Just a guess!

 

BlogBiz: Personal Conversations on the Blog

Hey, guys–

I’m happy when the blog sparks discussion, and I don’t mind some thread drift due to the organic evolution of conversations, but when it appears that two or three people are the only people commenting in a lengthy back-and-forth that has nothing to do with the topic at hand, those conversations should be taken to private email.

If this continues to happen in the future, blog comments will be put in moderation and may be deleted at my discretion.

Mrs. Lorelai?

Those who have read this blog for a while (or have read most or all of the posts) probably know that I was a fan of Gilmore Girls when it was on TV.  What’s weird about my enjoyment of the show is that I thought the two titular leads were pretty insufferable.  Single mom Lorelai and her daughter Rory were presented as a courageous, witty, attractive mother-daughter duo whom we were supposed to love and root for, but the more I watched, the more I thought, “Holy MOLY does Lorelai ever think the world revolves around herself.  And does she ever SHUT UP?!”  Yet I generally thought the storytelling on the show was good.  Go figure.

Recently the show popped into my head again, and I got to thinking – would any man in the real world consider Lorelai marriage material?  During the seven years that the show aired, she had sex with five different men, yet I think very few fans of the show would consider her promiscuous.  Let’s break it down:

Max – Rory’s teacher at a prestigious prep school.  Seemingly brought together by animal magnetism, Lorelai and Max were on and off until Max, in a fit of frustration, proposed marriage as a way to remain together.  This prompted Lorelai to give a speech about how proposals should be Events.

LORELAI: No, it has to be planned. It should be magical. There should be music playing and romantic lighting and a subtle buildup to the popping of the big question. There should be a thousand yellow daisies and candles and a horse and I don’t know what the horse is doing there unless you’re riding it, which seems a little over the top, but it should be more than this.

Of course, Max did just what Lorelai demanded suggested, and she accepted…

…only to cancel the engagement after calling Rory’s dad (with whom she had already had an impromptu one night stand with on the balcony of her parents’ house during one of her breakups with Max) during her bachelorette party and realizing that she didn’t really want to be married to Max.

Christopher – Lorelai’s high school boyfriend and Rory’s estranged dad who starts the series as an irresponsible screw-up and ends the series as a wealthy man (gotta love inheritances).  In addition to having sex with Christopher during a breakup with Max, Lorelai also had sex with him again on the eve of her best friend’s wedding, after finding out that Christopher and his live-in girlfriend were on the outs.  The only problem was that the next day, Christopher found out that his girlfriend was pregnant, and he decided to go back to her so he could be there for the child.  (But wait, there’s more…)

Alex – A hunky, personality-free guy Lorelai dated briefly.

Jason – A guy Lorelai knew (and used to make fun of) from childhood who went into business with her father.  Quirky and persistent, he finally got Lorelai to go out with him – although she insisted that their relationship remain secret.  Lorelai finally broke it off with Jason after she found out that he was suing her father for screwing him over in business.

Luke – The gruff diner owner with the good heart who pined for Lorelai for a decade (even while briefly married to another woman after a drunken whim on a cruise ship – !!!) before he finally listened to some self-help tapes and realized that Lorelai was the one for him.  After dating for several months (minus a month-long breakup), Lorelai spontaneously proposed to Luke (in order to “feel better” after Rory was arrested for grand theft of a yacht).  Luke accepted, but Lorelai put a halt to their wedding plans, stating that she couldn’t get married without Rory being a part of it (the two became estranged after Rory’s arrest and subsequent dropping out of Yale).  When Rory and Lorelai reconciled, Lorelai went ahead with planning the wedding, but then it was Luke’s turn to postpone, due to discovering he had a pre-teen daughter by an old girlfriend, and wanting to establish his place in his daughter’s life – without Lorelai’s involvement – before getting married.  After months of feeling marginalized and unloved, Lorelai finally gave Luke a tearful ultimatum to elope.  He refused, and Lorelai ran off, right back into the arms of…

