One of the worst LJBF stories I’ve ever read.

2 Dec

It has to be read to be believed.  From a commenter named “Anonymous Male” at Boundless (of course):

Ansley (#2):

In addition to I_choose_to_remain_anonymous’s response, I would like to offer another possible reason that God might choose not to take away your feelings for a certain person even if you asked for it. Here’s my story…

During my senior year of college, I noticed a connection developing with a sister in Christ, someone with whom I served in leadership together in the same on-campus ministry. Knowing that she was still emotionally recovering from a previous failed relationship at that time, though, I decided to hold back on pursuing her for a while. The DTR talk did eventually happen, but I got a polite no along the lines of “thanks for letting me know, but I’m not interested in a relationship right now.”

Despite that, she said that she still wanted to be friends. And since both she and I were still teammates in the same ministry, I thought that it would be uncaring and irresponsible for me to cut off contact with her simply because of the potential awkwardness that could result from the knowledge that there was unilateral interest. So I simply tried my best to continue interacting with her in the same way that I used to before then.

The last semester of that school year, however, would be a stressful one both for her and for me for various reasons. Ironically, this actually allowed the friendship to further deepen despite the mutual recognition that an official relationship was not going to happen. So, as it turned out, having to say goodbye to each other at graduation was not easy (let’s just say tears were shed). It would take my moving out of state for grad school later that summer to provide the distance required to ultimately get over her. Before that, though, she and I did have a chance to exchange quite a few words of blessing for each other on my way out. (To me, that counts as good closure.)

So what’s the point of my story? Based on how things turned out, I wondered if God chose not to take away my feelings for her (even though I asked for that after getting the polite rejection) because the plan was for her and me to be a blessing to each other for a season— no more, and no less.

BICs** and other male readers, DON’T BE THIS GUY.

If you ever want a woman to see you as a man, if you ever want to be attractive to a woman, if you ever want to have sex someday with a woman who has sexual desire for you, DON’T BE THIS GUY.

DON’T.

DON’T.

DON’T.

DON’T.

Don’t think of her as your sister in Christ, at least not if it means putting her on a pedestal.

Don’t hold back on pursuing her because she’s “still emotionally recovering from a failed relationship.”

Don’t think that it’s “uncaring” or “irresponsible” to cut off a friendship with a woman who LJBFs you.

Don’t keep trying to be the same friend afterward.

Don’t man-hamster yourself into thinking your “deeper” friendship means anything when she has completely nixed the possibility of ever having sex with you.

Don’t cry at graduation when you separate.

Don’t “exchange words of blessing” and consider it closure.  (And don’t worry about closure in the first place.)

And DON’T, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, LOOK BACK ON THIS EXPERIENCE AS A CHANCE TO “BE A BLESSING” TO EACH OTHER AND BELIEVE IT WAS GOD’S DIVINE PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE.

**That’s Brothers-In-Christ.  (The girl version is SICs.)

As a bonus in the department of “things that seem like satirical spoofs but are actually really real,” here’s the (unrelated) video that’s been entertaining me all week:

Makaziville Pre Registration from John Andersen on Vimeo.

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43 Responses to “One of the worst LJBF stories I’ve ever read.”

  1. LibertyBelle December 3, 2011 at 5:51 am #

    Amen.

  2. y81 December 3, 2011 at 6:51 am #

    I pretty much disagree. It’s good to have friends of the opposite sex, and the fact that your initial interest in someone was romantic doesn’t mean that you can’t have a long-time, even lifelong, friendship with that person. See what happens. If the relationship isn’t making the guy actively unhappy, who are we to tell him how to run his life?

    I can see two concerns that Haley might have, but neither one is valid. The first is that mooning over this girl from college is going to prevent the guy from forming new relationships. That might happen to a woman, but men aren’t like that. They are perfectly capable of having an idealized “Platonic” relationship with Woman A while having hot sex with Woman B.

    The other is that the guy does seem a little cloddish (though we have to recognize that much of what he says is just “Christianese” rationalization of normal college-age confusion and uncertainty.) However, this concern reflects the fundamental attribution error. When he meets the right woman, she won’t think he’s a clod, and, what is more, he won’t be a clod.

