Marriage for companionship.

13 Mar

Most advice about marriage in the manosphere revolves around sex, who’s having it, who’s not having it, how to get it, how to get more than you’re getting, and how to get better than you’re getting if you’re getting any at all.  This is understandable since the internet is full of men who are only moderately attractive to women at best but still managed to get married.  (To make this equal opportunity:  the internet is also full of women who are only moderately attractive to men at best and care very much for their cats.)

In comparison, there is a mere pittance of discussion of marriage as a form of companionship.  From reading the manosphere, you’d think that marriage basically boils down to the five minute seal flop.  Which is not to say that sex isn’t an important part of marriage, but most people, even the married, are doing something else during the other 23 hours, 55 minutes of the day.

When you think about it, the older you get, the more necessary it is to be married to have any sort of guaranteed companionship.  Here’s why:

Once people get married, they tend to drop off the face of the planet since 92% of their energy is now being directed into their spouse.  (Make that 99.999% if kids are in the picture.)  So there go all of your married friends.  Then, all of your single friends tend to be desperate, and so if one of your friends is so fortunate as to find someone to date, the special someone eats up the lion’s share of your unmarried friend’s time.  That leaves you with the least sexually attractive friends left in your group, but even those people may have other obligations eating up their time.  Sometimes it’s work, sometimes it’s church or other organizations, sometimes it’s being the free babysitter for all of your married friends’ kids, but I’ve found that often in the case of women, their families eat up their time.  If a girl lives in the same town as her parents, she may spend a lot of time with them.  If a girl lives WITH her parents, you’ll see her once a month, tops.

Additionally, you can’t be friends with a member of the opposite sex.  You can’t be friends with a married person of the opposite sex, because that person’s spouse will become jealous.  You can’t be friends with a single member of the opposite sex, either.  It’ll either get weird because one person has more feelings than the other person, or it’ll die because the one person found someone to date.  Or it’ll get weird because you and the special someone hate each other.  Being friends with members of the same sex leads nowhere.  (Who doesn’t feel pity towards single-sex groups of late 30-somethings/40-somethings when you see them out on a Saturday night dolled up in their best Kohl’s?)

So, ultimately, the only possible recourse for continuous companionship is marriage.

Of course, the wrinkle of marriage is that in order to get the companionship, you have to find someone you could conceivably give the five minute seal flop to with abandon every day for the rest of your life….

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23 Responses to “Marriage for companionship.”

  1. Haast's Eagle March 14, 2012 at 12:36 am #

    Aaarrggghh!!

    There’s no way out

  2. modernguy March 14, 2012 at 1:04 am #

    Socially you want equality but romantically you want dominance. I guess you women got what you wanted, a contradiction. Maybe this is the point in history when women learn to swallow their tongues.

  3. Austin March 14, 2012 at 4:44 am #

    I’ve been married about 6 years and I’ve only recently come to appreciate the companionship aspect of marriage. Well, it’s probably more accurate to say that I’ve taken it for granted until recently.
    My wife is hot. And good in bed. We have fun. But like Haley pointed out above, you spend most of your time doing other things, especially when you have kids. It’s incredibly important to have some companionship since you have very little time and energy for plans with other people. And lets face it, simply meeting other people and sifting out the nitwits is exausting. Cause there are so many nitwits.

  4. Toz March 14, 2012 at 5:01 am #

    This is where the rest of game (teasing, push-pull, etc) become so important. It makes even ordinary interactions a lot more fun and believe me, when you’re changing diapers at 3am or cleaning up throw up, this stuff matters.

    Practice while you’re single. If you’re bored out of your mind when with a friend now, you’re going to be bored out of your mind when you’re married without kids and probably miserable when you’re married with kids.

    Having fun in any situation, that is, being a good companion, is exactly what makes you more attractive. A lot of single people think about how good a companion their potential mates are going to be but think very little about how good a companion they are. If you’re single, that’s where your energy should be going.