Christopher (again).  Christopher had become a single dad after his wife had left him for a prestigious job opportunity in Paris.   He had also become very wealthy due to an inheritance from a deceased relative, and began paying for Rory’s schooling, which brought him back into Lorelai’s life.  After Luke rejected Lorelai’s ultimatum, Lorelai went to Christoper for comfort and ended up having sex with him.  Then the new writers for the show took over and made Lorelai and Christopher begin dating again and seem like a functional couple until they eloped in Paris, after which Lorelai started exhibiting buyer’s remorse but being completely surprised that her husband would notice and feel hurt about it.  After Lorelai wrote a character reference letter for Luke’s custody battle for his daughter, Christopher found it and interpreted it as his wife still having feelings for her ex-fiance.  Christoper confronted Lorelai about the letter and stormed off, refusing to answer any of her phone calls for 24 hours.  Unfortunately for Christopher, Lorelai’s father had a heart attack during this time, and when Lorelai couldn’t reach Christopher, she decided once and for all that he could never be depended on and that they had made a mistake in getting married.  After they separated (with Christopher apologizing to Lorelai for “pressuring” her into marrying him), Lorelai began incorporating Luke into her life again, and realized that he really was the one after she found out that he worked all night to give Rory a going-away party (in the series finale, she leaves to work on the Obama campaign).  Of course, Luke was ready to take Lorelai back with open arms, stating that he was willing to give her “all the time she needs.”

My feeling after Lorelai had sex with Christopher after giving Luke the ultimatum was that Luke would have to be CRAZY to take Lorelai back, especially after how things ended between them.  How could any man with even a smidgen of self-respect take back a woman who ended their relationship with a crazed, overemotional ultimatum and having sex with her ex who happened to be the father of her child and with whom she had had a number of one-offs?   And then – the storytelling debacle of the final season – turn around and date and marry the ex, then split after a couple of months because, oops, she wasn’t thinking straight and she really still did have feelings for her ex-fiance?  At the time, before I had even heard of Game, I thought the reasoning behind this plotline was completely bogus if Luke and Lorelai were truly supposed to be together at the show’s conclusion.  I remember reading articles where the showrunner said that Lorelai needed to explore what might have been with Christopher and realize that hopes/wishes were not the same as actually making a life with someone.  Okay, fine – but did she really need to marry and divorce him over the span of a few months to figure this out?  According to the show, the characters had known each other for over 30 years!  Moreover, if Lorelai still had this burning need to figure out if she and Christopher could make a life together, then what was she doing ever getting engaged to and planning to marry Luke?!?!  It just made Luke look like a placeholder and an enormous CHUMP for taking her back at the end, acting as though Lorelai’s actions were just a tiny misunderstanding to be waved away now that time had healed all wounds.

Truthfully, the show was in a pickle after the ultimatum/sex.  The original showrunner and primary writer left the show after that, leaving a new crew of writers to resolve the storyline in what turned out to be the final season.  The show’s fans had oneitis for Luke and Lorelai as a couple, so the show had to end with the two together, yet the original showrunner had, in my opinion, rendered that logistically impossible.  So, while the writers didn’t exactly make lemonade out of the lemons they were left, they did make…something.

Anyhow, I’ve gone completely off track with my original point, which was whether any men in real life would consider Lorelai wife material.  Clearly I’m overinvested if I’m still having fits over the storyline even though the show has been out of production for several years, but the show’s transgressions were so egregious that they will forever remain irreconcilable.  I can suspend disbelief for quite a bit of things in a fictional story, but defying basic human nature isn’t one of those things.

 

The 10-point scale for female attractiveness.

There’s a lot of talk on the internet among men about the 10-point scale – Kane is the most recent to broach the topic.  The scale is supposed to be objective, but it is accurate more in the sense of large-scale consensus than if you were to ask an individual person for rankings.  Additionally, it uses one number to account for both face and body, which can lead to difficulties in precision of ranking if, say, a woman has a gorgeous face but wears a size 18.  (It reminds me a little of the old figure skating point system, where the judges had to reduce the complexities of choreography, interpretation, performance, and technical ability into two marks, one for technical merit and the other for artistry.  This sometimes led to controversy when a skater could jump like a god but could barely skate.)

For future reference (and for throwing in my $0.02), here’s how I would break it down:

1, 2, 3 – Really unfortunate-looking women.  The bodies aren’t good…neither are the faces.  Sometimes it can’t be helped (genetics, disease, other conditions); sometimes it can (diet/exercise/grooming say what?).  A beautiful personality is the saving grace.  Still, even these women can get husbands.

4 – Moving into the territory of “plain.”  Not pretty, not cute, but not ugly.  Weight may or may not be a factor.  Includes RenFaire lovers; Comic-Con cosplayers; young, educated professional women who are impassioned about gender equality and gay rights and are prone to meticulous bean-counting of all pop culture transgressions in these areas.

5 – Average.  Not likely to ever be called pretty or cute, but not ugly and can be appealing with good grooming.  The good-looking version of a 4.

