People on the internet only date very attractive people.

I have noticed that no man on the internet ever dates a woman who is less than an 8.  Whenever men seek relationship advice, half the time they mention their girlfriend is an 8, sometimes a 9.  (No one dates 10s, because that would just be pretentious.)  If I ever see a man come out and admit that he’s dating a 5 or a 6 who loves him very much and does her best to make him happy, I will probably keel over.  But then I suppose that would mean that the man is either a 5 or 6 himself, or he’s slumming, and nobody wants to come clean on either count.  But since 5s and 6s are the bulk of the population, and the bulk of the population does marry, then someone is dating those people.

Just not people on the internet, I guess….

ManLingo: “I want to marry a girl like you.”

Sometimes when a man and woman become close friends, the man will say to the woman, “I want to marry someone like you” (or some variation thereof).

This is how the woman hears this statement:  “I am falling in love with you but I don’t know how to express it.”  Usually at this point in the relationship, the woman is harboring secret hope that the man is in love with her, because she is already in love with him.

This, however, is what the man really means:  “I want to find someone hotter who has your personality but I don’t want to hurt your feelings and actually tell you that I’m not physically attracted to you in the least.  Plus, I am enjoying your no-strings-attached company and you’ll do until I find someone who meets my criteria for physical attractiveness.”

Why the church encourages young women to be plain.

As someone who grew up steeped in evangelical church culture, I will attest that I never once received specific church guidance on how to make myself look physically beautiful (or at least better than my reflection in the morning).  Virginity pledges, sex-is-beautiful-because-God-created-it-and-God-doesn’t-create-junk talks, See You at the Pole, myths of evolution, evils of rock music, sanctity-of-life instruction – yes.  How to make the most of the body and face God gave me – no.  Apparently, physical appearance is just something that girls are expected either to know innately or to absorb through the constant bombardment of The Media (which, as we all know, belongs to The World, out of which nothing good can come and which sends the wrong message to impressionable minds not sufficiently girded with the Sword of the Spirit, et al).

It seems to me that the modern evangelical church lives in fear of the male sex drive* and does nearly everything in its power to deny its motivations.  When I was in high school, youth group sex talks usually stressed the importance of “modesty.”  It was important to dress modestly because if you didn’t, disgusting sex-crazed boys would think about you with lust, which was gross and wrong.  (That’s enough to scare conscientious young girls into covering up.  At that age, there’s no need to remind them of pervy old men, either.)  The greatest sartorial enemies of modesty were low-cut tops and mini-skirts — ergo, any girl caught wearing such an item of clothing was immediately branded, if not outright, then definitely through knowing glances and innuendo, one of those girls.  Wearing a short skirt was practically one step away from asking to be raped.  Don’t tempt the brothers!  Just being female is enough temptation!

In addition, evangelical girls are taught, almost as a catechism, that true beauty comes from Christian spirit and from nowhere else, on the basis of the following verses:

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. -Proverbs 31:30

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.  Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. -1 Peter 3:3-4

Never mind the fact that the Bible is brimming with beautiful women and that in some cases, it was the woman’s looks that made the difference between good and bad outcomes, and that an entire book of the Bible is devoted to the pleasures of sex and pleasing physical traits of the woman – isn’t it HOBBBVIOUS from these verses that looks don’t and shouldn’t matter?  Other corollaries naturally follow, such as:

Physical appearance isn’t worth my time because I should spend all my time focusing on the Lord.  Oppressed Chinese people need Bibles more than I need Mary Kay!

My looks will wither anyway, so why try to attract someone on the basis of something that won’t last?

If I spend any time trying to look really, really good, I will be considered shallow and not focusing on the things above.

And, possibly the most deadly:

My personality and character are where true beauty comes from, so anyone who evaluates me on the basis of my looks doesn’t appreciate true beauty or have his spiritual priorities straight.  Therefore, I am free to condemn his rejection of me as sinful and hate prettier girls who get all of the male attention, because if they were real Christians, they’d be working on their personalities instead.

So, when you consider the sex fears that the church instills in young women, along with the imperative to downplay looks (I remember reading that classic tome I Kissed Dating Good-bye and being surprised that author Joshua Harris actually boasts at one point that his attractive female friends don’t dress to stun), and you end up with women who dress plainly, partly out of conviction and partly out of fear of being socially ostracized, and who do it as a badge of honor and courage.

*I am not not acknowledging the destructive power that a sex drive uncontrolled can wield.  Certainly caution is prudent, given the number of men throughout history who have destroyed their lives and the lives of their loved ones on account of lust.  However, I continually get the impression that many in the church would love nothing more than to completely snuff out male sexual impulse, along with all the good it can do when properly directed.  Sex drive is like fire:  incredibly productive when harnessed, devastating when not.

Blaming current ideals of beauty.

One thing that has started to drive me crazy is (Christian) women’s constant blaming of not having a boyfriend or husband on impossible “current ideals of beauty.”  Whenever a woman goes through a dry spell and is verging on bitterness, nine times out of ten she’ll say, “Well, I just don’t measure up to all those models/actresses in the magazines, and that’s what men want.”  (I just realized that I’ve actually sort of discussed this issue before on the blog, but it’s an issue that keeps rearing its only-beautiful-by-the-world’s-standards head, so why not write about it again?)

This is a cheap excuse because it oversimplifies the issue.  Men are biologically programmed to desire beautiful women, and Hollywood actresses are selected for their beauty.  Of course men “want” the beautiful women in movies and TV shows and Victoria’s Secret catalogs.  But men also understand that (a) there are very few women, if any, they know in real life who are that beautiful and, possibly more importantly, (b) they don’t have what it takes to snag a woman who is that beautiful and keep her for themselves.  Not to mention, most men aren’t going to move to Hollywood just to try to get one of those women for themselves, especially not when they’ll be battling multi-millionaires and powerful Hollywood execs and men who are ten times as good-looking for those women.  So men settle.  Mate selection is a pragmatic undertaking when it comes right down to it.

So if men are willing to settle, but they’re not settling for you, why is that?  It could be any one or more of several possibilities:

• Your physical appearance needs help. The average man doesn’t require that you be a size 2, but you should look like you are at a healthy weight for your body type and care about your appearance.
• Your personality needs help. Smiling more and complaining less are good ways to start.  Also, if the only thing that interests you is what’s in Us Weekly, it won’t hurt expand your intellectual horizons.  (Unless you’re a 10.  Then you will probably be forgiven for being shallow.  But if you’re a 10, you probably don’t have trouble attracting attention in the first place, so….)  This goes along with…
• You need better social skills. Don’t expect other people to entertain you or keep the conversation going.  People get resentful when others expect them to do all the heavy lifting in a conversation.  Learn how to listen and how to ask questions that keep conversations afloat.  Also, make eye contact and learn how to give a good handshake.  Have a shortlist of conversation starters mentally on hand if you struggle with coming up with ideas.
• You don’t go anywhere where you can actually meet single members of the opposite sex who are realistic marriage prospects. This ties into…
• You want someone of a caliber you can’t realistically hope to attract. Age, wealth, looks, talents, intelligence, etc. are goods you bring to the mating table.  Don’t overestimate the value of yours.  If you’ve got a 5 face and a 20-lbs. overweight body, the charismatic, single, multi-talented church worship leader isn’t going to go for you, no matter how amazing a man of God he is or how good of friends you think you are…or how much your female friends encourage you to keep your hopes up because you are an amazing person.
• You honestly haven’t met anyone who sparks with you even though you take care of yourself and have a good personality. This one is perhaps the toughest to deal with and has no easy solution.

Just remember – is everyone you know who is married drop-dead gorgeous and the Most Amazing Person Ever?  No?  Then there’s always hope for you.

Also, about Hollywood beauty and the images you see in film and on TV and in magazines:

It is true that Hollywood, the primary American cultural arbiter of beauty, has rather narrow standards.  It is rare to find a principal actress in a movie or television show who exceeds a size 6, tops (the exception being actresses who play “types” or are there mainly for body image affirmative action – but even these women, for the most part, aren’t bigger than the average American woman, who is a size 12 or 14, depending on which poll you use).  But Hollywood is a manufactured fantasy world, with its inhabitants carefully selected to fit within certain parameters, at least on the screen.  This extends right on down to the extras; it is rare for even the background actors in a typical production to be obese or objectively unattractive, on the whole.  In the real world, you will not find a general population ever to be as good-looking as the people of a Hollywood production.  So with that in mind, it’s really pointless to compare yourself to the people in a movie or TV show.  Those few people were selected out of hundreds or even thousands to fit specific needs demanded by the script, director, and/or producers.  Real life isn’t like that.

The thing is, men know this.  They have eyeballs and can tell that the women that surround them in everyday life are not Jessica Alba, Megan Fox, Charlize Theron, Halle Berry, or any of the little pretties on CW shows.  Yet somehow these men manage to date and get married to regular women, so they can’t be that picky about looks.  If every man held out for a 10, hardly anyone would be married.

Too complicated to have any generalizations apply to you.

What is with this current attitude that someone or something is “too complicated” to have any generalizations or rules apply to them?  I see it all the time in discussion forums about personal relationships.  Do we live in a world where everyone is such a special snowflake that everyone falls outside the norm?

For example, divorce.  If someone on a discussion forum announces they’re getting divorced or thinking about it, and you chime in and say, “It’s better to stay together for the kids,” I guarantee you someone will jump down your throat insisting that it’s not your life, you don’t know all the details, and that relationships are “complicated” and therefore conventional wisdom does not apply.

Or how about obesity, particularly if you’re addressing evangelical women.  No one flies off the handle more than evangelical women if a man states that women are more attractive when they are thin.  A hullabaloo over this issue just went down at Boundless recently when one of their bloggers, Ted Slater, wrote a post and used the words “bouncing beach ball.”  His post was apparently so incendiary that it was deleted and replaced with a more “conciliatory” post by Candice Watters, who used the word “precious” every five seconds to remind fat girls that they deserve love, too, while insinuating that with enough prayer, a fat girl can find a man who will love her without demanding that she lose any weight.  To top it off, Ted then posted a new post apologizing for his cruel, thoughtless words.  And to think evangelical women complain that men don’t assume enough “leadership” these days.

Anyhow, in the comments of Candice’s new post, a few men piped up to agree with Ted’s original sentiments.  Naturally, these men got flayed alive by your typical assortment of Christian lashings, such as accusations of being unattractive, having a bad personality and/or mean spirit, and not speaking in love.  Several women insisted that obesity is not a personal failing and that you can never assume that someone loves cake more than a hot body just by looking at them.  The person could have complicated medical issues!*  Plus, well, it’s hard to be thin!  And chubby girls already feel a lot of despair about not having a boyfriend!  Good Christians pretend that other people are not fat, I guess.  Let’s keep fighting abortion instead!

Is this trend the result of the self-esteem culture and its resultant narcissism?  I think it might be.  But then, as the Bible says, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it?” (Jer. 17:9)

*I am definitely aware that sometimes a person is obese due to chemical or hormonal imbalances in the body, especially something like a thyroid problem.  But it is ludicrous to believe that the majority of the American public has a thyroid problem that’s causing the love handles, love saddlebags, or whatever you want to call them.

Presentation is of the essence: women’s edition, part 2.

Hey, readers.  I had a crazy week last week that left me mentally drained every night, so the blogging had to be shunted to the backburner.  Thanks to everyone who has continued to visit the site and has contributed to discussion.

Okay, back to the promised second half of my post on how women can maximize their appearance.  In Part 1 I discussed figure and face.  Here I’ll be discussing fashion.

Sometimes I think fashion is the trickiest part of a woman’s appearance to master.  Not every trend favors every woman’s figure, but many women choose their clothing based on trend, regardless of what the clothes actually look like on them.  Others eschew fashion altogether as a frivolous, materialistic, ungodly pursuit and prefer to wear uniforms of shapeless T-shirts and jeans.  Neither approach results in a more attractive woman.

In my opinion, good fashion flatters both the woman’s figure and her complexion and is contemporary.  (Just because something was considered tasteful in 1985 doesn’t mean it’ll still be tasteful today.)  In order to achieve good fashion, a woman should pay attention to the fit and drape of the clothing, the cut of the clothing, and the color and print.

– Fit/Drape

Fit and drape of fabric are just as important to women’s fashion as to men’s.  A garment can be stylish and tasteful and still look horrible on you if the fit and drape are wrong.  You can tell that a piece of clothing has a good fit if it doesn’t gap or bunch anywhere.  A button-down shirt shouldn’t gap between the buttons.  Pants shouldn’t bunch around the ankles or gap at the waist.  They shouldn’t sag at the butt.  The seam where the sleeve meets the body of a shirt should sit at the edge of the shoulder.  In general, your clothes should not look pulled-tight over your body, nor should they make you look like you’re swimming inside them.  Good drape of fabric is indicated by clothes hanging in a natural way off the body, as if gravity is the only force on the clothes.  Clothes shouldn’t look like they’re “caught” somewhere (like across the breasts or shoulders or thighs or stomach).

Often a trip to the tailor can correct problems with fit and drape, but if the alterations are such that it amounts to practically taking the entire garment apart and then re-stitching it to fit you right, you might want to skip on the garment altogether.  Also, DO NOT buy “aspirational” clothing that “someday” you will fit into when you’ve finally lost the fifteen pounds that you’ve been meaning to lose for the last five years.  Buy clothes that fit you NOW and that you will actually wear instead of hang in the corner of your closet and look at every now and then and sigh because you still haven’t lost those pounds.  By the time you actually lose the weight and manage to keep it off, the garment will probably be out of style, anyway.  In general, I advise getting rid of any piece of clothing you haven’t worn in three years.  After three years, most clothing is dated, and if you haven’t worn it in three years, it’s highly unlikely that you’re going to suddenly get inspired and pull it out of the closet and start wearing it.  There’s a reason you didn’t wear it for three years, after all.

– Cut of the clothing

This is closely related to fit/drape.  An item of clothing can fit and hang perfectly on the body, but a poorly selected cut can undermine much of the good of the fit and drape.

