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The new “I have a boyfriend.”

2 May

Everybody knows that women who don’t want to be bothered by men often use “I have a boyfriend” as a deterrent.  The scenario usually goes thusly:

GUY:  Yo, we should hang out sometime in a sexual way. (paraphrasing)

UNINTERESTED GIRL:  I have a boyfriend.  (usually prefaced by “uh” if she doesn’t like you, and “I’m sorry” if she’s trying to let you down gently)

GUY:  Oh, my bad.  (goes home to chronicle failure in blog)

Whether or not the girl actually has a boyfriend is beside the point.  Etiquette dictates that trying to steal someone who is taken (if not legally so) is rude, and so the excuse usually works.

However, thanks to Game, many men now consider “I have a boyfriend” to be a shit test.  The logic behind this assumption is that the woman will forget about her boyfriend if a more alpha male comes around, so the man should be that alpha male if he wants to make time.  Fair enough.  Boyfriends don’t incur any legal obligation of loyalty.

This got me thinking, though…if “I have a boyfriend” no longer commands the same social sway that it once did, then what new excuse can a woman use to politely get rid of unwanted swains?  (“I have to wash my hair” is the “Shout to the Lord” of excuses, i.e., just a little too obvious of a go-to.)

Well, recent comments left on this blog indicated that a woman who dated multiple men concurrently was “undeniably slutty” and unable to be satisfied by one man.  So, in light of that information, maybe the new “I have a boyfriend” should be “I have three boyfriends.”

GUY:  Yo, we should hang out sometime in a sexual way.

UNINTERESTED GIRL:  I have three boyfriends.

GUY:  WHAT OMG WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE  (runs away to denounce modern women in blog)

Of course, a woman deploying this technique would have to make sure the situation didn’t backfire on her:

GUY:  Yo, we should hang out sometime in a sexual way.

UNINTERESTED GIRL:  I have three boyfriends.


UNINTERESTED GIRL:  $*#@!!….um, I just remembered, I have to wash my hair.  (runs away to remind girlfriends that men are pigs)

Alternative suggestions:

GUY:  Yo, we should hang out sometime in a sexual way.

UNINTERESTED GIRL:  My dog/grandma/parakeet named Bill just died.


GUY:  Yo, we should hang out sometime in a sexual way.

UNINTERESTED GIRL:  I’m attending my son’s figure skating competition.  The tassels on his costume are amazing.


GUY:  Yo, we should hang out sometime in a sexual way.

UNINTERESTED GIRL:  Okay, but I have to warn you…I didn’t shave my chest this morning.

It’s up to you.  Pick your poison.

Alpha Christian dating.

19 Apr

I feel like I’ve been reading a lot on game blogs lately how important it is to push a girl further sexually than she professes to want to go.  The M.O. is basically that of “she’ll have sex with you if you push, then back off, then push harder.”  And it obviously works, if the stories being recounted in the comments are true.  Of course, these successes tend to occur when the woman puts herself in an already compromising position – she’s looking for sex but doesn’t want to admit it (in case the man turns out to be a beta), she’s drunk, or she’s at his apartment late at night just for the naked but chaste cuddles in his bed.

Christian dating, or at least the ideal of Christian dating, is the polar opposite of these scenarios.  Men are typically urged to acquiesce to whatever the woman wants, except in the case of sex, in which case the man should “man up” and draw a big chastity line in the sand.  If women are the gatekeepers, then men should be the gatekeepers’ keepers (in a kindly, protective, safekeeping way, not in an evil, domineering way).  I think this attitude springs from the idea that women are naturally more moral and sexually reticent than men, yet women are also naturally very susceptible to pressure to put out.  Because women are more moral, it is men’s duty to support women’s superior morality, lest the woman become immoral.  It’s all a part of being a leader and manning up and being intentional.

So if Christian men are enjoined from sex or any physical escalation that the woman claims not to want, and Christian men are not to take advantage of alcohol, a bar setting, sexual innuendo, and being alone with a woman in his or her home, then how can a Christian man impress a woman with his alpha bona fides?