  3. Hermes December 3, 2011 at 8:04 am #

    Don’t, don’t, don’t. It’s much easier to learn what NOT to do, than it is to learn what TO do. So what do you think guys in this situation should DO?

  4. John December 3, 2011 at 8:16 am #

    Agree and disagree some here… I definitely agree this dude shouldn’t be pedestalizing the girl. From the way he writes his letter it sounds like he’s got a decent case of oneitis too, which is a big “don’t”. Crying when you both graduate is definitely a DLV. Hold it together man, seriously.

    As for the holding off your approach because she’s still in recovery mode, guys ought to have enough acumen to figure that out. Jumping in too soon after a girl breaks up makes you appear like a jerk looking for a snatch ‘n grab at best, totally creepy at worst. The problem to me sounds like this guy intentionally friend-zoned himself thinking he could be the cuddly, supportive, cry-on-my-shoulder beta first and then bust out of that friendzone later (major mistake). If a girl really is still in a recovery phase then it’s best to just stand off until she’s recovered.

    As for retaining the friendship later, it’s possible and can be useful as long as you maintain it in rigid context. (i.e. make sure it’s an actual friendship and not a beta-orbiter situation) Female friendships can be useful to a guy as a sounding board or as “objective” third party insight, but don’t treat her any differently than you’d treat your bros.

    I will refrain from commenting on the whole “blessings” issue, just because I hesitate to speak for the almighty as to what does or doesn’t constitute a blessing for someone. I will at least give the guy a little credit for taking a silver lining approach and not just whining about being LJBF’d. Could it have been something more if he’d played his cards differently? Maybe, and for all we know maybe this might have been the lesson he needed so that he can be a better catch for the next gal God brings along his path.

  5. Hana December 3, 2011 at 8:56 am #

    Hm – like John, I wouldn’t criticize the Boundless guy for choosing to see the situation as a blessing. It’s better for him in the long run if he sees the glass-half-full, rather than seeing the glass-half-empty and becoming bitter. I just don’t agree with his interpretation that God “chose not to take away my feelings for her…because the plan was for her and me to be a blessing to each other for a season.” It’s like he’s saying that if God had taken away the romantic feelings, he wouldn’t have been friends with the girl. But…he’s presenting himself as this godly “brother in Christ”, so as a good Christian, surely he would treat this girl as a sister in Christ even if he didn’t have feelings for her, right? Why would God need to give him romantic feelings for a girl just so he could befriend her? I sense a male version of a hamster in his argument. (But, I give him credit for finding the silver lining.)

  6. anonymous x December 3, 2011 at 10:12 am #

    I would have cut off her as a friend. I’d work with her in the ministry and that would be IT. I sure wish I would have learned when I was younger that friend zones are really bad places to be. Well better late than never.

  7. Samson J. December 3, 2011 at 10:21 am #

    So what do you think guys in this situation should DO?

    I would have cut off her as a friend.

    Problem solved.

    (Or, for those who are a little more warm-hearted, I have eight words: just stop caring and get on with life.)

  8. ASDF December 3, 2011 at 10:25 am #

    Don’t, don’t, don’t. It’s much easier to learn what NOT to do, than it is to learn what TO do. So what do you think guys in this situation should DO?

    He should act like a man, and I’m not using “shaming language” when I say that. He should have slowly removed himself from being involved with her on a day-to-day basis, as much for his sanity as anything else.

    If she’s not interested in a relationship and they continue to hang out, it needs to be with the understanding that he is a sexual being, and is using her for advice/introductions to her single friends. If it is strictly asexual and platonic, then he is basically one of the girls, and that leads to situations where he feels like it’s ok to cry at the end of the semester. That’s what two 10 year old girls do at the end of summer camp.

  9. A December 3, 2011 at 11:26 am #

    Don’t, don’t, don’t. It’s much easier to learn what NOT to do, than it is to learn what TO do. So what do you think guys in this situation should DO?

    1. If you have to work with this person in some capacity (ministry etc.), be polite and friendly while keeping your distance.
    2. Pursue other women.

    The only way you could possibly turn this around would be to somehow acquire a massive increase in your status or else make her jealous by being seen to date other attractive women.

  10. jack December 3, 2011 at 5:00 pm #

    I won’t. I refuse to be a parachute, breaking the fall of any woman who is going through a rough spot, getting over a failed relationship, or whatever.

    I will let any and every woman go uncomforted before I will be LJB-Effed like that ever again.

    She needs a shoulder to cry on? Tough luck.

  11. Jennifer December 3, 2011 at 9:20 pm #

    He does sound too passive; even if it was a girl, I’d tell her to try harder than that. But WHAT is wrong with keeping him as a friend? It’s not like she cried to him after every time she failed at another relationship. They were already friends, so she didn’t throw that in as a charity offer.

  12. Jennifer December 3, 2011 at 9:22 pm #

    “The only way you could possibly turn this around would be to somehow acquire a massive increase in your status or else make her jealous by being seen to date other attractive women”

    Oh please. He doesn’t need to USE her as a way to get someone else, either, though I would definitely recommend he extricate himself for a while, then start seeing another girl as soon as he knows he’s not going to treat her as a rebound.

  13. Jennifer December 3, 2011 at 9:24 pm #

    “Crying when you both graduate is definitely a DLV. Hold it together man, seriously”

    LOL Yeeaah, all things combined, he definitely got too soft in the feelings.

  14. laceagate December 3, 2011 at 9:35 pm #

    Paul Elam would say this was a “Girl Friend With A Penis.”

  15. Mark Slater December 3, 2011 at 11:54 pm #

    “…someone with whom I served in leadership together in the same on-campus ministry.”

    I cannot help but notice that a lot of these Boundless types always seem to be involved in one kind of “ministry” or another. Doesn’t any of the lovelorn belong to the baseball team, or the shooting club, or even the chess team?

    ASDF: “He should act like a man, and I’m not using “shaming language” when I say that. He should have slowly removed himself from being involved with her on a day-to-day basis, as much for his sanity as anything else.”

    Yeah, I agree. But we must remember that one can’t turn off warm fuzzies for a girl as though it was a switch, sometimes the process takes weeks or months. He probably kept thinking, “Maybe she’ll change, maybe she will start to like me” We’ve all been there.

    Maybe the guy is a fan of classic music. He could listen to the advice of The Four Seasons,

    “Walk like a man, talk like a man
    Walk like a man, my son.
    No woman’s worth
    falling on the earth
    So walk like a man, my son.”

  16. Perhaps December 4, 2011 at 5:51 am #

    That is actually a pretty typical teenage love story between a girl and a boy who has been told that girls have feelings for boys as if they were people too, and has had too few experiences as to reality.

    To add to the peremptory advice of the blogger, my pithy summary of how this plays in most cases according to “game” and common experience:

    * If you need her more than she needs you, she feels you as a loser, and won’t be sexually attracted. This means that she will not go out with you even if there is nobody else.

    * If she needs you more than you need her, she feels you as a winner, and will be sexually attracted. This does not mean that she will go out with you, there may be someone else more attractive.

    * If she is one of the 1-in-a-1000 mutants, the above does not necessarily apply. Don’t even try to find one, odds are too low.

    * The above is entirely independent of the sincerity of her faith and religious compatibility with you, but not of the chances of a successful Christian marriage, unless she has truly extraordinary self control and can force herself to stay in a committed exclusive relationship to someone she feels a loser.

  17. imnobody December 4, 2011 at 8:39 am #

    Yeah, I agree. But we must remember that one can’t turn off warm fuzzies for a girl as though it was a switch, sometimes the process takes weeks or months. He probably kept thinking, “Maybe she’ll change, maybe she will start to like me” We’ve all been there.

    Agreed. God knows I have been (and a lot). But after a lot of years, I discovered that, while I couldn’t turn off feelings for a woman, I could break the friendship relationship and keep distance until these feelings disappear. There’s no shortage of people who want to be your friends and being in the LJBF situation is pure hell.

    The last time it happened this to me was about 3 years ago when I was in the States. I knew a woman, she gave me attraction signals: she seemed interested in a possible relationship in me. But, when I tried to be closer to her, she tried to keep the distance. She happened to be the greatest attention whore I have met all my life (she wanted to have a group of admirers to feed her damaged ego, because her ex had just married another woman). He did this with me and, later on, with two of my friends.

    Once she invited me to eat a hamburger in a fancy restaurant. While I was there, I had the impression that she was only going through the motions. She ate the hamburger quickly to end the meal as soon as possible. Then she said:

    – Well, we’ll see each other again soon.

    And I replied:

    – No, we are not going to see each other again.

    She was astonished:

    – Why? Why do you say that?

    – Here in America, you work so hard that you have no time for friends. And I need my free time to find a woman to share my life with. So I will not able to be with friends like you.

    (Of course, this was BS and she knew it, but it communicated the reason of my breaking the friendship without even telling her that I was interested in her – she knew it but I was not willing to tell her to feed her ego. She wasn’t able to reply)

    She was completely surprised (and I enjoyed every minute of it). She seemed so hurt that some man was not eager for the crumbs of her affection. I let her at her home and I never called her again. Never looked back.

  18. Samson J. December 4, 2011 at 9:58 am #

    I cannot help but notice that a lot of these Boundless types always seem to be involved in one kind of “ministry” or another. Doesn’t any of the lovelorn belong to the baseball team, or the shooting club, or even the chess team?

    That is a really good point, Mark, and I think it deserves further exploration by the Christian datingsphere. I think that Christians in general should be getting themselves out there into the world by participating in activities that they actually enjoy and not isolating themselves in Christian ghettos. I am not putting Christian ministries down (I was in one), but it’s a classic beta move to lack any real recreational interests.and attend a Christian ministry because you kind of vaguely think you “should”.

  19. John December 4, 2011 at 11:41 am #

    Mark and Sampson have a good point about outside interests. I would point out that most of Boundless’s readers and writers seem to follow the “do not be unequally yoked” admonition, so they may intentionally limit themselves to looking for dating partners within their church group. They might be members of the chess club or softball team, but since there’s not an overt assumption that all members are Christian, they may not view their friends in the secular venue as eligible dating material unless their faith comes up in conversation first.

    Personally, I think that is a bit limiting. By all means have friends and hobbies outside the “church group.” It’s a great place to have fun, be a positive influence, and who knows… that cute outfielder might be a Christian too.

  20. Philip December 4, 2011 at 11:58 am #

    Wow, this post pretty much confirms all my suspicions that this blog is all about the self-interested pursuit of sex (dressed up in Christianese with a nod toward marriage, of course, for the edification of the righteous). If the price for getting laid is committing to spend life with someone with contempt for the idea of blessing others, then celibacy is the less painful path.

    Fortunately, not every woman is this cynical, nor does blessing others require extreme self-diffidence.

  21. Philip December 4, 2011 at 12:12 pm #

    Also, the inclination of so many commenters to try to feminize expressions of emotion is just disgusting. Because “thinking” males (in Myers-Briggs terms) will always be the numerical majority, you get away with a certain amount of hegemony. That doesn’t mean that the mature and self-aware among us “feeling” males can’t learn self-confidence and fight back. You do have my pity for having to go through life with such a simple-minded view of humanity, though.

    Never mind what being Christlike means, because as far as i can tell emulating Jesus is little more than an afterthought.

  22. Jason December 4, 2011 at 12:19 pm #

    This is a sad story, but it might have been me back in the day when I was a lot less cynical, and a lot more naive than I am now.

  23. Jason December 4, 2011 at 12:21 pm #

    I’m not sure which is more amusing, the LJBF females, or the white-knighting males.

  24. Mark Slater December 4, 2011 at 1:06 pm #

    Imnobody:
    “She happened to be the greatest attention whore I have met all my life” You see that upon reflection. At the time you were probably thinking, “She is the most wonderful woman ever” and, nonetheless, you walked.

