Obviously, as a Christian, I believe that sex should be reserved only for marriage, but since I operate in a corner of the internet that isn’t exclusively Christian, I figure it’s worth talking about why premarital sex is such a bad deal for women overall. This is not to say that some women haven’t put out and ended up in good marriages anyway. It’s more that if you look at society as a whole, it’s a bad thing. It’s worth pointing out that the manosphere seems mainly geared toward upper-middle and upper-class (white beta) men (if not in raw income, then at least in education/social class/taste), and so a lot of advice is filtered through those lenses. Many social pathologies have not (yet?) come to the upper echelons of society because of money and a stronger adherence to traditional social strictures.
The basic gist that I see all over the place is that women should have a low partner count but should put out for guys they’re serious about who could also be husband material. The problem is that the same guys who advocate this strategy also believe that women have no control over their hamsters and will be ~forever ruined~ for marriage by sex with an alpha. So basically, they are advising women to be crazed sex freaks only with betas. This sexual performance will prove to the man that the woman is a good bet for marriage. So somehow women are tasked with finding betas to treat like alphas within, like, three tries, lest they be branded for eternity as ruined slags who will cheat cheat cheat cheat cheat cheat cheat and make you raise someone else’s secret baby. Also, they need to divine the man’s fitness for marriage within 3-5 dates – so within 12-20 hours of time spent with the guy, approximately. This is because no self-respecting man is going to waste time on a chick who won’t put out.
This “strategy” seems like no strategy at all. Men are banking on the premise that the two guys who came before him were horrible at sex, but she had significant relationships with them anyway (because only big ol’ whores would have one night stands or flings). Women are banking on the much riskier premise that she will find someone who is willing to commit to her in marriage within three tries that she can also be a crazed sex freak for for the rest of her life. It’s like playing Super Mario Bros. with three lives and you have to get to the flagpole before you die three times or time runs out. Also, I feel like there is a presumption that the girl is always the one ending relationships, because what guy would dump a “nice” girl who is a crazed sex freak only with him, right? But girls get dumped all the time, and not just by alphas. Every girl, if it hasn’t happened to herself, knows girls who in good faith entered into dating relationships that ended in getting dumped for whatever reason. The guy just stopped being attracted, the guy decided he wanted something else, the guy decided it wasn’t working out – even if the guy had also declared his love, talked about a future/marriage, often went the extra mile.
So what does a girl gain from a failed sexual relationship? Nothing. The guy gets sex and an ego/status boost. The girl just loses time and gains a notch that will work against her chances of getting another marriageable guy, because guys don’t care so much about the quality of the relationship, they just care about the number. She can also then expect the next guy to expect her to do everything sexually for him that she did for the previous guy, unless she lands a suuuper beta with a forgiving heart. But landing a suuuper beta with a forgiving heart makes it even harder for the girl to be a crazed sex freak for him, so it’s just a downward spiral with no end.
It’s just a very bad strategy.
Recently conservative comedian/commentator Steven Crowder got married, and both he and his bride were virgins on the wedding day. He recounted in a subsequent op-ed that he thought their wedding night was “perfect” and “nothing short of amazing. ” Whatever kind of sex they had that night was surely not perfect or amazing by experienced sexing standards, but by coming to marriage as virgins, Crowder and his wife got to have a wedding night that they could consider perfect and amazing and that will remain a cherished memory. More interestingly, the next day he and his wife were eating breakfast and they overheard another newlywed discussing her new marriage and opining that “nothing’s really changed.” (Also, the groom had gotten so wasted at the reception that he wasn’t even eating breakfast with his new wife.) Presumably this woman had cohabited with her now-husband and had used up all the perfect and amazing sex of new love long before her wedding night. It made me sad to read about it. At the one table were Crowder and his bride giddy with the freshness of lives newly entwined, while at the other table were people who had been there, done that so long ago that the marriage was hardly registering with them. And people wonder where romance went and why marriages don’t last…but darn it, they got the receipts from premarital sex!
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