lol, it sucks. But yes, I am smart enough not to ever do anything about it. He’s so awesome and we are so alike. I like him as in yes, I wish I could have him, but I just honestly like him as a person. Oh wellllll.
Right off the bat, we know we are dealing with a young woman, probably early to mid-20s, who craves attention and drama and is set on getting it by denying the very thing everyone with half a brain can tell she wants, even as she herself wants to believe that she really doesn’t want to steal this guy away from his girlfriend. When the first reply suggests to simply enjoy the friendship since the guy does like his girlfriend, OP says:
Yes, he does. Should I add the story that I am 100% sure he would cheat on her with me. But, I just can’t. I would feel so bad no matter how much I like him. It’s not like a I’m liking him from afar thing. We talk all the time.
The East German judge gives OP’s hamster a 10.0 AND strikes a deal under the table with the Soviet judge to give OP a 10.0 also. Anyone who believes this girl would “feel so bad” if she had sex with this guy needs to go pick up his White Knight suit with the Honors Beta badge from the dry cleaners.
With this additional piece of information, the dogpile begins. Admonitions – rightfully so – that the guy is “shady” and that OP should “be careful” start up. This attention prompts OP to reveal even MORE salacious details so her inner narcissism monster can be fed:
Because he’s mentioned it. We live in a SMALL town, and everyone knows everything, so that sucks. He apparently saw me leaving yesterday night and asked where I was going. So I told him out to the bar in another town. So he text me all night telling me to come over after I was done. And text me some dirty messages that I won’t even type here. I was like “aren’t you with your girlfriend?” He said yeah, but she will be gone later.
Now, that being said, I DO like him. So much. But I’m smart enough not to do anything. Because it is shady, and yeah, not cool. I know that I need to stop having contact with him, and it just sucks because I like him. I don’t know why I like him so much. He is willing to cheat on his girl. I think it’s because like I said, we have SO much in common, and I never meet people like me.
This is CLASSIC attention-whoring in the tried-and-true junior high girl tradition. “I’ve got a SECRET!!!!!!…but I can’t tell,” “I’m in so much emotional suffering,” and “I don’t deserve this” techniques are all deployed here. The only other biggie she left out was “I’m SUCH a ditz, tee-hee!”.
In a bid for even more attention, OP also starts denying that anything will happen between herself and Shade:
Whatever makes me feel better? I’ve already mentioned I won’t do anything about it. And I am serious about that.
In my experience, if you have to assure someone that you won’t do something, then you’ve already thought about doing it and are looking for someone to tell you that it’s okay to do it. (Exceptions: when your mom makes you promise that you WON’T DO SOMETHING despite the fact that you never discussed the topic with her EVER and never even thought about it seriously until she brought it up.)
Now that Shade’s douchebaggery is out in the open for everyone to see, the
shaming tough love begins:
Wow, he sounds like a real prize and I can’t believe you’d like a guy like that. He obviously just wants you for a booty call and otherwise has no respect for you or his girlfriend.
Yeah, I think you should try to see his infidelity for the turn-off that it is. Maybe it will make it easier not to mess with him.
Ew he sounds like trash.
This is where things get interesting. Are these other girls correct that Shade is a super d-bag? Of course. Any guy with a girlfriend who is sending dirty texts to another girl and talking to her all the time is prime d-bag material. But are these girls correct that his douchebaggery is a turn-off? No, they’re not.
The only reason that these girls can be objective about the situation is that they themselves are not attracted to Shade. It’s pretty clear from the discussion that no matter how low-rent Shade is (and if he works at any place more prestigious than, say, Best Buy as one of the incompetent louts who can’t tell you anything about any of their products, I will be shocked), he has enough game to get OP to throw ethics to the wind and soak up his attention AND go seeking even more attention by telling strangers on the internet about the situation.
So, no matter how much these girls tell OP to stay away from Shade, to delete him from her phone, to tell him to…go jump in a lake (they use some more, um, forceful language), OP won’t. OP already likes Shade, so nothing will be able to trip up her hamster. OP will tell herself until she’s blue in the face – as she has done and continues to do in this thread, and until, I imagine, she is in the very act of having sex with Shade – that nothing will ever happen between her and Shade and that she has no desire to steal him away from his girlfriend. And she will honestly believe herself. And when it DOES happen, she will not be able to understand how it happened, and she’s not that kind of girl, and she feels SO bad (except she doesn’t).
And the thing is, all women are like this. I’ve felt these seeds in myself at times and wondered why I was doing things that I would hate myself for if I weren’t the one doing them. Even feminists are like this – maybe even more so, because I think that the more feminist a woman is, the more deeply and idealistically romantic she is. A friend of mine who is a self-described “pinko commie” feminist fell for a roadie for her favorite band. Roadie had a girlfriend, and would ignore my friend whenever the girlfriend came to a show, but it did not matter to my friend: she and Roadie shared something special that was beyond the ken of the average person. I tried to explain to her that Roadie was a loser, that she had no future with him, and that I did not understand why she was accepting second-best treatment and outright disrespect, especially when she was supposedly such a feminist and trying to be a role model for young women who have no better sense than to read Twilight. Nothing I said made any impact. Even when I pointed out that as a woman, why would she try to undermine another woman, all my friend did was shrug and pawn it off as not her problem. She was in heaven when near Roadie, in angst when the girlfriend, known as Bitch, was around. I finally told her not to talk to me about him ever again.
So what is the Christian spin on all of this? The first is that you need to develop discipline NOW when you don’t have this kind of temptation in your life. You also need to develop discernment so you will be able to pick good friends, and humility so you will listen to your friends and trust that their judgments are good. If you find yourself saying about a guy, “Well, they don’t know him the way I know him, so they must be wrong!”, you most likely should stop and chiggity check yourself before you wreck yourself. (I mean, think about it: the way you described him to your friends was enough to raise red flags in their minds. That’s not exactly a glowing endorsement for his character.) And you need to develop character so you won’t become a common attention whore, chronicling your narcissism on the internet for everybody in the entire world with an internet connection both now and in the future to read.
As a companion piece, I recommend Ricky’s latest blog post, “Raw Concepts: Double Messages.” It addresses the narcissism angle that OP so robustly demonstrates.
ETA: OP is also constructing a scenario for plausible deniability in her actions with Shade. She is giving him signals that she’s DTF but won’t jump him herself. Being a man, eventually he is going to feel like experiencing someone else’s vagina, and being an alpha, he is going to be able to get it from an easy target, a.k.a. OP. Then OP can say that it wasn’t her fault, “Shade just came after me when I was vulnerable and one thing led to another. He’s the bad one.”