Nature abhors a vacuum.

15 May

I was talking to my parents on the phone today and my mom told me about an experience she’d had that I thought would be relevant to the blog.  While we were on the subject of American Idol, talk turned to Adam Lambert, and my mom asked if she had told me about her fellow election volunteer.  I said no (and wondered what prompted this particular non sequitur).  Well, my mom informed me, I needed to get a load of this lady.

So, apparently there’s another lady who volunteers on election days, too, and my mom has gotten to know her a little in the standard “we’re both stuck here all day so we might as well be friendly” kind of way.  According to my mom, this other woman is probably in her late 40s or early 50s, is married, and has three sons, the youngest of which has now graduated from high school.  I don’t know this woman’s name, so for the purposes of this blog post, I’ll just call her Rhonda.

Anyhow, Rhonda has been very nice and seemed relatively normal until the most recent election, where she showed up dressed like a goth and had a dyed-red streak in her hair.  It turns out that Rhonda is divorcing her husband.  Also, two of her three sons are gay (the middle one is the straight one).  The youngest son dropped out of school and got his GED because he was bullied so much for his flamboyance.

I told my mom that Rhonda was in the throes of a mid-life crisis.  My mom then told me (bringing the discussion full circle) that Rhonda also had a tattoo of Adam Lambert’s autograph.  A couple of years ago, Adam Lambert came to town to perform a concert at a major city festival that Rhonda and her family worked at.  They were able to go backstage and meet Adam, and Rhonda got Adam’s autograph not on a piece of paper but on her body.  The very next day, Rhonda had Adam’s autograph tattooed onto herself.

My question was, Where was the husband in all of this?  What self-respecting man allows his wife to get a (young, gay) male singer’s autograph tattooed onto her body?**  For a middle-aged Midwestern mom, that’s practically adultery.  I couldn’t help but think that either the husband had checked out of the marriage emotionally years ago, or he was fatally unequipped to deal with his wife and children.  Wielding some pimp hand along the way would probably have helped save his marriage.  It would even help him now, if he cared to exercise it.  A woman acting out to the extent that Rhonda is is BEGGING for an alpha to come into her life and show her what’s what.

The whole story made me sad to hear it.  Divorce stories are always sad.  But one thing is clear:  Female nature abhors an alpha vacuum.

**But blah blah blah, a woman is the sole boss of her body, blah!  In this case, NO:  the tattoo is a subconscious FU to her husband’s betaness.

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28 Responses to “Nature abhors a vacuum.”

  1. modernguy May 15, 2011 at 10:12 pm #

    If this is what these women do in the absence of “alpha” they can keep themselves. Is it too much to ask that women don’t become total lunatics absent external guidance? If these women are craving alphas so much why don’t they just shut up once and for all and let men be men. What these kinds of women really need is a good old fashioned smacking, those kids too. Game is nothing, it’s playing into their hands, and that game won’t ever end.

  2. Ceer May 15, 2011 at 11:33 pm #

    Women do tend to need external guidance from time to time. It’s part of the herd instinct. The pressure comes from the social circle, family, and the media as well as the husband. In that way, you’re right. The game won’t end.

    As to married women loosing attraction, polite society USED to do its part by aligning the herd instinct with the cause of fidelity. Now, society is slouching. In many ways, it’s actually hurting.

    Game is about making yourself more attractive, but it’s solely the woman’s fault if she wants to cheat. She’s an adult.

  3. modernguy May 15, 2011 at 11:55 pm #

    If women want to be herd animals then they should let men be the sheep dogs and do the guiding. Stop trying to impinge on our role. What is it with women that can’t submit socially but want to submit privately? They want to distinguish themselves from other women.

  4. modernguy May 15, 2011 at 11:58 pm #

    Actually I should’ve said shepherds instead of sheep dogs there.

  5. MW May 16, 2011 at 12:06 am #

    MG: “What these kinds of women really need is a good old fashioned smacking, those kids too.”

    Too late for the kids, and even back then they didn’t need a thrashing, stronger male role model perhaps. The woman needs to be totally ignored. this is much worse. Any attention paid to her feeds the ego. A sad scenario all round, but thanks for relating it HH.

  6. MW May 16, 2011 at 12:07 am #

    Rats! it should read, “…didn’t need a thrashing. But a stronger male role model. ….”

  7. Toz May 16, 2011 at 3:58 am #

    I can’t help but just be profoundly sad for this woman. Goth in your mid 40’s??? I do agree with the vacuum assessment. Instead of Adam Lambert, though, I’d bet it’s someone Goth. The tattoo is just something to prove her “Goth”-ness.

  8. y81 May 16, 2011 at 8:58 am #

    I would think it more like that the husband is profoundly weird himself, not that he is some sort of weak-willed milquetoast. Correlatively, the implicit message that if the man doesn’t take control, the wife will turn into a goth seems a little overwrought. I’ve known plenty of withdrawn, milquetoast men, and none of their wives turned into goths.

    Maybe even now, someone who knows the husband is exclaiming in puzzlement, “Where is this man’s wife in all this?”

  9. dragnet May 16, 2011 at 9:22 am #

    “If these women are craving alphas so much why don’t they just shut up once and for all and let men be men.”

    Believe or not, I actually don’t blame women for this sort of thing. The truth is that women have been fed the same lies about gender relations, maleness and female sexuality that men have. Our culture has socialized them to think one way, while they usually get wet for something totally different. These women crave alphas, but marry milquetoasts because society has brainwashed them into believing they desire weak-kneed betas. So you get situations like this.

    This isn’t to let women off the hook—they’re still responsible for their individual decisionmaking. But it’s important to understand that they didn’t do this to themselves.

  10. Paige May 16, 2011 at 10:17 am #

    I can only feel attraction towards a man that can meet me at my level. This is where the “let men lead” thing can go wrong…if a female feels like she has to dumb herself down so her husband can rise above her then it won’t have the same tingle affect as if he just took the lead without getting her permission.

    A man who tends towards the beta end of the alpha/beta spectrum needs a woman who is very naturally submissive and demure. The kind of high-spirited woman who is going to be more of a challenge needs a man who is more naturally alpha.

    I don’t really believe that women can fix marriages. I tend to believe that only men can do that…because they really do hold most the cards. They are the leaders. That said..I don’t believe women are justified in leaving marriages that are less than satisfying. Women need to learn to tolerate unhappiness much better than they generally do.

  11. dragnet May 16, 2011 at 11:05 am #

    “I don’t really believe that women can fix marriages. I tend to believe that only men can do that…because they really do hold most the cards.”

    How is this not complete lunacy?

  12. Ceer May 16, 2011 at 12:07 pm #

    @modernguy

    My previous post wasn’t that women WANT to be heard creatures. It’s just part of their natural tendency.

    Also, your sheep analogy would work better with men as both sheep dogs and shepherds. Some men will play the roll of town bigshots (shepherds) while less dominant men will play the role of lackeys and rank & file workers (sheep dogs).

    @Page

    Women can handle a lot more than you might think they can, even the whiny ones of today’s world. Just add the right social pressure and she’ll be less likely to do crazy stuff.

  13. modernguy May 16, 2011 at 12:50 pm #

    @Ceer

    Well if women want to follow their natural instincts (which is what listening to your “feelings” means) then they want to be herd animals.

  14. Paige May 16, 2011 at 2:28 pm #

    Most women are instinctively followers and there is almost nothing any woman can do to *make* a man take a leadership role in the marriage…other than not making it unnecessarily difficult. If he doesn’t lead then she will lead by default and they will both be miserable. If he does lead and does so well then there marriage has a chance of both enduring and being relatively happy. Otherwise…it only has a chance of enduring.

    While women are certainly responsible for leaving a marriage for frivolous reasons…I don’t believe anything a woman can do can make a marriage go from bad to great. The woman must simply endure the bad times and be receptive to her husbands leadership… trying to play “miss fix it” will probably backfire…as it has in almost every marriage I have seen a woman try to fix.

  15. Langobard May 16, 2011 at 11:07 pm #

    The whole story made me sad to hear it. Divorce stories are always sad. But one thing is clear: Female nature abhors an alpha vacuum. @Haley
    ___

    It would be better stated that female nature abhors a masculine vacuum rather than a strictly alpha one.