    I admire your bravery. And remember, bravery does not mean fearless or heartless; bravery is being afraid (or in your case, in love) and yet doing what needs to be done.

  25. ASDF December 4, 2011 at 1:29 pm #

    Wow, this post pretty much confirms all my suspicions that this blog is all about the self-interested pursuit of sex.

    Well, duh. It’s a singles blog. I have more platonic companionship than I know what to do with.

    That doesn’t mean that the mature and self-aware among us “feeling” males can’t learn self-confidence and fight back.

    Good. Then our teasing will have worked.

  26. Nerdy Bachelor December 4, 2011 at 7:08 pm #

    Haley,

    I don’t understand why this is such a big deal. It seems to me that the worst that can be said about this guy is that he waited 6-8 months longer to move on with his life than you think he should have. So what?

    For all I know, he could be happily married and younger than us.

  27. Purple Tortoise December 4, 2011 at 10:37 pm #

    I agree with Nerdy Bachelor. Why is it such a big deal? I’ve been LJBFed in the past, gotten over it, and remained friends for many years after. Eventually I became a bit more alpha and married a woman a decade younger than me. And the women who LJBFed me? They never married and are now in their 40s with cats.

  28. JKL December 4, 2011 at 10:53 pm #

    This describes my first crush in college. Never dated in my life. Had a thing for my freshman roommate’s gf. They broke up, waited until sophomore year. It killed me to hang out with her, but knew she was interested in another guy. I figured if I didn’t do something, I would regret it my whole life. Told her I liked her even though I knew she was crushing hard on another guy. Got LJBFed willingly. She was really great to me though. Very supportive, told me she was proud of me for having the balls to tell her. Always gave me hugs when she saw me. We would talk and send fb messages to each other.

    Then Junior year got a super hot gf (everybody I knew was like what??? how did this happen?) which to this day I’m sure was 50% due to my association with said LJBF. Unfortunately gf broke up with me 3 months later because I was completely clueless as to what I was doing. But then I was able to use that experience (plus reading up on game) to woo another moderately attractive girl (didn’t get as many what???’s, but got some nods of approval) even more easily.

    All of this to say that I think that for a lot of guys the LJBF is a necessary step into learning how to deal with women and getting over any anxiety they have about sharing romantic feelings with a girl. Also, being able to control one’s emotions with an LJBF will build social bridges that lead to more dating oppurtunities.

    I don’t talk to said girl anymore (all communication stopped after her engagement, and then marriage), but I’m really glad for the experience. And I can’t say that I regret not being with her anymore, since my tastes in women have changed since I’ve had more dating experience and figured out more what I’m specifically looking for.

  29. Aunt Haley December 5, 2011 at 1:22 pm #

    Mark Slater–
    I cannot help but notice that a lot of these Boundless types always seem to be involved in one kind of “ministry” or another. Doesn’t any of the lovelorn belong to the baseball team, or the shooting club, or even the chess team?

    Well, maybe, but articles like John Thomas’s “Bad Boys’ Confidence” push spiritual leadership over involvement in other activities as the prime way to become more attractive to women:

    When a girl seeks a husband, whether or not she says it out loud, she seeks a man who she believes can lead her and her children. This is true, and it is biblical….
    So the question is, are you following hard after God? Are you leading by example when it comes to the pursuit of God? Is yours the kind of example younger Christians could follow? Are you plugged in to a community of believers and leading by serving the body of Christ? Are you active in initiating your passion for Christ, or are you passively letting your heart float around like a cork on the ocean, noncommittal to Christ and His church? Are you excited about where God is taking you and can’t wait for all the future holds, or are you just passively letting life happen to you?

    No admonitions to get out and get a life. Just become more dedicated to God! That’s what Christian women want!

  30. y81 December 5, 2011 at 2:28 pm #

    What Nerdy Bachelor and Purple Tortoise said. Except actually most of the girls who didn’t want to go out with me ended up married to someone else; they’re happy (so far as I know) and so am I; and a few of them are still my friends. Sitting around brooding about revenge on the female sex, like some of the commenters, doesn’t seem like the most productive life course.