The goal of good fashion is to give the impression of the woman having ideal proportions.  The ideal body proportion for women is to have a waist-to-hip ratio (WHR) of 0.7 (the waist measurement is 0.7 times the hip measurement, i.e., the waist measurement is roughly two-thirds that of the hips).  It is also generally considered more attractive and feminine for a woman to have long legs and a long torso.  Unfortunately, most women fall short of the ideal WHR and either don’t have long legs or don’t have a long torso.  This is where the principle of proper cut comes in.

Wearing clothes that are cut to flatter your figure is how you can create the illusion of perfect (or at least closer to perfect) proportions.  I generally think that proper cut is a trial-and-error thing that’s unique to each woman.  There are lots of fashion books that give tips on what to do if you have X body type, but following their advice to the letter won’t necessarily result in a better-looking you.  And just because a garment has a specific cut doesn’t mean that that garment itself is going to flatter you.  Even within cuts, you have to evaluate each garment individually.  Not all V-necks are created equal.  What you want to strive for is balance.  If you have a short waist, high-waisted pants won’t elongate your torso.  If you have short legs, really baggy pants won’t create an illusion of long line.  If you have a short neck, a V-neck may be more flattering on you than a crew neck.  And so on.

Usually if you do enough trial-and-error-ing, you will start to find that certain cuts work for you and that certain brands make those cuts in ways that are especially flattering on you.  Don’t be above buying several of the same shirt in multiple colors if the shirt works for you.  It’s better to wear a lot of the same thing that looks great than to wear a variety of things that look so-so.

– Color and print

Women’s clothing has much more vibrant colors and variety of colors than men’s clothing, so women should take advantage of that.  If your wardrobe is mainly olive green, slate blue, washed-out brown, and different shades of gray, your wardrobe is probably not catching the eyes of very many people, especially not men, whose wardrobes consist largely of the same colors.

Back in the ’80s, it was very popular to determine which colors looked best on you by classifying you as a “season”  according to your hair and eye color.  “Springs” looked good in neutrals, “summers” in pastels, “autumns” in rusts, and “winters” in bolds.  While I don’t think it’s necessary to be that strict, every woman has colors that she favors more than others.  In my opinion, it’s more important to pay attention to the tone (the lightness or darkness) and the saturation (intensity) of the color than the hue itself.  Don’t limit yourself by saying, “I can’t wear green.”  No matter your coloring, you probably can wear green; you just won’t look as good in all tones or saturations of green.

As for prints, be aware of the expanding property of prints.  I tend to avoid them because they make me look wider; as lovely as all the flowery skirts are that are out there, they often make me look like a wide load.  My feeling about prints is that they should accent your outfit, not be the focal point of the outfit.  If the print is the main thing drawing attention to what you’re wearing, be very sure that the printed garment flatters the part of the body it’s on.

Re: stripes – I rarely buy anything striped, especially if it’s horizontal.  Sometimes large, blocky stripes can be okay, but for the most part, stripes often tend to be too busy and too casual…plus, there’s the whole widening thing.

A few other things I thought of:

– Accessories

Not being overly burdened with wealth, I don’t own a lot of accessories (bracelets, earrings, necklaces, scarves, shoes).  Well-chosen accessories, though, can dress up (or dress down) an outfit and provide a contrasting accent.  Often just the accessories can make the difference between a casual and a dressy look.  Different accessories can also multiply the number of outfits you have (like wearing the same shirt with two different scarves).

– Wardrobe basics

Once you’re out of college, it’s a good idea to start building a wardrobe with items that will last you years, rather than just a season or two.  These are the items that are more timeless and are worth spending a little more on.  Having high-quality basics will make your entire wardrobe look pricier.  Here are some items that I think are indispensable to a contemporary (and usually professional) woman’s wardrobe:

– Dark wash jeans – Jeans are ubiquitous these days and are now made stylishly enough that they can be used in both casual and dressy settings.  Dark wash is the most versatile, so if you must buy one type of jeans, buy these.  They can be dressed up with a nice top and heels, or dressed down with a T-shirt and jeans.  I like high-end jeans (>$150) due to their not stretching out with wear, but you can find dark wash jeans at any price point, from Old Navy and Target on up.  A classic straight leg or slightly boot cut will flatter most women’s figures and look the most sophisticated.

– Black pants – Black pants are also extremely versatile and can go from office-wear to date-wear with a change of your top and shoes.  Express’s Editor pant is an affordable, medium-quality cut that is flattering on a lot of body types.  Banana Republic and J.Crew also make pants that work for this purpose and are a little more conservative in their cuts.

– Knee-length black dress – There’s virtually nowhere the “little black dress” can’t go.  You can dress it up or down with shoes and accessories, and if you choose the cut wisely, it may never go out of style.  If you have figure flaws you’re looking to cover up, it’s hard to go wrong with an A-line silhouette.

– Cardigan – Cardigans came back into style in the mid-’90s and refuse to leave.  Cardigans are an excellent layering garment for those times when you can’t tell what the weather will be like.  They can also add modesty to a sleeveless or strapless dress or top.  Black is the most versatile color, but gray and other neutrals can enhance any wardrobe as well.

– Knee-length coat – Depending on where you live, you probably should have one for spring/summer/fall and one for winter.  The belted trench is a classic style that’s “in” right now, but unbelted is fine, too.  Knee-length is versatile enough for just about any occasion except the most formal, in which case calf-length is more appropriate.  Make sure the coat does not add bulk to your silhouette.

– A bra that fits right – Your clothes will drape and lie better if you’re properly, um, arranged.  If you have never had a bra fitting, it’s something worth looking into.  At the very least, it will confirm that you’re already wearing the correct size.  You can have a fitting at any major department store or lingerie shop like Victoria’s Secret.  If you want to measure yourself, VS has a how-to guide.

– Underwear that doesn’t give you Visible Panty Lines – Your butt shouldn’t look like it’s divided into fourths.  That is all.

Okay, I think that about covers it, at least for now.  Overall, a wardrobe is an investment, and if you treat it like one, it will repay itself many times over over time.  Don’t be afraid to spend now for something that fits great, looks great, and is a quality garment that you will wear many times.  And while you’re at it, clean out your current closet using the Three Year Rule.  You’ll feel much better about buying new things if you have room for them in your closet.

Presentation is of the essence: women’s edition, part 1.

A while back I wrote a post describing how men can maximize their looks by tending to the three Fs:  fitness, follicles, and fashion.  Women can do the same by tending to their three Fs:  figure, face, and fashion.  Also, I just want to clarify that looking good should not just be for the purpose of attracting a husband or boyfriend.  Looking good will improve your life mentally, emotionally, and physically, and give you greater confidence – which will in turn make you more attractive to the opposite sex.  For my Christian readers, I suppose this is where I’m supposed to remind you that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, and that the Holy Spirit don’t want to live in no junk!  Very generally speaking, though, I think that the state of the body is a partial reflection of spiritual health.  I don’t think it’s any coincidence that the United States is experiencing both a spiritual quagmire and an obesity epidemic.  But I’ll save that for another post.

Back to the point of this post, though, which is how women can maximize their appearance!  Obviously I have more to say on this because (a) I am a woman, and therefore have personal experience with most of the issues that women face in this area, and (b) there’s simply more that women have to do to pass muster.

FIGURE

Unfortunately for women, men value a woman’s figure much more than women value a man’s physique.  For many men, the poundage you carry will make the difference between whether he sees you as the Eternal Friend With A Good Personality or as the Potential Wife.  This means that unless you’re naturally slender and don’t put on weight easily, you’re going to have to watch what you eat and get regular exercise.  In other words, you will have to develop some self-discipline if you don’t already have it.

– Diet

Eat greater amounts of lean protein, fruits, and vegetables, and drink more water.  Limit starchy and greasy foods and high-sugar drinks like fruit juices and sodas.  (Sodas are empty calories to the max.  Eating Special K for breakfast is worthless if you’re chugging down two Big Gulps a day.)  Stay away from processed foods like TV dinners and “instant” meals where you add water and stick it in the microwave.  These are usually high in salt and fat…hello, water retention!  Learn the basics of cooking if you don’t know how to cook; not only will your food prep be healthier, your food bill will also decrease.  I recommend Betty Crocker Cooking Basics as a starter cookbook if you really don’t know what you’re doing in the kitchen.  This book has easy-to-follow instructions, great photos, and recipes that won’t make you the next Bobby Flay but will enable you to make tasty meals with common ingredients.

For singles who are cooking for one, a toaster oven or a small George Foreman grill are really easy ways to bake or grill meats in single servings.  I also tend to buy frozen vegetables and nuke them in the microwave.  Frozen vegetables take the pressure off trying to eat perishable foods fast enough.

– Exercise

Find an exercise plan that you can stick to and easily incorporate into your life.  Don’t join a gym if you’re only going to go once a month or if you’re too shy to use the equipment in front of strangers.  Don’t buy expensive home gym equipment or faddish workout DVDs.  Unless you are really passionate about exercise, don’t invest in anything that requires you to spend an hour a day working out; you will run out of enthusiasm quickly and then be stuck with a bulky or expensive (or both) investment that you don’t use.  My preferred methods of exercising are brisk walking around the neighborhood and a core strengthening Pilates DVD.  Walking briskly for 20-25 minutes three times a week will take at least an inch off each thigh; it will also tighten up your booty and tone your calves.  Plus, it’s free, which is everyone’s favorite price.  If you’re the type of person who needs some accountability, recruit a friend and go walking together.  Just keep the pace brisk; you should be slightly out of breath at the end.  The Pilates DVD has helped to tone up my thighs, abs, glutes, and arms, but even better is the added endurance for sitting, standing, and walking.