  5. imnobody March 14, 2012 at 5:57 am #

    Beautifully put. As a 41 y.o. single man (and a lonely wolf), I can say that this is true.

  6. imnobody March 14, 2012 at 5:57 am #

    I think it was “lone wolf”, wasn’t it. This damn English.

  7. Random Angeleno March 14, 2012 at 8:33 am #

    Just 5 minutes.
    You only like quickies?
    Awwww…. my kinda gal!

    Now about that patio …
    Wait a sec, did I sign up for that?

  8. jack March 14, 2012 at 8:49 am #

    She also has to be able to balance a beach ball on her nose at the same time.

    And clap her flippers.

  9. Herbie March 14, 2012 at 10:38 am #

    Five minutes, huh. Is that with or without the foreplay? Is the “seal flop” a new technique? Maybe Sea World can help me out on this one.

  10. Crank March 14, 2012 at 5:32 pm #

    “In comparison, there is a mere pittance of discussion of marriage as a form of companionship. From reading the manosphere, you’d think that marriage basically boils down to the five minute seal flop. Which is not to say that sex isn’t an important part of marriage, but most people, even the married, are doing something else during the other 23 hours, 55 minutes of the day.”

    Hopefully, more like 23 hours and 40 minutes or less. Either way, that 23+ hours, including the campanionship part, is much easier and more enjoyable if you’re not frustrated about not getting to bust a nut often enough. To say nothing of the bonding that occurs during those 20 minutes, give or take.

  11. Jennifer Corry (@Whitespirit26) March 14, 2012 at 7:29 pm #

    Haley, what is this about having to be logged in to comment here? I’m not friendly with either giving WordPress authorization over my tweets, FB, or putting my last name here.

  12. Doc March 14, 2012 at 7:30 pm #

    Screw that… If I want companionship I’ll get a dog.. I want a woman for one thing and it certainly isn’t companionship – I may put up with her for a while to get what I ultimately want, but that’s about it… As far as marriage – heck, nothing is worth saddling yourself with that albatross…

    I enjoy my life too much to have to carry around a dead-weight called a wife who is going to put me in an early grave. No thank you… I enjoy the thrill of a new woman’s body too much to ever settle for left-overs for the rest of my life…

  13. jz March 15, 2012 at 8:59 am #

    @Haley,
    the frequency with which you denigrate Kohl’s shoppers reveals that you have experienced financial insecurity in your life. and are still scarred by it. Is that the case?

  14. Smithborough March 15, 2012 at 1:38 pm #

    What is Kohl’s? (for those of us outside the US).

  15. Aunt Haley March 15, 2012 at 10:16 pm #

    jz–
    the frequency with which you denigrate Kohl’s shoppers reveals that you have experienced financial insecurity in your life. and are still scarred by it. Is that the case?

    I think I need to add a Kohl’s tag to this blog.

    Smithborough–
    What is Kohl’s? (for those of us outside the US).

    This.

    Jennifer Corry–
    Haley, what is this about having to be logged in to comment here? I’m not friendly with either giving WordPress authorization over my tweets, FB, or putting my last name here.

    Liar, liar, pants on fire.

    Doc–
    I enjoy my life too much to have to carry around a dead-weight called a wife who is going to put me in an early grave.

    Something tells me you won’t ever have to worry about that problem.

    Crank–
    Hopefully, more like 23 hours and 40 minutes or less.

    Twenty-minute seal flops do exist.

  16. Jennifer Corry (@Whitespirit26) March 16, 2012 at 10:21 am #

    Ha ha, but that’s not a helpful answer, Haley. Do you know anything about this annoying new policy?

  17. Haast's Eagle March 17, 2012 at 2:23 am #

    “Screw that… If I want companionship I’ll get a dog..”

    Hmm forgot about the pet option.

    I am 20 and marriage doesn’t seem very appealing to me.

    Having to look after a wife and kids in these crazy times anyways,
    as well as all the divorce and everything so it can be all ruined.

    “Yeah, well if he gets his Game up enough – that won’t happen”

    Pfft to that kind of talk – taking that kind of gamble

  18. g2-c99b446c13a5e9761c87b255bc7606b6 March 18, 2012 at 3:10 pm #

    And I thought the 7 minute average sounded pathetic! I feel like a sexual god every time I read that sort of thing.

    This post is overall very true. I sometimes I’d loved my last serious lady enough to marry her. We were very comfortable companions. We could talk or not talk while spending an evening in her apartment or whatever and it didn’t matter. We were just there, together. And it was truly nice.

  19. mmaier2112@sbcglobal.net March 18, 2012 at 3:11 pm #

    What the heck happened there?

  20. Dalrock April 1, 2012 at 11:24 am #

    I think you are right Haley in that companionship isn’t referenced as much as it should be. However, I think Toz has it right that the dynamic of the relationship has much to do with the value of the companionship. The 3:00 AM part is especially insightful, as my wife and I have surprisingly fond memories of tag teaming parental events at that time of day which others would no doubt cringe about. Life is to both of us often quite funny, and I’m fortunate that she both appreciates and shares my sense of humor.

    I also agree with you that a husband is very likely a woman’s best chance at a true best friend. I’ve written about this on my own blog. Women’s friendships don’t tend to work out the way they do in the movies, and as you point out intra sex friendships, especially very close intra sex friendships are a romp through a minefield.

    What I think you are discounting however is the extent to which a woman not being sexually attracted to her husband will influence the dynamic of the companionship aspect. A wife refusing her husband sex is a very powerful and deep form of rejection. She is in a very deep way telling him she doesn’t love him. Athol Kay explains the psychological reasons for this. In our culture it is an unquestioned belief that wives should not be expected to have sex with their husbands unless “in the mood”. This can be a problem even in cases where the wife is generally attracted to the husband, but strikes me as a recipie for disaster if the wife wasn’t truly attracted to the husband at the time of marriage. Periodic “wifely duty” sex is one thing, a lifetime of regular wifely duty sex strikes me as something neither the wife nor her husband can be truly prepared for. The only other options in the case where the wife isn’t truly attracted to her husband is a lifetime of signifigant bouts of denial of sex, or frivolous divorce with or without her manipulating her husband into taking the moral fall. None one of these paves the way for the kind of companionship you are writing about.

    I think Paul had this right. Only those who burn with passion for each other should marry.

  21. Jennifer April 1, 2012 at 11:33 am #

    Totally agree on that, Dalrock.

  22. Strong Man April 15, 2012 at 1:25 pm #

    Companionship is one very important aspect of marriage, but it’s not the uniquely defining aspect of marriage. Sex is. For the committed Christian, it’s the one thing you do with your wife but no one else.

    Plus, the companionship part is pretty hugely promoted lots of places–it doesn’t need additional boosting.

    If the sex isn’t there, the companionship won’t be, or at best the companionship is redundant. There are much easier ways to get companionship.

    There are other things people work hard for just to get a few seconds reward. Think of the world of sports for example.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Married people and their lack of interaction with singles | Happolati's Miscellany - April 4, 2012

    […] Marriage for companionship Once people get married, they tend to drop off the face of the planet since 92% of their energy is now being directed into their spouse.  (Make that 99.999% if kids are in the picture.)  So there go all of your married friends.  Then, all of your single friends tend to be desperate, and so if one of your friends is so fortunate as to find someone to date, the special someone eats up the lion’s share of your unmarried friend’s time.  That leaves you with the least sexually attractive friends left in your group, but even those people may have other obligations eating up their time.  Sometimes it’s work, sometimes it’s church or other organizations, sometimes it’s being the free babysitter for all of your married friends’ kids, but I’ve found that often in the case of women, their families eat up their time.  If a girl lives in the same town as her parents, she may spend a lot of time with them.  If a girl lives WITH her parents, you’ll see her once a month, tops. […]

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