I’m sure that if you posed this question to the Boundless types, they would scoff at the idea that a real man even needs alcohol et al. to accomplish his mission.  Real men impress through their superior character and leadership skills!  But how do you do that when you have none of the common cultural tools in your chest?  Here are the most common ones:

  • Join the church band/be a worship leader.  Playing an instrument is always a DHV.  Guitar is the most common, but if you’re good at the piano or keyboard, even better.  Plus, you’re just more visible to more women.  (DLV:  working the sound board or the PowerPoint slides.)
  • Teach Sunday School or work with the youth group.  Many Christian women start feeling their ovaries quiver when they encounter a man who’s good with kids and wants to teach them the faith.  However, make sure that your bonding with kids is over cool stuff, like sports, music, or rough-and-tumble play, and not, say, Star Trek.
  • Go on a foreign missions trip.  Missions trips are very quick ways to prove your Christian bona fides, but make sure that you have a good story to tell when you get back, preferably if it includes some sort of Providential intervention.  (In such cases, it is okay to cry when talking about your experience.  Africa changed you.)
  • Join a small group.  You’re not just a Sunday Christian, and you desire the intimacy and learning that a small group affords.
  • Pray out loud in group settings.  Possibly the ultimate DHV.  Offer to bless the meal.  Offer to close.  Be the first to jump in with the popcorn prayer.  Just don’t fall into the habit of following a script, or say “Lord” or “Father” every five words.
  • Lead social gospel outings.  Be the point person for the soup kitchen, or the clean-up trip, or the day at Habitat for Humanity, or ministering at Skid Row, or cause du jour is.  And be organized.  It’s no good to lead if you’re terrible at administration and planning ahead.

Generally speaking, Christian women – at least those brought up in church culture – are highly attuned to displays of visible, acknowledged leadership.  It’s not always enough to be the alpha of your clique of friends.  Then again, in a church setting, it’s hard to be the alpha of your clique if you’re not doing at least one of the above.

If you happen to score a first date with a GCG (Good Christian Girl), the best default game plan is to play the part of a gentleman.  Open doors, pull the seat out for her, grab the check before it burns a hole in the tablecloth, compliment her outfit (“I like your dress” is fine, but “you look gorgeous” is a little too much, too soon), pray over the meal, don’t order alcohol, and DON’T TAKE HER TO A BAR.  Much of the time, a GCG, especially if she has already graduated from college, is screening for husband (and future father) candidates, which means she expects to be treated like a lady.  If you fail in this department, I can almost guarantee that her friends will deem you unworthy in the inevitable post-game analysis.  If you fail and she likes caddishness, then she’s probably not a true GCG, even if her dad is a deacon, a pastor, a missionary, or an elder.  Oftentimes PKs and MKs are the worst of all, because they get off on rebelling.

At the end of the date, don’t go for the kiss.  Don’t even try.  The only girls who will hold it against you are the ones who are used to cads pushing for more.  Be different and DHV yourself.  Plus, with a GCG, it’s better to let her hamster run for a month or two, or even longer, wondering why you won’t kiss her, than to try too early and confirm that all you want is sex.  Women love the anticipation and the angst of not knowing when they can be treated to your puckered lips.  (However, they should feel relatively assured that it will happen at some point.)

Above all, TREAT EVERY WOMAN AS IF SHE WERE A 10.  This goes for old ladies, fat girls, plain girls, and whatever else isn’t your type.  If you get a reputation for only being nice and friendly to the hotties, it will take a lot to scrub “shallow” and “insincere” from your record.  Jesus loves the plain girls just as much as He loves the hot ones, so you should, too.  Being genuinely nice to the unlovelies is a huge DHV.

Most women don’t notice most men.

11 Apr

I feel like men in the manosphere often get cranky because women don’t notice them.  “I’m a good man, I want commitment, I have a good job, and I’m not a jerk,” they say – as if these qualities alone naturally draw women’s attention.  (Then there’s a lot of bluffing about asshole game, moving to Thailand or Brazil, and never getting married.)  The consensus seems to be that women go around intentionally ignoring men who don’t meet their 463-point checklist.  Foul wenches!

Truthfully, most of the time, most women don’t notice most men, and it’s not any grand feminine conspiracy.  It’s just how women are wired.  Women aren’t primarily visual, and so unless the man immediately pings on her physical attraction scale, or he does something (alpha) to attract her attention, he’s just not going to register.  And because most men are not all that physically impressive, and most men don’t ever approach women, most men are going to be passively ignored by women going about their daily activities.  It doesn’t mean that women are not amenable to being opened; it just means that women are not usually on alert for the opportunity.

The situation is different, obviously, in social situations designed to put men and women in each other’s company for the express purpose of (potentially romantic) mingling:  bars and clubs, meetup groups, church mixers, matchmaking ambushes.  In these situations, women are usually putting forth extra effort to look good themselves, and they will be much more aware of every male in their surroundings (some more than others, but there is a much greater active awareness than usual).  Also, men will tend to put more effort into their appearances in these situations, which greatly helps their ability to get noticed.

The bottom line, I suppose, is that if men want to get noticed more, they need to distinguish themselves in some way, either through physical appearance (better physique, better clothes, better hair, better accessories), or through approaching with confidence and humor.  If you dress like you shop at Kohl’s and get your hair done at Super Cuts, you have muscle tone like Jell-O, and you never try to talk to any women, and still complain that your good job isn’t turning you into the new Don Draper**, then it’s probably time to rethink your strategy.

**I just finished watching season 4 of Mad Men.  How is it possible that Don Draper is not suffering from a loathsome disease?  …Well, at least that we know of.  Although I doubt that “Don Draper’s got the herp!” is going to be a storyline any time soon.

If you were a swagger coach: bassoon quartet edition.

3 Apr

This is the most purely nerdy thing I have ever seen on the internet.  (Pure nerdiness lacks the repulsive desperation/shame factor commonly associated with nerds.)  I encourage everyone to watch the video, but if you don’t, this is what it contains:  a bassoon quartet playing selections of score from the Super Mario Bros. video game series.  This video is special because pretty much every aspect is nerdy to the hilt.  To wit:

  • Bassoon quartet.  You have to be a very dedicated band geek to play the bassoon, because bassoons are not cheap.
  • The music is from a series of video games, which someone obviously had to take the time to select and arrange.
  • I didn’t realize until the musicians stood up to take their bows that the blonde on the left is female.
  • Everyone in the quartet is wearing glasses.
  • Everyone in the quartet has a dorky haircut.
  • The Asian in the back stops playing and beatboxes unironically at two different times and occasionally makes sound effects noises.
  • Everyone is wearing the same custom shirt, which features four bassoons and which I assume is their group outfit.
  • Everyone is wearing stone-washed jeans that look like they came straight out of 1996.

If you were a swagger coach and were hired to prep these kids for a night of sarging cheerleaders, what would you advise?

Game With the Wind.

21 Mar

I’ve been re-reading Gone With the Wind lately, and there is no character in literature more skilled at the neg than Rhett Butler.  Given that Rhett is dealing with one of the most self-absorbed and vain females in all of literature, his frame is (and must be, by necessity) concrete and the negs are fairly charged.  However, Rhett’s negs succeed because (a) he is able to deliver them with charm and humor, and (b) he never breaks frame.  He never backpedals or apologizes, but he never crosses the line into bitter insult.  Here is a good example from early in the novel, when Scarlett discovers that Rhett has overheard her conversation with Ashley in the library and witnessed her throwing a vase against the wall in rage.

“Sir,” she said, “you are no gentleman!”

“An apt observation,” he answered airily. “And, you, Miss, are no lady.” He seemed to find her very amusing, for he laughed softly again. “No one can remain a lady after saying and doing what I have just overheard. However, ladies have seldom held any charms for me. I know what they are thinking, but they never have the courage or lack of breeding to say what they think. And that, in time, becomes a bore. But you, my dear Miss O’Hara, are a girl of rare spirit, very admirable spirit, and I take off my hat to you. I fail to understand what charms the elegant Mr. Wilkes can hold for a girl of your tempestuous nature. He should thank God on bended knee for a girl with your–how did he put it?–‘passion for living,’ but being a poor-spirited wretch–”

“You aren’t fit to wipe his boots!” she shouted in rage.

“And you were going to hate him all your life!” He sank down on the sofa and she heard him laughing.

Scarlett’s accusation that Rhett is no gentleman is a classic shit test designed to make Rhett apologize for his behavior and establish Scarlett’s control of their encounter.  But instead of behaving like a gentleman, Rhett agrees and then drops the neg:  in the form of a compliment, he congratulates Scarlett on a poor quality – not being a lady.  He also AMOGs Ashley.

Negging, often in combination with Agree and Amplify, is a strategy that Rhett uses continually against Scarlett’s shit tests, which she doles out with regularity on account of his impudence.  That she cannot control him both infuriates and excites her.  Especially worth noting is that Rhett’s negs are often not upfront; he works them in as asides, or they are implied due to word choice and tone.  The following passage from chapter 17 demonstrates a barrage of game. My comments are bolded in brackets.