Another option to try, if you are willing to spend some money, is Wii Fit Plus for the Nintendo Wii.  One of my friends has it, and it is a blast.  It has so many different exercise options that you won’t get stuck in a rut.  Also, the exercises are short.  Wii Fit Plus also has the ability to track your progress.  If you’re motivated by visible results and are more electronically inclined, Wii Fit Plus may be for you.  Another bonus is that you can exercise in the privacy of your living room or wherever you have a TV.

Overall, the goal for feminine fitness should be to have a healthy body for your body type.  Don’t be discouraged that you don’t have the body of a millionaire supermodel or actress.  Those women’s JOB is having a perfect body, and only a very small percentage of women have the genes that make them eligible for that job, anyway.  And a lot of even those women struggle with maintaining their figures.  (Also…most eligible men in your circle will never have a chance with a woman of Hollywood-caliber looks.  Only the most delusional man is going to hold out for the Christian version of Jessica Alba or Megan Fox — and even if one showed up at church, who’s to say she’d go for him?  Most men, when faced with the choice of a real live woman who takes care of herself vs. his imagination, will choose the real live woman.)

FACE

After figures, most men are interested in a woman’s face.  While underlying bone structure more or less determines who’s the fairest of them all, every woman can maximize her facial beauty by taking care of her skin and smartly using makeup to enhance her best features and downplay her, um, not so perfect ones.

– Complexion

A good complexion is a marker of good health, which, for obvious reasons, is attractive.  Eating right and drinking water will improve anyone’s complexion.  Also, find a skin care regimen that works for you.  It doesn’t have to be expensive, but you should be cleansing your face in the morning and at night before you go to bed.  Also, use moisturizer.  Moisturizer keeps the skin hydrated, which allows light to reflect more evenly and gives you a more youthful, luminous glow.  Finally, use sunscreen to help protect yourself from sun damage, which will age your skin.  A lot of moisturizers come in versions that include sunscreen, so you can kill two birds with one stone.  (My skincare for years has been Mary Kay’s Timewise cleanser for oily skin and moisturizer with SPF 15.  I have tried other products periodically, but none have kept me from breaking out and made my skin soft the way that the MK Timewise does.)

– Brows

Brows are an area that is often ignored by fashion and beauty articles.  Well-groomed eyebrows will make your face look more refined and more feminine.  If you’ve never had your brows waxed (or threaded), especially if you have thick or bushy brows, consider having your brows done.*  Done right, they will help shape your face, open up your expression, and draw more attention to your eyes.  If you have thin, light eyebrows, you can fill in your brows with a brow pencil or powder.  Brows that are too dark and overpowering can be lightened with bleach.

* Make sure your brows are done by an esthetician.  Hairdressers usually don’t specialize in brows, making it more probable that the experience will hurt and/or that she will mess up in some way.  I know this from personal experience.

– Makeup

There is actually some debate in Christian circles over whether or not women should wear makeup.  I obviously think it’s okay, but I don’t think any woman should feel pressured to wear it because otherwise she’s a failure as a woman.

The basic purpose of makeup is to enhance your best features and downplay your worst ones.  Exactly how much makeup or the types of products you use are up to your preference, but a good makeup job will not draw attention to the makeup.  It also doesn’t matter so much whether you use expensive or drugstore products.  Everyone’s skin is different and will react to makeup differently.  What I do like about higher-end makeup, though, are a couple of things.  One is the opportunity to test it in the store at the counter.  Just because it looks a certain way in the tube doesn’t mean it’s going to look that way on your face — or stay that color as you’re wearing it.  I also think higher-end stuff has better color selection for foundations…I find that drugstore foundations tend to be too pink or too peachy.  The other main reason is that I generally find higher-end makeup to wear better:  it goes on more smoothly, it blends more easily, it lasts longer, and you don’t need to use as much as you would with cheaper stuff.

If you’re not very familiar with makeup, here’s a quick primer on different products and their uses:

Foundation – Used to even out your skin tone, hide blemishes and redness.  Comes in liquid, powder, or creme forms; finish can be matte or luminous.  Foundation should match your skin tone and not leave a visible line of demarcation on your jaw line; your face and neck should match.  Good foundation also helps to control oil and shine on the face.  For those not needing the coverage of foundation, tinted moisturizer is a sheer option.  Foundation is often set with loose or pressed powder.  (You just dust it over your face with a brush or puff.)

Blush – Highlights the cheeks, can also be used to contour the face (e.g., make a round face or nose look narrower, shorten a long face, accentuate the cheekbones).  Comes in powder and creme forms.

Mascara – Lengthens, thickens, and/or adds curl to lashes.  Gives color to pale lashes.  The most common colors are black and brown, but you can also find blues, greens, and purples.  If you have small eyes, using a lash curler before applying mascara can help your eyes look larger.

Lipstick – Adds color to the lips.  Intensity ranges from sheer to shiny to matte…really, every finish and color are available.  Lip gloss adds shine to the lips and also comes in a variety of colors, though the pigmentation won’t be as intense as with lipstick (ergo, a good choice for a younger girl).

In my opinion, these four products are the main ones you need for a basic, everyday face.  If you want to add more emphasis to the eyes, you can use eyeliner and eyeshadow, but these can be a little trickier to use.  A lot of women make the mistake of not blending and using colors that are too harsh for their skin tone, so they end up looking like raccoons with hard, black lines ringing their eyes.  This is a cheap look.  You want to avoid that.

For some good makeup tutorials, I recommend the pixiwoo channel on YouTube.  It’s run by a couple of English sisters who are professional makeup artists.  They know their stuff, plus they’re very personable and lots of fun to listen to with their accents.

Oops, this post got really long, so I’m going to split it into two parts.  Stay tuned for my Very Important thoughts on fashion.

Do men and women ever agree on looks?

I am often surprised at which famous women men find attractive.  Almost all famous women are objectively physically attractive; that is to say, while some of them may not be bombshells or traffic stoppers, no one would rank them in the lower half of attractiveness if grouped with nine other random women from Averagetown, U.S.A.  Yes, even without their hair, makeup, and wardrobe done by Hollywood professionals, these women would still be ranked in the top half, probably top third, of attractiveness in comparison with a truly random sampling of women of similar age.

But what makes a woman cross over into gorgeous or hot territory, in a man’s opinion?  (Besides big boobs, I mean.)  I worked with someone once who said he thought Hilary Duff was hot.  My jaw just about hit the ground.  Speaking as a woman:  cute, yes.  Hot?  NO.  I just read a comment on a blog that said that Lauren Conrad of The Hills was gorgeous.  Again:  cute, yes.  Gorgeous?  That’s stretching it a little, unless your standard definition of gorgeous is “generic Orange County co-ed.”  And what about the men who think actresses like Natalie Portman and Kristin Kreuk are hot?  I see beautiful faces paired with bodies shaped like an adolescent boy’s.  That’s supposed to be hot?

I think that for women, beauty in other women is aspirational.  Women look for the women whose perfect proportions don’t seem like work at all.  And those women are rare.  We see very easily the slightly too wide shoulders, the narrow hips, the brows that need constant grooming or they’ll hijack the face, the body that needs a strict diet and exercise to stay so thin.  It’s hard for women, even the most attractive ones, to hide imperfections from the critical eyes of other women.  Men, on the other hand, seem to have much simpler criteria and not as stringent standards.  I suppose this should be comforting…except for the fact that most of us will never come close to looking as good as a famous woman, and most men will never have a chance with one.

Any male readers care to enlighten?

Presentation is of the essence: men’s edition

I read a lot of howling by men on the internet that women are no longer attractive because they don’t take care of their appearance.  I’m not going to argue against this because it’s too often true (I think in the Church, at least, this stems from a feminist, legalistic interpretation of some key verses), but women can say the same thing about men.  While men’s looks don’t matter to women as much as the other way around, they do still matter.  Presentation is of the essence, as the saying goes, and an otherwise worthy man can torpedo his chances with women if the presentation is not good.  How can a man maximize his presentation?  By tending to the three Fs – fitness, follicles, and fashion.

FITNESS

Most women are not obsessed with dating a modelesque hardbody.  (Most women are actually intimidated by a man with an amazing physique.)  What most women want is something resembling a general state of health relative to your bone structure.  This means that if you’re skinny, it’s okay to be skinny.  If you’re stocky, it’s okay to be stocky.  Women like all sorts of body types.  Just don’t look like you’re a candidate for The Biggest Loser (or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, for Intervention).  Bottom line:  unless being ripped is your passion, it’s not necessary to go kill yourself at the gym and add a scoop of protein powder to every meal in order to know the love of a woman.

That said…I’m not aware of any woman who says “eh, whatevs” to good muscle tone.  If you’re not fat but are squishy to the touch, you might want to get more exercise than just walking to your car and into your cubicle, and back to your car each day.  Look at it this way:  someday a woman may touch your bicep.  If you have a squishy bicep, she won’t like you any less, but if you have a nice, solid bicep, she will definitely be put on alert that you’ve got a body beneath your shirt, and she’ll also tell all of her girlfriends about it.  Not trying to ~awaken love before it is ready~ here, just stating the facts. :)

Also, eat some vegetables and fruits and stop eating Stouffer’s for every meal.  And stop drinking so much alcohol (if you happen to be of that persuasion).  All alcohol is is a ton of empty calories that leads to a swollen gut and swollen face.  Not sexy.

