Ask her out. Then leave.

15 Feb

One of my earliest blog posts was on how to ask a girl out.  In that post I emphasized the importance of being direct and having a plan already in place (to show that you are intentional and have leadership skills).  I still stand by that advice, but after a conversation with a friend over the weekend where we discussed the fine art of asking someone out, I thought that some other aspects needed to be emphasized.

The first point of emphasis is that you need to create rapport with the woman before asking.  I mentioned this in my earlier post, but this is a crucial step.  If the woman does not feel comfortable with you, you will fall flat on your face no matter how well-calculated the rest of your date request is.  Ideally, you’ll have been chatting her up for anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour.  She should be giving IOIs such as laughing and smiling, asking you questions, grooming herself (touching face or playing with her hair), turning her body toward you, possibly lightly touching you on the upper arm.  If you’re not getting any of these, the buying temperature is too low and you’ll probably strike out if you ask her for a date, not to mention she’ll either be shocked if you ask or annoyed that you couldn’t tell she wasn’t interested.

The second point of emphasis that I did not mention in my previous post was that after you ask her out, you need to leave.  Don’t keep talking to her.  Once you get her answer, excuse yourself and jet.  Don’t linger for another 10-15 minutes exchanging banal banter or pleasantries.  You will lose most, if not all, of the impact of successfully securing a date.  (And if you keep hanging around after getting rejected, what kind of glutton for punishment are you?)  By leaving after getting  her answer, you give her a chance to let the experience hit her (as well as squeal and run off to tell her friends).  Also, it DHVs you by showing that you’ve got other things on your plate, you don’t need to stick around for her approving assurance, and you don’t bask in self-satisfaction.

The advantages to asking this way are that (1) you get the benefit of immediacy and any advantages that your physical presence confers, and (2) if the girl doesn’t want to go out with you, it allows her to decline in the most graceful way possible.  If you ask her what her weekend plans are, she answers honestly that she’s not doing anything, and THEN you spring “wanna go out?” on her, she’s in a real bind if she doesn’t want to go out with you, and you will probably be forced to endure a poor lie.  Sure, she might be a weasel, but better a weasel who gracefully tells you she’s busy than a weasel who’s been cornered.  (On the topic of busy-ness:  I would say that if a girl says she’s busy and does not counter-offer, that’s as good as a no.  Also, the word “sometime” is not your friend, especially if used in conjunction with the word “maybe.”)

A final note:  A good way to eliminate ambiguity, at least on your end, is to touch the girl gently on the elbow when you ask her out.  No woman will misinterpret the intention behind that kind of touch.

Advertisements

15 Responses to “Ask her out. Then leave.”

  1. modernguy February 16, 2011 at 12:39 am #

    Better move: club her over the head and drag her back to the cave. Shows dominance, assertiveness, shows you have a plan and keeps her from spouting irrelevant nonsense which would only waste your precious time.

    Women do not want to have to choose the kind of men who need to be told what to do. If a woman is giving you this advice, she is being helpful, because it’s true, and cold, because she sees you as pathetic.

  2. Josh February 16, 2011 at 1:12 am #

    Well said, AH! I am in complete agreement.

    To most of your audience, I think the difficulty is building “rapport”, which is a fuzzy concept that can be hard to grasp. To define it slightly more concretely, you should be developing her romantic interest in you, as well as giving her the time to develop comfort with her own interest. To state it more crudely, you have to give the rationalization hamster time to run.

    “Rapport” does not mean friendliness. You must maintain a masculine edge, because no woman is attracted to a completely harmless man. For gun-shy introverts on the internet, they often spend way too long trying to develop rapport, mostly by imitating lapdogs, and get friend-zoned in the process.

    To use an analogy any bachelor would understand, when making a cup of instant noodles, if you don’t allow the hot water enough time, the noodles remain hard and brittle. Over time, the noodles soften and open up, but if you wait too long, the noodles become soggy and over-saturated.

    The same reasoning applies to leaving immediately. For the woman, a great deal of the fun is in the fantasy of the date, simply imagining the possibilities. Having established the logistics for the date, you should let her mind roam freely, as the mystery of the future, and of you, churns in her head and works in your favor.

  3. Yvette Francino February 16, 2011 at 6:18 am #

    For me, there has to be a “flirting” stage before getting asked out. I don’t like getting asked out by someone I don’t know at all. It’s the banter that makes me interested, but that’s when he needs to walk away confidently…not because he’s too shy to ask me out, but because he wants me to wonder. Then I will hope he will come back and ask me out.

    Now, of course, if this is a person who you will never see again, it’s much more tricky. This technique works best if it’s someone you see regularly.