“…Never pass up new experiences, Scarlett. They enrich the mind.” [Neg.  Subtext: “Your mind needs enriching.”]

“My mind’s rich enough.” [Qualifying herself.]

“Perhaps you know best about that, but I should say– But that would be ungallant. And perhaps, I’m staying here to rescue you when the siege does come. I’ve never rescued a maiden in distress. That would be a new experience, too.”  [Neg.  Subtext:  “You’re helpless.”]

She knew he was teasing her but she sensed a seriousness behind his words. She tossed her head.

“I won’t need you to rescue me. I can take care of myself, thank you.” [Qualifying herself.]

“Don’t say that, Scarlett! Think of it, if you like, but never, never say it to a man. That’s the trouble with Yankee girls. They’d be most charming if they weren’t always telling you that they can take care of themselves, thank you. Generally they are telling the truth, God help them. And so men let them take care of themselves.” [Neg.  Comparing her to unfeminine women.]

“How you do run on,” she said coldly, for there was no insult worse than being likened to a Yankee girl. “I believe you’re lying about a siege. You know the Yankees will never get to Atlanta.” [Shit test.]

“I’ll bet you they will be here within the month. [Agree and amplify.] I’ll bet you a box of bonbons against–” His dark eyes wandered to her lips. “Against a kiss.”

For a last brief moment, fear of a Yankee invasion clutched her heart but at the word “kiss,” she forgot about it. This was familiar ground and far more interesting than military operations. With difficulty she restrained a smile of glee. Since the day when he gave her the green bonnet, Rhett had made no advances which could in any way be construed as those of a lover. He could never be inveigled into personal conversations, try though she might, but now with no angling on her part, he was talking about kissing. [Rhett always controls the frame with Scarlett.]

“I don’t care for such personal conversation,” she said coolly and managed a frown. “Besides, I’d just as soon kiss a pig.” [Shit test.]

“There’s no accounting for tastes and I’ve always heard the Irish were partial to pigs–kept them under their beds, in fact. [Agree and amplify in combination with a neg.] But, Scarlett, you need kissing badly. That’s what’s wrong with you. All your beaux have respected you too much, though God knows why, or they have been too afraid of you to really do right by you. [AMOG in combination with a neg.] The result is that you are unendurably uppity. You should be kissed and by someone who knows how.” [Neg.]

The conversation was not going the way she wanted it. It never did when she was with him. Always, it was a duel in which she was worsted.

“And I suppose you think you are the proper person?” she asked with sarcasm, holding her temper in check with difficulty. [Shit test.]

“Oh, yes, if I cared to take the trouble,” he said carelessly. “They say I kiss very well.” [Agree and amplify.]

“Oh,” she began, indignant at the slight to her charms. “Why, you . . .” But her eyes fell in sudden confusion. He was smiling, but in the dark depths of his eyes a tiny light flickered for a brief moment, like a small raw flame. “Of course, you’ve probably wondered why I never tried to follow up that chaste peck I gave you, the day I brought you that bonnet–” [Neg.]

“I have never–” [Qualifying herself.]

“Then you aren’t a nice girl, Scarlett, and I’m sorry to hear it. All really nice girls wonder when men don’t try to kiss them. They know they shouldn’t want them to and they know they must act insulted if they do, but just the same, they wish the men would try. . . . Well, my dear, take heart. Some day, I will kiss you and you will like it. But not now, so I beg you not to be too impatient.” [Neg, Neg, Neg.  Also, all girls want men to put the moves on them.]

She knew he was teasing but, as always, his teasing maddened her. There was always too much truth in the things he said. Well, this finished him. If ever, ever he should be so ill bred as to try to take any liberties with her, she would show him. [Hamster alert.]

“Will you kindly turn the horse around, Captain Butler? I wish to go back to the hospital.”

“Do you indeed, my ministering angel? Then lice and slops are preferable to my conversation? Well, far be it from me to keep a pair of willing hands from laboring for Our Glorious Cause.” [Neg, neg, neg.] He turned the horse’s head and they started back toward Five Points.