  31. Doc December 5, 2011 at 2:33 pm #

    Argh…. This guy was clueless from the beginning. Never – let me say that again – NEVER be part of a woman’s “support network” or “friends”. Yeah – I have women friends from when I was that clueless – but none since for a very simple reason, it doesn’t pay. When I learned what I was doing wrong, I told someone who said she thought of me as “just a friend” that it was fine and only managed to get together with her when either I was a) with someone new, b) or using her so that I could hook up with someone new. If she wanted to be a “friend” why shouldn’t she help me to meet other women?

    Really upset her till she finally asked, “What’s wrong with me? Am I chopped liver?” After a shudder at the thought of raw chopped-liver, I told her that she had said that she only wanted to be friends, so I didn’t “see her that way” and she really wasn’t “my type”.

    Well that is a challenge. She liked it when she had my attention, but when that attention was clearly on someone else, and I would leave her at a bar to take the other girl home, it pissed her off and she started wondering what she was missing, since I had no problem finding women. (She was in that time when I was getting my “sea” legs – so to speak.)

    My point is, that it’s possible to salvage a LJBF, but it takes a lot more work, and you’ll almost always find that what you hoped for, and the reality are completely different. That is also why I demand “sampling” the merchandise before moving forward in any type of relationship – otherwise you never know what you’re getting, a firecracker, or a dud…

    She was one of the last women I ever pined over, before saying “F**k it, I can do better than this.” And set out to understand exactly how to do just that. Today, guys have a lot more information to draw upon than I did in my day – there is an entire community teaching what I learned via trial and error, long ago… Read it, use it,. live it, and enjoy it… There are no dress-rehearsals at life…

  32. ASDF December 5, 2011 at 7:25 pm #

    Can somebody please explain to a clueless Catholic what “ministry” is? We have a priest to do most of this stuff. And church elders. And if you’re really keen, there is youth group for two hours on Wednesday night. What the heck are these guys doing that they can’t do church activities AND join a flag football league?

  33. Marvin December 5, 2011 at 8:44 pm #

    Yes, Anonymous Male is clearly an idiot. The proper way to start a relationship is not to be her friend, but to tell her how it’s going to be. Radiate confidence, certainty, knowledge of your future together. And if she gives you the LJBF speech, you smile and move on, because she obviously isn’t a good choice. If you wanted to be friends, you would have asked to be friends in the first place. ;-) So, on to the next.

  34. A December 5, 2011 at 8:54 pm #

    Can somebody please explain to a clueless Catholic what “ministry” is?

    Really, its any sort of leadership role in the church not taken by the clergy. Leading the choir, organizing the youth group, heading up some committee etc. From what I’ve seen lay Catholics do a lot of the same sort of things, but apparently they don’t call it by the same name.

  35. Wayfinder December 6, 2011 at 12:04 pm #

    Re: “ministry”

    Though the usage isn’t confined to them, Evangelicals in particular use “ministry” to refer to doing work for God. This can be at church, or it can be a parachurch thing: missionary work counts, some volunteering counts, etc. Sometimes it can be very broad, but it definitely does not include secular things like work and school (unless you witness at school or something). Everybody needs to have a “ministry” or a “calling”, or so it was implied when I was an evangelical. You weren’t sure if you were really a Christian unless everyone could see your ministry.

    In practice, it is often an excuse to neglect the real work you’re supposed to be doing in order to do something more superficially “holy”. If you want a biblical example, Martha had a “ministry” and Mary was just being spiritually dead.

  36. Aunt Haley December 6, 2011 at 1:15 pm #

    ASDF–
    “Ministry” generally refers to any sort of organized effort to serve the needs of others but with the acknowledgment that it’s ultimately for Christian purposes.