    In other words, any man, particularly a husband, whether he is an alpha or a beta, or even an omega (yes, some are married) can (and should) demonstrate masculine guidance toward his wife or girlfriend without necessarily being an alpha by the conventional definition of the word.

    Just like every able-bodied woman, no matter how objectively average or ‘plain’ in her genetic make-up, should strive to be as pretty and feminine as she can personally be — every man as well should strive to be as masculine, assertive and dominant as he can reasonably be.

    *This of course was what it was like before the post-Marxist apocalypse of feminism of the 1960’s, where society expected all men to behave like actual men, and gave them the culture’s full support and backing for men to do so.

  16. y81 May 17, 2011 at 6:29 am #

    Thinking this over further, another possiblity occurs to me: the wife started getting weird, so the husband checked out. Often the best strategy in life is to cut your losses and move on. If your wife gets weird, dump her and find a new one. It would be a lot of work, and not necessarily effective, to try and “fix” her.

    Of course, there’s an Christian argument that a man is obligated to stay in a marriage to a wacko and make it work, but most Americans don’t believe that.

  17. Hermes May 17, 2011 at 7:53 am #

    What self-respecting man allows his wife to get a (young, gay) male singer’s autograph tattooed onto her body?

    To paraphrase Clint Eastwood, allow’s got nothing to do with it.

    Hasn’t the manosphere been saying for years now that the wife holds all the cards in a marriage? What’s he supposed to do, say “honey, you’re not allowed to get an Adam Lambert tattoo!”? She can just unilaterally divorce him, taking the kids and the house. Oh, perhaps you’d say, if he had tight game, none of this would have happened! Well, even if that were true, what self-respecting man with a full-time job has time to jump through all the ridiculous hoops necessary to keep such a whimsical creature emotionally content? I’m with Ceer–the more I see of what women are really like, the more I want nothing to do with them.

  18. Hana May 17, 2011 at 9:33 am #

    “Correlatively, the implicit message that if the man doesn’t take control, the wife will turn into a goth seems a little overwrought. I’ve known plenty of withdrawn, milquetoast men, and none of their wives turned into goths.”

    I agree – lots of husbands are not very alpha. Most of their wives don’t have midlife crises that cause them to get tattoos and start dressing like Adam Lambert! I don’t know what kind of a husband Rhonda has (obviously, not one who inspired much loyalty in her) but to go goth suggests that if she’s looking for a different man she’s looking for a real bad boy type – a type of person who wouldn’t be good for her – and at her age, she should know that type of person wouldn’t be good for her. It sounds like she married too young and is acting out in ways she wished she had when she was a teenager.

    As for the sons being gay, if parenting style correlates with homosexuality at all, I think it would actually be the alpha dads who tend to have gay sons. Homosexual men often complain of having fathers who were distant or authoritarian, who play sports, and don’t understand their sons’ sensitive and artistic sides…So I’m not sure what conclusion to draw from Rhonda’s flamboyant gay sons.

  19. Ceer May 17, 2011 at 10:07 am #

    If men hold most of the cards for marital enjoyment, and lack the ones to keep a marriage together long enough to make that a reality, there’s definitely a mismatch between the power they should have and the power they actually DO have. Society, by law and culture, just doesn’t side with keeping a marriage together.

    Viewing feminism (Camille Paglia expressed this view) as a massive society-wide shit test says this: women’s collective hindbrains have decided that men may not be fit to have happy marriages. To test this, they helped usher in divorce laws that were unfair to men, they brought in a culture in which a man had to continuously keep a woman happy to stay with her, they started shamelessly going after one another’s husbands, and they created an early life of work and casual sex that makes it difficult if not impossible to turn the woman into a proper wife.

    For its part, feminism has changed the culture. Game has developed. Christianity is hard pressed to teach its principles to its own people, much less evangelize to the world at large.

    Here is the real cost of game: millions of marriages destroyed, damage to millions of children who may or may not recover, sex addicted women design themselves to be misused by game. Is it worth it?

  20. Aunt Haley May 17, 2011 at 11:08 am #

    Hana–
    As for the sons being gay, if parenting style correlates with homosexuality at all, I think it would actually be the alpha dads who tend to have gay sons.

    Sometimes this is the case (jock alpha dad doesn’t understand artsy, sensitive son), but sometimes the situation is a timid or withdrawn beta dad and a take-charge, too-involved mom. Boys whose mothers overpower their dads can end up resenting their fathers for their weakness, which can screw them up in a variety of ways.

  21. Ceer May 17, 2011 at 2:02 pm #

    Think of the Scarlet Pimpernel. A type of flamboyant beta on the outside, but adventurous risk taking alpha on the inside. In a way, many men really are like that. A woman’s actions may seem of little consequence to the way a man acts, but if those actions have real damage…a pragmatic man may well choose a more reactive path in his relationship. Even one as dangerous as Percy.

  22. The Man Who Was . . . May 17, 2011 at 7:20 pm #

    if parenting style correlates with homosexuality at all

    J. Michael Bailey has thoroughly debunked the idea that parenting style causes male homosexuality. On the other hand, having a gay child appears to cause changes in parenting style. Mothers tend to become closer to their effeminate sons, while fathers often become alienated. The most promising hypotheses for male homosexuality are Greg Cochran’s pathogen hypothesis or the idea that the genes for homosexuality confer some physiological reproductive advantage on female carriers.

  23. ASDF May 18, 2011 at 2:09 pm #

    I am on board with gayness being more nature than nurture, but something else must be going on for two out of three boys to be gay. Maybe one of them is just pretending.

  24. Hana May 18, 2011 at 2:50 pm #

    Well…as for the “nature” factor, studies have found that younger sons with older brothers are more likely to be gay, and it has something to do with the conditions in the womb (I can’t remember specifics!) but this doesn’t fit the pattern, since the oldest son and the youngest son are homosexual (but not the middle one). I think Haley is on the right track with the idea of boys acting out because their father is too passive, but this gives me the impression of a father who is uninvolved in his children’s lives. I don’t think betaness is not synonymous with lack of paternal involvement – a beta dad can be very kind and caring to his children, just not perhaps overly dominant, athletic or leaderlike. I don’t think that a dad being a beta, per se, would cause his sons to act out.

    I do agree very much with Paige, though, that when husbands are too beta, the wives often try to “fix” the relationship and take on a leadership role – which just backfires horribly, as the husband just withdraws further. In this case, beta-ness could inadvertently result in an uninvolved father – if the wife takes over the care of the children, the father will just withdraw and watch sports on TV or whatever, because he feels he’s not needed.

  25. Aunt Haley May 18, 2011 at 9:06 pm #

    Man Who Was–
    J. Michael Bailey has thoroughly debunked the idea that parenting style causes male homosexuality. On the other hand, having a gay child appears to cause changes in parenting style. Mothers tend to become closer to their effeminate sons, while fathers often become alienated.

    This sounds like putting the cart before the horse or begging the question. Since a parent cannot know from the time their child is born that their child is going to be homosexual (what are the identifying traits of a homosexual newborn?!), I can’t believe that parental actions/attitudes cannot influence a child’s sexual orientation. That doesn’t mean that parents “make” their kids gay, but to believe that parents have zero influence makes no sense to me.

    Hana–
    studies have found that younger sons with older brothers are more likely to be gay, and it has something to do with the conditions in the womb (I can’t remember specifics!)

    I’ve never heard this before! Still, correlation isn’t causation, yada yada yada.

  26. The Man Who Was . . . May 20, 2011 at 5:20 pm #

    That doesn’t mean that parents “make” their kids gay, but to believe that parents have zero influence makes no sense to me.

    He goes into much more detail in his book The Man Who Would Be Queen. It is the book on male homosexuality.

  27. Tim June 2, 2011 at 2:57 pm #

    Female nature abhors an alpha vacuum.

    So? What do you bring to the table, Haley? Male nature abhors all women that don’t have a nice ass and a great rack. Deal.

  28. Aunt Haley June 2, 2011 at 5:51 pm #

    Male nature abhors all women that don’t have a nice ass and a great rack. Deal.

    There must be a lot of men out there who hate their wives, then.

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