“As to why I have made no further advances,” he pursued blandly, as though she had not signified that the conversation was at an end, [controlling the frame] “I’m waiting for you to grow up a little more. You see, it wouldn’t be much fun for me to kiss you now and I’m quite selfish about my pleasures. I never fancied kissing children.” [Mega neg!]

He smothered a grin, as from the corner of his eye he saw her bosom heave with silent wrath.

When broken down, it’s easy to see that the male-female dynamic is that of alternating shit tests and either negs or agree/amplify.  In order to control the frame, the man can never submit to a shit test and – this is key – he should always view the shit test with some amusement.  Without a dose of humor and amusement, a man’s attempted negs will seem mean-spirited and/or defensive or – worse – clumsy.

It’s worth noting that Rhett’s industrial-strength game is probably too much for the average joe running day game or church game.  The strength of Rhett’s game was made necessary by the enormity of Scarlett’s ego and vanity.  Most men will not meet such a foe on the battleground of dating and mating.  Then again, the characters of the novel were constrained by the social mores of their time, and Scarlett, no matter how enraged she became at Rhett, never insulted him the way women today are prone to insult men.  So maybe industrial strength game should at least be in every man’s arsenal, should he need to use it.

One other somewhat unrelated note:  Kids LOVE negs.  Pretty much the fastest way to a child’s heart is to neg them with gleeful abandon.  Telling a kid (playfully) that you don’t believe whatever they’re telling you, and they will start qualifying themselves until they’re blue in the face.  Playfully insult their hero, and you will blow their mind.  (Of course, you have to be careful with this or you’ll end up with a sobbing child.)  When I used to work at a tutoring center, one of my students was in love with Nick Jonas from the Jonas Brothers.  So I took it upon myself to insult Nick Jonas constantly.  (“Nick Jonas isn’t cute.  He has squinty eyes.”  “Isn’t Nick Jonas younger than you?  You’re a cradle robber!”  “You call that singing?!” “Hi, Mrs. Jonas, what algebra homework do you have today?”)  But I knew that my student enjoyed having me as her tutor.  Done properly, kids, especially younger ones, will come back and practically beg for repeated negging.  That’s how you know they love and respect you.


Amanginican Idol.

17 Mar

American Idol has had its share of effeminate and (secretly, or not-so-secretly) gay male contestants in the past, but this season’s Paul McDonald is the height of effete indie SWPLism.  Is there anything about his performance that projects strength, determination, gravitas, control, command, or power?  All I see is some guy with a wispy voice traipsing around the stage like he’s afflicted with a muscle control disease and not caring that he’s presenting himself this way because this probably passes for “cool” in his music circle.

Here he is from last night, singing “I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Blues.”

Defenders might posit that Paul’s not caring how he comes across actually makes him alpha, but that usually requires either a certain amount of self-awareness and IDGAF-ism, or so much ripe masculinity that it can’t be denied.  Paul, on the other hand, seems to be laboring under the delusion that what he is doing is charming and cool, a delusion that is likely buoyed by the alpha attractors of being in a band prior to the show and now being famous thanks to television.  Whatever masculine personal traits Paul may possess disappear when he gets on that stage to perform.

Unfortunately for me, there are some worse contestants who need to get voted off before Paul, and the largely female, middle-aged voting base has a greater tolerance for male contestants than female (I know, what a surprise), so I expect Paul to live to sing for at least a few more weeks.

Other related thoughts:

The show is deeply feeling the loss of uber-alpha Simon Cowell.  Steven Tyler is useless on these live performance nights, and Randy Jackson lacks the swagger to pull off meaningful criticism.  And from a performance standpoint, Cowell was just better at delivering a sharp, 30-second critique in the heat of the moment.  They really should have gotten another music executive for the panel, someone who knows what qualities a performer will need to survive in the pop world, rather than going for two celebrity performers loath to judge the contestants because they feel too much empathy for them.

Taylor Swift can teach you about romance.

11 Mar

Of all the popstresses on the radio these days, none captures the girlish heart (and hamster) better than Taylor Swift, probably because she’s only 21 and writes all of her own music.  Her song “Fearless” greatly reminded me of Point IX in Roissy’s ever-so-tastefully named “Sixteen Commandments of Poon“:

IX. Connect with her emotions

Set yourself apart from other men and connect with a woman’s emotional landscape. Her mind is an alien world that requires deft navigation to reach your rendevous. Frolic in the surf of emotions rather than the arid desert of logic. Be playful. Employ all your senses. Describe in lush detail scenarios to set her heart afire. Give your feelings freedom to roam. ROAM. Yes, that is a good word. You’re not on a linear path with her. You are ROAMING all over, taking her on an adventure. In this world, there is no need to finish thoughts or draw conclusions. There is only need to EXPERIENCE. You’re grabbing her hand and running with her down an infinite, labyrinthine alleyway with no end, laughing and letting your fingers glide on the cobblestone walls along the way.