6 – Not pretty, but can pass for cute as long as they take care of themselves.  A good personality is a HUGE boost to a 6.

7 – Cute (or cute-ish) girls who can look pretty or even hot under the right circumstances; also, girls with 8.5 bodies and 5.5 faces.  Think actresses who usually play “the best friend” or “nerd girl whose glasses prevent her from being seen as hot.”  Celebrity reference:  Alyson Hannigan, Pauley Perrette, Melissa Joan Hart.

8 – Genuinely pretty girls.  You want to keep looking at them.  Hollywood leading lady-caliber begins here (unless they’re talented, in which case being a 7 will do).  Celebrity reference:  Anne Hathaway, Kate Middleton, Evangeline Lilly, Sandra Bullock, Carrie Underwood.  Actually, now that I think about it, most contemporary Hollywood leading ladies are 8s – good-looking enough to be aspirational, not so good-looking or overly sexy to be off-putting.

9 – “One of the world’s most beautiful women” territory.  This is where a woman is so dazzling that almost nothing else about her matters; even if she cured cancer and brought world peace, these would still be secondary to her beauty.  “Sexy” is often used as a description.  Celebrity reference:  Sofia Vergara, Halle Berry, Kim Kardashian, Victoria’s Secret models.

10 – “World’s most beautiful woman” who tickles your particular fancy.

Note that for the majority of women, ranking is not static.  A woman can improve her ranking by maintaining a weight that is close to ideal for her body type/frame, dressing well, and grooming herself in a flattering way.  Of course, the opposite is all too true as well.

Why girls are not usually friends with girls prettier than themselves.

This message board post gets to the heart of it:

Have you ever had that one girlfriend who always seems to get hit on first within your group? Well whenever my roommate/friend and I go out, guys will ask her to dance over me or when two guys approach us it’s obvious that both guys are trying to get her attention and the one stuck with me will act disinterested.

I honestly think I’m an average to cute girl and come off very friendly and sociable, but my roommate is obviously prettier than me. I’m just tired of being the girl who gets overlooked and not approached when I’m with her and in all honesty as bitter as it sounds, my self-esteem has hindered by hanging out with her because of all the attention she gets. I’ve even had guys I’m interested in ask me if she’s single.

Please tell me someone out there has a close friend like this and has been in this kind of situation, and how did you handle it?

While there IS the phenomenon of one genuinely pretty girl having a bunch of semi-buttery friends basking in their pretty friend’s aura (see:  most popular girl cliques in high school), most female friend groups sort out by looks status.  In other words, even if two girls have similar interests (for example, they both love Grey’s Anatomy, reading, and horses), they probably won’t be friends unless they’re within 1 point of attractiveness of each other.  Any more difference than that, and it just becomes too difficult for women to hang out, particularly once there are men in the picture.  The less pretty friend eventually gets tired of being ignored and decides it’s pointless to go out with the pretty friend when all it does it result in the less pretty friend being ignored all night and/or used as a conduit to the pretty friend.  When allowed to go on for too long, the less pretty friend usually ends up jealous, resentful, and sometimes bitter.

That said, there are a few exceptions that do allow two women of unequal good looks to remain friends:

1. The pretty girl attracts men who are not attractive to the less pretty friend.  For example, if Unpretty is into skinny intellectuals and Pretty gets swaggery thugs in oversize sports jerseys who make Unpretty’s brain cells atrophy, Unpretty will be less likely to resent the attention that Pretty gets.
2. Pretty doesn’t bask in the attention or ditch Unpretty whenever guys come on the scene.  In other words, if Pretty shows “good taste” in whose attention she chooses to receive, and graciously strives to include Unpretty, then Unpretty will also be less likely to resent the attention that Pretty gets.  On the other hand, if Pretty luxuriates in being the Belle of the Ball whenever a guy looks at her for two seconds, the friendship with Unpretty probably won’t last.
3. Unpretty worships Pretty.  Some girls are so desperate for any glimmer of a chance at popularity that they will endure a lot of crappy and sometimes humiliating treatment just to remain in Pretty’s orbit.  Even if Unpretty subconsciously resents Pretty, Unpretty will beat down her subconscious in order to achieve the greater goal.

As for the OP, I would be surprised if she remains friends with her roommate beyond the next year or so.  Pretty’s popularity with men whom OP finds attractive is going to get to OP eventually, and the tension and resentment of being ignored will become too great for OP to stand – even if OP still genuinely likes Pretty.  Ten bucks says OP will chalk this up to “growing apart.”  Of course, Pretty could always level the playing field by gaining weight (or OP could lose weight/glam up, if those are issues affecting OP’s attractiveness to men).

