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You might be Christian LJBFed if…

8 Aug

…you ask her out and she needs to pray about it before giving you an answer.

…she never talks to you at churchly singles mingles without a less attractive, more boring, more annoying female friend around.

…she only invites you to group activities.

…she is popular at church and you are not.

…she tells you you’re a “great guy.”

…she tells you that so many girls are looking for a godly guy like you.

…she puts you on the prayer team tree and you’re not the person she’s supposed to call.

…she praises the worship leader/hot missionary/Habitat for Humanity organizer’s “servant’s heart” too much.

…the pastor instructs everyone to reach across the aisle for prayer and you get to hold her hand only to find out it’s cold and limp and she doesn’t give a quick, churchly squeeze at “amen.”

…she calls you a brother in Christ.

You might be a beta church girl if…

17 Jul

…you have long, straight hair clipped back by a barrette.

…you own a long, denim skirt.

…you have ever had a quilted Bible cover with handles.

…you’ve never worn heels higher than 1 1/2 inches.

…you don’t see the need to wear makeup.

…the only young women’s magazine you’ve ever subscribed to is Brio.

…you volunteer in the church nursery/teach Sunday school to toddlers.

…you love heartwarming Hallmark movies, the Anne of Green Gables movie, and the 1995 BBC version of Pride and Prejudice.

…you’ve ever loved a Janette Oke novel.

…you memorized a raft of Bible verses to earn a scholarship for Christian summer camp.

…you have pledged to have your first kiss on your wedding day.

…you wear a Wordless Bracelet when none of the popular kids do.

…you bought a T-shirt at a Point of Grace concert.

…Elisabeth Elliot, Shaunti Feldhahn, and Stasi Eldredge are some of your favorite authors.

…your first celebrity crush was Michael W. Smith or Steven Curtis Chapman.

…the only social topic that gets you more fired up than abortion is evolution.

…you feel uncomfortable in shirts without sleeves.

Weird Al puts it all in perspective…

11 Jul

Bad alpha dads: the movie.

4 Jul

The folks who made Fireproof, about an alpha firefighter who was an inadequate husband, are returning this fall with Courageous, a new film about a group of alpha policemen who are inadequate dads.  Judging by the trailer, it looks like this movie, like its predecessor, features a Sage Black Guy who points the Struggling White Guys to God.  Ten bucks says this will be another box office hit.

Suggestions for future movies:

  • White mom who is stretched too thin between work and kids gets advice from Sage Black Churchgoing Neighbor and learns to let God make her husband a better husband.
  • White teen girl who is tempted by alpha jocks gets advice from Sage Black Churchgoing Friend and learns to let God be her one true love.
  • Pregnant white teen girl is encouraged by evil public school counselor and pushy nonbeliever parents to get an abortion, but after talking to a Sage Black Churchgoing Lady, learns to value life as God values life.
  • White male business/land owner struggling to make ends meet is approached by unsavory investors to start a casino or strip club, but gets advice from Sage Black Churchgoing Employee and learns to let God provide instead.
  • Politically powerful white male racist has the opportunity to create more oppression for people of color, but after an encounter with a Sage Black Churchgoer in great financial need, learns to be colorblind as God is colorblind.
  • White male missionary is discouraged after not seeing conversion results, but after an encounter with a Sage Black Local with great faith, learns to have same faith.


Why sending dirty messages is a bad idea (NSFW).

11 Jun

Because if they’re leaked, something like this could happen to you (extremely NSFW):

(For those not watching, it’s Bill Maher and Jane Lynch giving a verbatim “dramatic reading” of Rep. Anthony Weiner’s Facebook messages with a Las Vegas blackjack dealer named Lisa.)

Maybe it wouldn’t happen to you on this scale, but stuff like this doesn’t go quietly into the night.  I don’t trust cell phones, Twitter, or Facebook.


Curvy on the internet.

20 May

The new “I have a boyfriend.”