FOLLICLES

A good haircut can do a world of good for a man’s looks.  (See:  McDreamy on Grey’s Anatomy or David Cook after his hair makeover on American Idol.)  It can make a man look sophisticated or mysterious, or add playfulness or gravity to his face.  It can also make a man look bland and uninteresting if executed poorly.  If you have the same haircut you’ve had since second grade, it might be time to reevaluate your hairstyle.  Sometimes even a minor change can make a world of difference.

If you are losing your hair, you can always do the preemptive head shave, but I only recommend this if you have the head shape for it.  Some men don’t, and end up looking like chemo patients instead of Mr. Clean.  Short buzz cuts are currently in style and can be a better option if the chrome dome thing isn’t for you.  Just, whatever you do, don’t do the combover where the part starts at your ear, and don’t wear fake hair.

Be aware that a new, better haircut will probably cost more and may require more upkeep.  If you don’t like that, then I hope you’re not the guy who also complains that girls wear their hair in ponytails too much instead of having sexy, perfect blow-out hair every day.

FASHION

Dress for success.  A man who outdresses the competition has a significant advantage with women.  You don’t have to be flashy; you just have to stand out.  This doesn’t mean showing up in a suit when everyone else is dressed in jeans, or wearing five layers of clothing when one will do.  It does mean things like wearing a blazer to a social gathering when the other guys will be wearing “stylish dude” T-shirts.  (You know what I’m talking about; this current craze of vaguely gothic patterns on a black or gray T-shirt.)  It means wearing a bolder color than what the other guys are wearing and not acting apologetic because you’re afraid it might make you seem a little g a y.  It means a bracelet or a necklace or an eye-catching watch or a snazzy pair of shoes.  Women notice everything, so they will definitely notice if you look like you put a little more thought and effort into your outfit than the rest of the guys whose main consideration is “is it mostly clean?”.

So, with this principle of standing out in mind, here are some tips that can help:

– Good fit and drape of fabric

In my opinion, proper fit and drape of clothing are just as important as style and color.  Pants should fit at or slightly below the waist.  They should NOT hang halfway down your butt so we can see what kind of boxers you’re wearing today.  They should also not bunch a lot at the ankles; get them tailored if they’re too long.  Shirts should not be extra baggy.  Button-downs should not “blouse” if you tuck them in.  Jackets should not be too wide in the shoulders or too long in the sleeves; again, go to a tailor to fix these problems.  You shouldn’t look like you are swimming in your clothing.  If you look like you can fit a second you inside any garment, it’s too big.

– Color

I noticed the other day when taking a quick stroll through the men’s section of a department store that most men’s clothing comes in very drab colors.  Lots of varieties of browns, olive greens, blue-grays, grays, and some black.  Snore.  More sedate colors are fine for the office, but a little pop of color in social situations is very welcome.  Be the guy who wears the pink or lavendar knit polo shirt.  I guarantee you that women will come up to you and talk about your shirt – and from there you can segue into other topics, like how cool you are what you liked best about Fireproof.  Women will not, however, make a point of talking to you if you’re wearing a beige knit polo shirt absent other factors such as good looks or being funny.

Color also can play up your features, like flatter your skin tone or enhance the color of your eyes.  If you have blue, green, or hazel eyes, certain colors will make your eyes look amazing.  Women love amazing eyes.  If your eyes look amazing, women may also make a point of talking to you by complimenting your eyes.

– Style

Generally, you want to project sophistication, even when dressing casually.  Good fit and drape will take care of a lot of this.  You also want to look contemporary, but not ultra trendy, unless you run with a hipster crowd.  Avoid popped collars, really tight shirts and pants, anything Ed Hardy, “shants” that end somewhere between your knee and ankle, tank tops unless you have a toned upper body, ’80s style jackets with the sleeves pushed up to your elbows, bowling shirts, Hawaiian shirts, T-shirts with cheeky slogans, and by all means do not wear a white crew-neck T-shirt underneath a button-down shirt with the top button unbuttoned.  Use caution with V-necks; if you’re overweight, don’t go there.  Also use caution with stylish dude T-shirts or stylish dude polos (the kind with the enormous logo on the breast); again, if you’re not pretty fit or young-ish, you might end up looking like you’re trying too hard.

Which reminds me — your style should look natural on you.  You should not look like the clothes are wearing you; instead, they should be an extension of your personality.  If you’re walking around like the tags are still on the clothes, you’re not wearing a style that works for you.

Finally, I probably don’t need to mention this, but just to be on the safe side:  shower regularly, shave or keep facial hair neat, brush and floss your teeth, keep your fingernails and toenails trimmed and clean (the number of men I’ve seen with grimy bear claws is…not good), and don’t douse yourself with cologne.  A woman doesn’t want to choke when she gets within a 5-foot radius of you just because you went crazy with the Cool Water.