 

~Realistic expectations~ part 2.

~Realistic expectations~

(Unbunch your britches, people.  I’m doing a female one, too.)

World magazine: “Christian Boy Meets Christian Girl.”

Back in June, World magazine (a biweekly politically conservative evangelical newsmagazine) did a cover story on the problems Christian singles are having finding someone to marry.  The viewpoints espoused by the interviewees sound nearly verbatim to opinions I’ve encountered (both online and in real life).  Among them:

• Guys don’t know how to pursue in a manly or godly way
• Too many rejections
• Fear of divorce
• Dating scene crippled by IKDG – pressure not to date unless reasonably certain the other person is “the one” or at least realistically could be
• Too much focus on group activities
• Women don’t want to ask men out
• Women feel men are content with apathy towards dating and women
• Men feel women are too picky and only want to be asked out by certain men
• Men are overwhelmed by choice and keep holding out for someone better-looking, more spiritual, more intelligent, etc.
• Churches don’t do anything to help singles

Did the article miss anything?  (Well, other than pointing out that everyone in America is just too darn fat and dresses like a slob.)

There’s also a sidebar one-page article called “A Man’s World,” in which (once again) the sexual economics of college campuses are discussed and (once again) the conclusion is reached that women are the losers and men are the winners.  Of course, without discussing the alpha/beta distinction among men, this isn’t exactly an accurate depiction of the reality of the SMP of the college and singles scenes.

Movie: Soul Surfer.

I recently saw the inspirational movie Soul Surfer, which is based on the real-life story of Bethany Hamilton, a Christian teenage surfer who lost her arm in a shark attack several years ago.  Unlike Fireproof, Soul Surfer had a multi-million dollar budget and major studio backing, and as a result offers viewers Hollywood production values and “name” actors who were able to bring the script to life.  The movie was shot in Hawaii and makes the island look gorgeous.  The surfing is also authentic – the real Bethany Hamilton did the surfing for her movie self – and is well-filmed.

Oftentimes when Christian stories go through the Hollywood machine, the Christian content gets watered down so as to draw a wider audience (i.e., not “offend” anyone).  That didn’t really happen in Soul Surfer.  We see the characters attending church and singing worship songs, Carrie Underwood shows up as the youth group leader to read scripture and go on missions trips, and Bethany’s dad is reading the Bible as he watches over her in the hospital.  I was surprised to see this degree of realism of a contemporary evangelical lifestyle in a major theatrical feature, but the movie manages the minor miracle of not being preachy or self-conscious about it.  The Hamilton family’s faith is presented as a normal part of their lives, not a Special Teachable Moment or Time Out For An Altar Call To The Heathens Unsaved We Tricked Into Seeing This Movie That’s Supposed To Be About Surfing  But Not Really HaHa.

Notable for readers of this blog is the portrayal of Bethany’s parents by Dennis Quaid and Helen Hunt.  It’s not just that they were believable as parents and a married couple (they were), but they were believable as a married couple who loved each other and LIKED each other and still had a sexual spark between them.  It was a pleasure to see.  Too often in movies and TV, longtime married couples who get along are portrayed as kindly roommate-partners whose pinnacle of passion is a peck when the husband or wife comes home from work, or maybe an affectionate side hug.

Funnily enough, although Soul Surfer is primo youth group entertainment, I can see it being controversial in some circles because the girls wear string bikinis throughout much of the movie (although during the surf competitions, they wear colored surf shirts).  To someone familiar with beach/surf culture, this is ordinary and unremarkable, but I can already imagine the handwringing over whether to let hormonal teenage boys view the movie for fear of inciting lust.

(For parents – there is zero bad language, and even the shark attack is pretty benign.)

You might be Christian LJBFed if…

…you ask her out and she needs to pray about it before giving you an answer.

…she never talks to you at churchly singles mingles without a less attractive, more boring, more annoying female friend around.

…she only invites you to group activities.

…she is popular at church and you are not.

…she tells you you’re a “great guy.”

…she tells you that so many girls are looking for a godly guy like you.

…she puts you on the prayer team tree and you’re not the person she’s supposed to call.

…she praises the worship leader/hot missionary/Habitat for Humanity organizer’s “servant’s heart” too much.

…the pastor instructs everyone to reach across the aisle for prayer and you get to hold her hand only to find out it’s cold and limp and she doesn’t give a quick, churchly squeeze at “amen.”

…she calls you a brother in Christ.