2 May

Everybody knows that women who don’t want to be bothered by men often use “I have a boyfriend” as a deterrent.  The scenario usually goes thusly:

GUY:  Yo, we should hang out sometime in a sexual way. (paraphrasing)

UNINTERESTED GIRL:  I have a boyfriend.  (usually prefaced by “uh” if she doesn’t like you, and “I’m sorry” if she’s trying to let you down gently)

GUY:  Oh, my bad.  (goes home to chronicle failure in blog)

Whether or not the girl actually has a boyfriend is beside the point.  Etiquette dictates that trying to steal someone who is taken (if not legally so) is rude, and so the excuse usually works.

However, thanks to Game, many men now consider “I have a boyfriend” to be a shit test.  The logic behind this assumption is that the woman will forget about her boyfriend if a more alpha male comes around, so the man should be that alpha male if he wants to make time.  Fair enough.  Boyfriends don’t incur any legal obligation of loyalty.

This got me thinking, though…if “I have a boyfriend” no longer commands the same social sway that it once did, then what new excuse can a woman use to politely get rid of unwanted swains?  (“I have to wash my hair” is the “Shout to the Lord” of excuses, i.e., just a little too obvious of a go-to.)

Well, recent comments left on this blog indicated that a woman who dated multiple men concurrently was “undeniably slutty” and unable to be satisfied by one man.  So, in light of that information, maybe the new “I have a boyfriend” should be “I have three boyfriends.”

GUY:  Yo, we should hang out sometime in a sexual way.

UNINTERESTED GIRL:  I have three boyfriends.

GUY:  WHAT OMG WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE  (runs away to denounce modern women in blog)

Of course, a woman deploying this technique would have to make sure the situation didn’t backfire on her:

GUY:  Yo, we should hang out sometime in a sexual way.

UNINTERESTED GIRL:  I have three boyfriends.


UNINTERESTED GIRL:  $*#@!!….um, I just remembered, I have to wash my hair.  (runs away to remind girlfriends that men are pigs)

Alternative suggestions:

GUY:  Yo, we should hang out sometime in a sexual way.

UNINTERESTED GIRL:  My dog/grandma/parakeet named Bill just died.


GUY:  Yo, we should hang out sometime in a sexual way.

UNINTERESTED GIRL:  I’m attending my son’s figure skating competition.  The tassels on his costume are amazing.


GUY:  Yo, we should hang out sometime in a sexual way.

UNINTERESTED GIRL:  Okay, but I have to warn you…I didn’t shave my chest this morning.

It’s up to you.  Pick your poison.

OT: search terms.

5 Apr

WordPress keeps track of the search terms that people use to find the blog.  Most search terms have something to do with the blog title or my name.  Sometimes there will be searches for specific topics I’ve blogged about.  And sometimes people do searches for specific commenters.  But occasionally I’ll get hits from unrelated things, such as this one that I saw today:

Okay, fess up:  which one of you was this?

If you were a swagger coach: bassoon quartet edition.

3 Apr

This is the most purely nerdy thing I have ever seen on the internet.  (Pure nerdiness lacks the repulsive desperation/shame factor commonly associated with nerds.)  I encourage everyone to watch the video, but if you don’t, this is what it contains:  a bassoon quartet playing selections of score from the Super Mario Bros. video game series.  This video is special because pretty much every aspect is nerdy to the hilt.  To wit:

  • Bassoon quartet.  You have to be a very dedicated band geek to play the bassoon, because bassoons are not cheap.
  • The music is from a series of video games, which someone obviously had to take the time to select and arrange.
  • I didn’t realize until the musicians stood up to take their bows that the blonde on the left is female.
  • Everyone in the quartet is wearing glasses.
  • Everyone in the quartet has a dorky haircut.
  • The Asian in the back stops playing and beatboxes unironically at two different times and occasionally makes sound effects noises.
  • Everyone is wearing the same custom shirt, which features four bassoons and which I assume is their group outfit.
  • Everyone is wearing stone-washed jeans that look like they came straight out of 1996.

If you were a swagger coach and were hired to prep these kids for a night of sarging cheerleaders, what would you advise?

Player attention grid.

24 Feb

Why players don’t think there are any “good” girls: