I feel like I’ve been reading a lot on game blogs lately how important it is to push a girl further sexually than she professes to want to go. The M.O. is basically that of “she’ll have sex with you if you push, then back off, then push harder.” And it obviously works, if the stories being recounted in the comments are true. Of course, these successes tend to occur when the woman puts herself in an already compromising position – she’s looking for sex but doesn’t want to admit it (in case the man turns out to be a beta), she’s drunk, or she’s at his apartment late at night just for the naked but chaste cuddles in his bed.
Christian dating, or at least the ideal of Christian dating, is the polar opposite of these scenarios. Men are typically urged to acquiesce to whatever the woman wants, except in the case of sex, in which case the man should “man up” and draw a big chastity line in the sand. If women are the gatekeepers, then men should be the gatekeepers’ keepers (in a kindly, protective, safekeeping way, not in an evil, domineering way). I think this attitude springs from the idea that women are naturally more moral and sexually reticent than men, yet women are also naturally very susceptible to pressure to put out. Because women are more moral, it is men’s duty to support women’s superior morality, lest the woman become immoral. It’s all a part of being a leader and manning up and being intentional.
So if Christian men are enjoined from sex or any physical escalation that the woman claims not to want, and Christian men are not to take advantage of alcohol, a bar setting, sexual innuendo, and being alone with a woman in his or her home, then how can a Christian man impress a woman with his alpha bona fides?
I’m sure that if you posed this question to the Boundless types, they would scoff at the idea that a real man even needs alcohol et al. to accomplish his mission. Real men impress through their superior character and leadership skills! But how do you do that when you have none of the common cultural tools in your chest? Here are the most common ones:
- Join the church band/be a worship leader. Playing an instrument is always a DHV. Guitar is the most common, but if you’re good at the piano or keyboard, even better. Plus, you’re just more visible to more women. (DLV: working the sound board or the PowerPoint slides.)
- Teach Sunday School or work with the youth group. Many Christian women start feeling their ovaries quiver when they encounter a man who’s good with kids and wants to teach them the faith. However, make sure that your bonding with kids is over cool stuff, like sports, music, or rough-and-tumble play, and not, say, Star Trek.
- Go on a foreign missions trip. Missions trips are very quick ways to prove your Christian bona fides, but make sure that you have a good story to tell when you get back, preferably if it includes some sort of Providential intervention. (In such cases, it is okay to cry when talking about your experience. Africa changed you.)
- Join a small group. You’re not just a Sunday Christian, and you desire the intimacy and learning that a small group affords.
- Pray out loud in group settings. Possibly the ultimate DHV. Offer to bless the meal. Offer to close. Be the first to jump in with the popcorn prayer. Just don’t fall into the habit of following a script, or say “Lord” or “Father” every five words.
- Lead social gospel outings. Be the point person for the soup kitchen, or the clean-up trip, or the day at Habitat for Humanity, or ministering at Skid Row, or cause du jour is. And be organized. It’s no good to lead if you’re terrible at administration and planning ahead.
Generally speaking, Christian women – at least those brought up in church culture – are highly attuned to displays of visible, acknowledged leadership. It’s not always enough to be the alpha of your clique of friends. Then again, in a church setting, it’s hard to be the alpha of your clique if you’re not doing at least one of the above.
If you happen to score a first date with a GCG (Good Christian Girl), the best default game plan is to play the part of a gentleman. Open doors, pull the seat out for her, grab the check before it burns a hole in the tablecloth, compliment her outfit (“I like your dress” is fine, but “you look gorgeous” is a little too much, too soon), pray over the meal, don’t order alcohol, and DON’T TAKE HER TO A BAR. Much of the time, a GCG, especially if she has already graduated from college, is screening for husband (and future father) candidates, which means she expects to be treated like a lady. If you fail in this department, I can almost guarantee that her friends will deem you unworthy in the inevitable post-game analysis. If you fail and she likes caddishness, then she’s probably not a true GCG, even if her dad is a deacon, a pastor, a missionary, or an elder. Oftentimes PKs and MKs are the worst of all, because they get off on rebelling.
At the end of the date, don’t go for the kiss. Don’t even try. The only girls who will hold it against you are the ones who are used to cads pushing for more. Be different and DHV yourself. Plus, with a GCG, it’s better to let her hamster run for a month or two, or even longer, wondering why you won’t kiss her, than to try too early and confirm that all you want is sex. Women love the anticipation and the angst of not knowing when they can be treated to your puckered lips. (However, they should feel relatively assured that it will happen at some point.)
Above all, TREAT EVERY WOMAN AS IF SHE WERE A 10. This goes for old ladies, fat girls, plain girls, and whatever else isn’t your type. If you get a reputation for only being nice and friendly to the hotties, it will take a lot to scrub “shallow” and “insincere” from your record. Jesus loves the plain girls just as much as He loves the hot ones, so you should, too. Being genuinely nice to the unlovelies is a huge DHV.