The most famous chastity story of all time?

No, I’m not referring to Britney Spears circa 1999-2001.

I was thinking the other day about the Bible story of Joseph and Potiphar’s wife.  For those who are woefully ignorant unfamiliar, basically what happens is that Joseph, one of Jacob’s twelve sons, is sold into slavery by his jealous older brothers.  He is purchased by Potiphar, the Egyptian Pharaoh’s captain of the guard.  God gives Joseph success in everything he does, and Joseph rises through the servant ranks.  Eventually, Potiphar puts Joseph in charge of his entire household, which prospers as a result.  Unsurprisingly, Potiphar’s wife starts getting massive gina tingles, to use a Roissy-ism noticing that Joseph has both a great face and great bod, and eventually starts coming on to him.  Joseph, however, respects both God and Potiphar and refuses Mrs. Potiphar, explaining that he cannot betray his master or sin against God by sleeping with her.  Joseph starts to avoid Mrs. Potiphar, who only finds this resistance more gina-tingling refuses to take no for an answer and continues her pursuit.

One day Mrs. Potiphar manages to corner Joseph when the house is empty.  According to the biblical account, she grabs his cloak and once again asks Joseph to sleep with her, but he runs out of the house, leaving the cloak in her hands.  Mrs. Potiphar then calls to her servants and accuses Joseph of trying to rape her.  She holds on to Joseph’s cloak and waits for Potiphar to come home.  She then repeats her fake rape attempt story to her husband, who flies into a rage and has Joseph thrown into jail.  (The story ends well:  Joseph prospers in jail just as he did in Potiphar’s household and eventually is put in charge of the prison, and one thing leads to another and blah-de-blah ends up being Pharaoh’s Number One, saves Egypt from famine, and ends up having a happy reunion with his family.)

The Bible doesn’t give us any details about Potiphar’s wife other than that she tried to seduce Joseph and, when spurned, epitomized “hell hath no fury” revenge.  As a result, it’s very easy to superimpose your own image of what Potiphar’s wife must have been like.  When I was growing up, I always pictured her as a cougar-ish, menopausal woman who was clearly past the prime of her beauty but accustomed to wealth and privilege.  I imagined her heavily-made up eyes following Joseph around like a hungry hawk, and her pouncing on him unawares, aggressively demanding sex at random times.  I imagined her howling like a banshee and her indulgent husband white knighting for her honor.  And as far as I can recall, no pastor or speaker that I’ve listened to has ever presented a really different idea of what Potiphar’s wife was like.

It’s very possible that Potiphar’s wife really was a menopausal cougar, an Ancient Egyptian crazy lady who refused to accept that she’d grown old and unattractive to men and basically had a psychotic breakdown when confronted with reality.  There’s nothing about this take on Mrs. Potiphar that doesn’t jive with Scripture, or feminine nature as we know it today.  Any woman who’s brazenly thrown herself at a man and been rejected usually suffers a horrible mixture of rage, embarrassment, and depression all at once.  Mrs. Potiphar’s reaction, while a bit extreme, really isn’t anything out of the ordinary, especially if you watch a lot of Cops or any of the myriad of judge shows on afternoon TV.

More recently, though, in light of reading some Game blogs, I’ve started to rethink my idea of Potiphar’s wife.  For starters, if Mrs. Potiphar were old and menopausal and therefore not all that attractive to a younger man whose own attractiveness was starting to peak, would it have been such an issue to turn her down?  Why would Joseph’s refusal seem to contain an element of regret?  Gen. 39:8-9 says,

“But he refused.  ‘With me in charge,’ he told her, ‘my master does not concern himself with anything in the house; everything he owns he has entrusted to my care.  No one is greater in this house than I am.  My master has withheld nothing from me except you, because you are his wife.  How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?'”

This doesn’t sound like a dude saying, in essence, “Mrs. Potiphar, I’m not the kind of guy who sleeps with his boss’s wife, but even if I were, well…I’m, uh, just not that into you.”  Instead, Joseph seems to be saying, “Look, you’re really attractive, and if the circumstances were different, maybe we’d have a chance.  But because things are the way they are, we don’t and can’t.  I’m sorry.  You need to accept this.”  Another point to consider is that Potiphar was a very powerful man.  As captain of the guard, not many men in Egypt had higher social standing than Potiphar.  It seems very believable that Potiphar would have had a young, beautiful trophy wife rather than an aging crone of a wife.  Maybe Mrs. Potiphar was even the second or third Mrs. Potiphar (the previous ones being “retired” as Potiphar ascended in rank).

The story takes on a much more dramatically and emotionally interesting read when you put a young, gorgeous, attentive, and admiring Mrs. Potiphar into the story.  It wouldn’t have been (as) hard for Joseph to turn down a 40-something, papyrus-skinned Mrs. Potiphar whose bathroom was stocked with twenty different Jewel of the Nile anti-aging cold creams and mud masks.  I imagine it would have been painfully difficult to turn down a soft-bodied, sweet-smelling, lush-lipped Mrs. Potiphar who was always impressed by the way he did things and never failed to say so, who might have teased him about finding the right girl for him while looking at him from under long, sooty lashes, who was open about being lonely and not able to relate to her much-older, always busy, never there husband.

It’s easy to imagine this scenario:  New slave Joseph proves again and again that he’s very good at whatever task he is given, and what’s more, he doesn’t gripe or complain.  The other servants like and respect him, and Potiphar starts to realize that Joseph is a much better administrator than the guy who’s currently in charge of the house.  Potiphar says “smell ya later” to the current guy and puts Joseph in charge of the household.

With Joseph in charge, the household has never run better.  It’s clean and organized, bills are paid on time, the other servants are getting along and are more productive, and Joseph is even talking about getting those long-put-off renovations taken care of.  Potiphar is thrilled and wonders why he didn’t put Joseph in charge much earlier.  At night, Potiphar talks up Joseph to his gorgeous new wife, who agrees that Joseph is doing a great job and mentally makes a note to take a closer look at Joseph herself.

Joseph notices that Mrs. Potiphar is being more friendly these days.  She also looks and smells amazing as she teases him about his cute accent.  Joseph reminds her that he’s busy, but he’s struck by her charm.  His boss is a lucky man.

Joseph is inspecting part of the property with another servant, making notes for improvements, when Mrs. