I was talking on the phone with my mom this afternoon, and she told me that there is an older widower at church who is trying to find an older widow to date. He’s attempting the classic (and futile) church guy game plan of approaching each widow, one by one, until he can find someone who will accept. All the widows know about this, so that’s a big pre-UNselection minus. Worse, he has a poor reputation and since he has been in the church for a long time, everyone knows what his problems are. So that’s even exponentially worse pre-UNselection.
I suggested that this guy find another church, but then again, the evangelical church community in my hometown isn’t so big that word about him still wouldn’t get around. My mom, knowing that this guy spends part of the year in Florida, suggested that he might have better luck there because nobody would know him. Ouch.
The other bad thing about old widower game is that the older widower must also compete against the memories of all of the widows’ late husbands – men who married their wives when the wives were very young, were often the women’s first major loves, and who were the fathers of the women’s children. That can be a really tough act to follow. Plus, if the first husband did things right financially, the widow will have no economic incentive to remarry, either.
Bottom line: Game is for all seasons.
Haley's Halo 
— and since he has been in the church for a long time, everyone knows what his problems are. So that’s even exponentially worse pre-UNselection.—
Wow. So if they didn’t know what his “problems” were, then they *would* go out with him? He’d still actually have those problems, but the women wouldn’t know about them, so they therefore might be attracted to him? At their advanced age, why should they care if a man has problems? What, are they worried he won’t be able to provide for their children?
This is depressing.
Forget game-is-for-all-seasons. This is more like Hypergamy is for all seasons. (Then again, maybe the two concepts are related….)
“So if they didn’t know what his “problems” were, then they *would* go out with him? He’d still actually have those problems, but the women wouldn’t know about them, so they therefore might be attracted to him?”
Hm… depends on what his “problems” are. If his main problem is that he’s been “unselected” at this church, then he may be able to find success at a different church where the “unselection” wouldn’t hurt him.
I’d advise these women to hold out. Surely, there will be a better widower coming along next.
“Forget game-is-for-all-seasons. This is more like Hypergamy is for all seasons. (Then again, maybe the two concepts are related….)”
If he had game, those problems wouldn’t matter. Like younger women dating a bad-boy biker (to a much lesser degree), no matter how many poisonous traits he has that you point out to her, it’s impossible to logically talk her out of her “love” for him. Depending on the degree the widows want to remarry, with sufficient game he can make his problems a non-issue.
I wish Haley would give us a little more detail. What are the guy’s “problems” that make him unattractive? Evidently, he was attractive enough to snag a first wife, and he has enough money to maintain two homes, so it’s not obvious.
Unusually, both my grandfathers and my father outlived their wives. My resulting observation suggests that mathematics conquers all. Given the sex ratios at those ages, I would have said that, absent penury or severe health problems, no aged widower need lack for female companionship.
He’s attempting the classic (and futile) church guy game plan of approaching each widow, one by one, until he can find someone who will accept.
If you’re a normal guy, just with no game, this actually does kinda work, if all you want is a normal but not terribly attractive girl. It is far from the optimal strategy though.
If he had game, those problems wouldn’t matter.
Well, yeah. Just like the crazy hot chick who doesn’t go lacking for boyfriends. Attractiveness covers a multitude of sins.
On the other hand, if he didn’t have these “problems,” wasn’t too too obvious about it, and wasn’t too picky about looks, playing the numbers game isn’t a bad strategy.
It is interesting about how differently older women respond to losing a spouse. There are some who can’t stand to be without a man, and just have to jump back into the market. Others are like how Haley has described them: satisfied that they have fulfilled their imperative in life and will only get together with someone again if the offer is too good to refuse.
Turned onto your blog from MMSL. I agree, the guy needs to seek a new environment in which to pursue a relationship. A bad rep can ruin a guy’s chances. Are there any ballroom dance classes in town (assuming his legs aren’t messed up). I met my last two girlfriends that way (albeit, I was a college student). Also sounds like he needs to spend some time on improving himself so he can attract someone. (Turn him on to some game websites, or buy him a book so he can take the red pill and be aware of what he’s up against).
So Haley, say you are old widower (who has not blown his chances by pursuing wrong-headed Churchianity-backed strategy for finding a spouse). What do you do to achieve your objective, given the unfavorable environment you described in the post?
Approaching all of the woman one at a time like that really is a disasterous way to go about it. He is just oozing neediness. On top of that, from what I’ve seen widows seem more content to remain single than divorcees and never marrieds. They don’t need to prove male investment to validate their past choices.
Excellent way of putting it, Dalrock. They don’t need the validation.
The real problem with openly approaching all the available targets one-at-a-time is that everyone assumes the approacher is starting at the top of the list of who he thinks is most attractive and working his way down. So those that come later in the process are insulted and are more likely to say no.
y81: “Given the sex ratios at those ages, I would have said that, absent penury or severe health problems, no aged widower need lack for female companionship.”
I don’t know about that. A great many old — and even not so old — women who have lost their husbands are truly finished with that sort of thing. Once they have lost the lover of their youth and the father of their children they have absolutely no interest in new romance (or anything else) with another man.
Obviously this is not true of all widows. Still, this particular gent seems to fail inasmuch as he “approaches each widow, one by one, until he can find someone who will accept” rather than finding a woman he actually likes.
Verdict: With time and persistence, this dude with probably find what he seeks (someone to take care of him?) given the numbers, obvious lack of discrimination, and tenacity.
Once they have lost the lover of their youth and the father of their children they have absolutely no interest in new romance (or anything else) with another man.
I’ve often said that my husband is it for me, so I can relate to Mark’s comment. I don’t know if I’m unique in that or not, but it certainly seems plausible.Of course, I’m head over heels, impractical as that is these days when choosing a mate.
I would imagine that the inclination to stay single after widowhood might depend at least somewhat on the quality of the marriage.