    But in general, I say flirt first… Wait for a positive reaction. Wait until at least the second meeting (if possible) to ask out. As for walking away right after you ask out… I would NOT do that if she says no. You don’t need to stick around for a long time, but you don’t want to walk away like a dejected puppy or like the only reason she’s worth your time is if she’ll go out with you. Continue to have playful banter, even if says ‘no’ with the attitude, “No problem. There are lots of other options but I still find you cute.” Then politely excuse yourself and find someone more receptive to flirt with.

  4. Julie February 16, 2011 at 6:19 am #

    Hmmmm…I think I would suggest building rapport, and then later on, give her a phone call to ask her out. Maybe she’s had a bit of time to think about you, for one. Also, isn’t it a bit less awkward to request a date on the phone? And less awkward to answer yes or no?

  5. Toz February 16, 2011 at 6:42 am #

    “As for walking away right after you ask out… I would NOT do that if she says no. You don’t need to stick around for a long time, but you don’t want to walk away like a dejected puppy or like the only reason she’s worth your time is if she’ll go out with you. ”

    If she says yes, leave. But do it confidently. If she says no, you have to show with your body language and tone of voice that you’re not affected whatsoever. Tricky, but this can be accomplished by being aloof and nonchalant.

  6. Aunt Haley February 16, 2011 at 7:51 am #

    Julie–
    If there’s sufficient rapport, she will say yes if asked in person (especially if the man does not frame the invitation as a Momentous Decision). Calling later can work, but I think that asking in person capitalizes on the moment.

  7. y81 February 16, 2011 at 8:45 am #

    I’m not sure about the “building rapport” part. If this means, there should be some occasions of rapport before asking her out, then I agree. If it means, you have to be at a moment of high rapport at the instant you ask her out, I disagree. Knowing that you are going to ask a girl out generally makes guys nervous, so it’s rarely a moment of high rapport. If you keep waiting until you are comfortable, you will never ask her out.

    Sort of like, “If you tarry till you’re better, you will never come at all.”

  8. Julie February 16, 2011 at 8:59 am #

    Yeah, maybe. I also know I probably said “yes” more often when asked face to face, even if I didn’t want to go. Harder to hurt someone’s feelings face to face.

  9. Lover of Wisdom February 16, 2011 at 9:34 am #

    “A final note: A good way to eliminate ambiguity, at least on your end, is to touch the girl gently on the elbow when you ask her out. No woman will misinterpret the intention behind that kind of touch.”

    If the girl is very dense, then grab a nipple. Works every time, but be gentle!

  10. Aunt Haley February 16, 2011 at 10:55 pm #

    Lover of Wisdom–
    If the girl is very dense, then grab a nipple.

    Christian men know where to find nipples?

  11. Lover of Wisdom February 17, 2011 at 7:36 pm #

    I hope so, otherwise they are in for a surprise on their wedding night.

  12. Anthony February 18, 2011 at 11:48 pm #

    “I would say that if a girl says she’s busy and does not counter-offer, that’s as good as a no.”

    When I was young, I was taught the “three strikes” rule. Ask a girl for a date for a specific date & time. If she says she’s busy, ask (later) for some other time. Busy three times is equal to “no”. Of course, back then, making a counter-offer was almost as bad as actually asking a guy out on a date.

  13. ASDF February 19, 2011 at 2:09 pm #

    When I was young, I was taught the “three strikes” rule. Ask a girl for a date for a specific date & time. If she says she’s busy, ask (later) for some other time. Busy three times is equal to “no”.

    The one instance of girl game that I am completely susceptible to is when they say they’re busy, or cancel, but offer up firm plans to reschedule. They’re not putting enough effort in, but they have enough plausible deniability that you can’t cut them loose. I think I’m seeing someone who is on strike 4 or 5 now.

  14. Badger February 20, 2011 at 5:32 pm #

    “When I was young, I was taught the “three strikes” rule. Ask a girl for a date for a specific date & time. If she says she’s busy, ask (later) for some other time. Busy three times is equal to “no”.”

    I use the simpler call-and-response rule. If she says she’s busy and offers no alternate time or followup, she’s not interested. If she suggests another time, I’m in. If she says some kind of “sometime” response I up my alpha game and prepare to try again after DHV. My time and effort is valuable, if women think I’m hanging out by the phone waiting for the enough time to pass to give her a second chance they’ve got another thing coming.

  15. Aunt Haley February 20, 2011 at 10:03 pm #

    ASDF–
    I think I’m seeing someone who is on strike 4 or 5 now.

    Is this that quiet girl from eHarmony?

    Badger–
    If she says she’s busy and offers no alternate time or followup, she’s not interested. If she suggests another time, I’m in.

    I agree. If she doesn’t offer another time/place, she’s just not that into you. Very few girls are going to pass up an opportunity to spend time with a guy they’re interested in, just on some vague principle of making him do ALL the work.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s