“Fearless” is all about a girl falling in love with an alpha who takes her for a drive in his car after it has rained, but the emotions Swift describes are right out of this Roissy post.  Sample lyrics:

We’re drivin’ down the road
I wonder if you know
I’m tryin’ so hard not to get caught up now
But you’re just so cool
Run your hands through your hair
Absent mindedly makin’ me want you

And I don’t know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
And I don’t know why but with you I’d dance
In a storm in my best dress

Also note the hat tips to aloofness, taking charge, a hint of danger/the unknown, and the woman not knowing the why of her feelings.  In contrast, here is a song Taylor Swift will never write:  one where she’s in the car with a guy and he’s constantly asking her where she wants to go and if he’s driving too fast and if she’s comfortable or not.  Just some food for thought.

Player attention grid.

24 Feb

Why players don’t think there are any “good” girls:

Anthem for the gameosphere (NSFW).

2 Feb

Also works for Christian honeymoons!

She likes someone else’s boyfriend.

23 Jan

Today in my internet surfings I came across a thread at one of my regular haunts that I knew I had to share with my dearest of readers.  It is a capsule of Roissy validation, i.e., it is a real-life, real-time dramatic incarnation of most of the principles of female nature he discusses.  Social message boards for women are some of the most instructive reads for insight into female nature; the nature of the medium does not alter the substance of interaction.

So, here’s what happened:  OP, in a thread titled “I like someone else’s boyfriend.“, goes attention-whoring by posting the following:

Lol, it sucks. But yes, I am smart enough not to ever do anything about it. He’s so awesome and we are so alike. I like him as in yes, I wish I could have him, but I just honestly like him as a person. Oh wellllll.

Right off the bat, we know we are dealing with a young woman, probably early to mid-20s, who craves attention and drama and is set on getting it by denying the very thing everyone with half a brain can tell she wants, even as she herself wants to believe that she really doesn’t want to steal this guy away from his girlfriend.  When the first reply suggests to simply enjoy the friendship since the guy does like his girlfriend, OP says:

Yes, he does. Should I add the story that I am 100% sure he would cheat on her with me. But, I just can’t. I would feel so bad no matter how much I like him. It’s not like a I’m liking him from afar thing. We talk all the time.

The East German judge gives OP’s hamster a 10.0 AND strikes a deal under the table with the Soviet judge to give OP a 10.0 also.  Anyone who believes this girl would “feel so bad” if she had sex with this guy needs to go pick up his White Knight suit with the Honors Beta badge from the dry cleaners.

With this additional piece of information, the dogpile begins.  Admonitions – rightfully so – that the guy is “shady” and that OP should “be careful” start up.  This attention prompts OP to reveal even MORE salacious details so her inner narcissism monster can be fed:

Because he’s mentioned it. We live in a SMALL town, and everyone knows everything, so that sucks. He apparently saw me leaving yesterday night and asked where I was going. So I told him out to the bar in another town. So he text me all night telling me to come over after I was done. And text me some dirty messages that I won’t even type here. I was like “aren’t you with your girlfriend?” He said yeah, but she will be gone later.

Now, that being said, I DO like him. So much. But I’m smart enough not to do anything. Because it is shady, and yeah, not cool. I know that I need to stop having contact with him, and it just sucks because I like him. I don’t know why I like him so much. He is willing to cheat on his girl. I think it’s because like I said, we have SO much in common, and I never meet people like me.

This is CLASSIC attention-whoring in the tried-and-true junior high girl tradition.  “I’ve got a SECRET!!!!!!…but I can’t tell,” “I’m in so much emotional suffering,” and “I don’t deserve this” techniques are all deployed here.  The only other biggie she left out was “I’m SUCH a ditz, tee-hee!”.

In a bid for even more attention, OP also starts denying that anything will happen between herself and Shade:

Whatever makes me feel better? I’ve already mentioned I won’t do anything about it. And I am serious about that.