    Consider the following examples:
    – Playing on a church softball team – not a ministry
    – Organizing a church softball team in order to invite unsaved friends and “build bridges” in the community – ministry

    – Attending a Bible study – not a ministry
    – Leading a Bible study – ministry

    – Serving food at a public school’s children’s choir performance – not a ministry
    – Serving food at a church’s children’s choir performance – ministry

    – Personally donating clothes to the Salvation Army – possibly a ministry, but kind of a weak one
    – Organizing a clothes drive to donate to the Salvation Army – ministry

    – Making a crappy movie with vaguely Christian moral lessons – not a ministry
    – Making a crappy movie with explicitly Christian moral lessons – ministry

  37. ASDF December 6, 2011 at 2:13 pm #

    – Making a crappy movie with vaguely Christian moral lessons – not a ministry
    – Making a crappy movie with explicitly Christian moral lessons – ministry

    I always assumed that Veggie Tales were Satan’s work.

  38. y81 December 6, 2011 at 3:54 pm #

    Wayfinder: LOL. Alas, most evangelicals would prefer Martha. In this, as in so many areas, evangelicalism is characterized by the substitution of the world’s values (get to work! be useful!) for the values expressed by the Incarnate God.

  39. flyfreshandyoung December 6, 2011 at 7:21 pm #

    What a terrible story.

    Yeah female friendships can be good, but not if you are really attracted to her. That’s putting yourself through a hell you don’t want to be in. Day in, day out, wanting want you can’t have and pretending that you’re “just friends”.

    Haley, I’m glad you get it.

  40. theprivateman December 6, 2011 at 7:47 pm #

    A savvy fellow who has been stuck in the FriendZone(tm) will test his new friend with this:

    “I understand that you’re not attracted to me in a romantic way. Please introduce me to your single friends.”

    If she does, she’s a real friend.

    If she doesn’t, she’s selfish, emotionally exploitative, and not worthy to be a friend.

  41. van Rooinek December 23, 2011 at 4:10 pm #

    Ready to vomit from the memories…. I made mistakes like this, more times than I can count. Encouraged by the church of course. Guys… ..listen up. All those lunches, long talks, long walks, hanging out, going to a movie “as friends’, blah blah blah — all the time you spend on a chick that has already LJBFd you — is time that you DON’T have, time that you’ve WASTED, that could have been spent either looking for, or courting a chick that’s actually interested! Someone you could actually marry/sleep with/have kids with (hopefully in that proper biblical order).

    Why do men (including my younger self) make this mistake so often? Simply put, we believe that we can “WIN HER OVER”. And really, that’s what the “rejected ” side of an LJBF’d friendship is always trying to do: win her over. Well……guess what. You can’t. It never worked for me, and I never saw it work for anyone else. Heck, I was even on the other side of it a couple of times, dating a girl and then meeting the poor LJBFd “male best friend” who was obviously in love with her and died a thousand deaths inside upon seeing her dating someone else. They, and I, and legions of other poor saps wasted YEARS cultivating a “strong spiritual friendship” with a woman, in hopes that someday she’ll see the light and fall for us. IT NEVER HAPPENS. “He that hath been LJBFed, hath never romance with her, not in this world, nor in the world to come”.

    FIND. ANOTHER. GIRL. IMMEDIATELY.

    And cut down contact with your LJFBer to the minimal amount necessary to carry out your academic or work or ministry responsibilities. If she wants to hang out Friday, night, either say, “Sorry, other plans”… or, if you can manage it, “I have a date”. The one and only thing that MIGHT bring her around is your indifference to her combined with your apparent (or better yet, real) appeal to other women. I repeat, cultivating a deep Christian “friendship” DOES NOT WORK. Jealousy just might.

  42. imnobody December 29, 2011 at 3:26 pm #

    Why do men (including my younger self) make this mistake so often? Simply put, we believe that we can “WIN HER OVER”.

    Agreed. The female equivalent is a woman having sex with an alpha in order to get him to commit.

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  1. [INFP] The (stream of conscious?) venting thread for infps. - December 4, 2011

    […] being an INFP who's rapidly gaining in both self-confidence and maturity is that when people try to buffoonishly conflate emotion with femininity, i know enough to call them out on it. Reply With Quote   + […]

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