In my experience, if you have to assure someone that you won’t do something, then you’ve already thought about doing it and are looking for someone to tell you that it’s okay to do it.  (Exceptions:  when your mom makes you promise that you WON’T DO SOMETHING despite the fact that you never discussed the topic with her EVER and never even thought about it seriously until she brought it up.)

Now that Shade’s douchebaggery is out in the open for everyone to see, the shaming tough love begins:

Wow, he sounds like a real prize and I can’t believe you’d like a guy like that. He obviously just wants you for a booty call and otherwise has no respect for you or his girlfriend.


Yeah, I think you should try to see his infidelity for the turn-off that it is. Maybe it will make it easier not to mess with him.


Ew he sounds like trash.

This is where things get interesting.  Are these other girls correct that Shade is a super d-bag?  Of course.  Any guy with a girlfriend who is sending dirty texts to another girl and talking to her all the time is prime d-bag material.  But are these girls correct that his douchebaggery is a turn-off?  No, they’re not.

The only reason that these girls can be objective about the situation is that they themselves are not attracted to Shade.  It’s pretty clear from the discussion that no matter how low-rent Shade is (and if he works at any place more prestigious than, say, Best Buy as one of the incompetent louts who can’t tell you anything about any of their products, I will be shocked), he has enough game to get OP to throw ethics to the wind and soak up his attention AND go seeking even more attention by telling strangers on the internet about the situation.

So, no matter how much these girls tell OP to stay away from Shade, to delete him from her phone, to tell him to…go jump in a lake (they use some more, um, forceful language), OP won’t.  OP already likes Shade, so nothing will be able to trip up her hamster.  OP will tell herself until she’s blue in the face – as she has done and continues to do in this thread, and until, I imagine, she is in the very act of having sex with Shade – that nothing will ever happen between her and Shade and that she has no desire to steal him away from his girlfriend.  And she will honestly believe herself.  And when it DOES happen, she will not be able to understand how it happened, and she’s not that kind of girl, and she feels SO bad (except she doesn’t).

And the thing is, all women are like this.  I’ve felt these seeds in myself at times and wondered why I was doing things that I would hate myself for if I weren’t the one doing them.  Even feminists are like this – maybe even more so, because I think that the more feminist a woman is, the more deeply and idealistically romantic she is.  A friend of mine who is a self-described “pinko commie” feminist fell for a roadie for her favorite band.  Roadie had a girlfriend, and would ignore my friend whenever the girlfriend came to a show, but it did not matter to my friend:  she and Roadie shared something special that was beyond the ken of the average person.  I tried to explain to her that Roadie was a loser, that she had no future with him, and that I did not understand why she was accepting second-best treatment and outright disrespect, especially when she was supposedly such a feminist and trying to be a role model for young women who have no better sense than to read Twilight.  Nothing I said made any impact.  Even when I pointed out that as a woman, why would she try to undermine another woman, all my friend did was shrug and pawn it off as not her problem.  She was in heaven when near Roadie, in angst when the girlfriend, known as Bitch, was around.  I finally told her not to talk to me about him ever again.

So what is the Christian spin on all of this?  The first is that you need to develop discipline NOW when you don’t have this kind of temptation in your life.  You also need to develop discernment so you will be able to pick good friends, and humility so you will listen to your friends and trust that their judgments are good.  If you find yourself saying about a guy, “Well, they don’t know him the way I know him, so they must be wrong!”, you most likely should stop and chiggity check yourself before you wreck yourself.  (I mean, think about it:  the way you described him to your friends was enough to raise red flags in their minds.  That’s not exactly a glowing endorsement for his character.)  And you need to develop character so you won’t become a common attention whore, chronicling your narcissism on the internet for everybody in the entire world with an internet connection both now and in the future to read.

As a companion piece, I recommend Ricky’s latest blog post, “Raw Concepts: Double Messages.”  It addresses the narcissism angle that OP so robustly demonstrates.

ETA:  OP is also constructing a scenario for plausible deniability in her actions with Shade.  She is giving him signals that she’s DTF but won’t jump him herself.  Being a man, eventually he is going to feel like experiencing someone else’s vagina, and being an alpha, he is going to be able to get it from an easy target, a.k.a. OP.  Then OP can say that it wasn’t her fault, “Shade just came after me when I was vulnerable and one thing led to another.  He’s the bad one.”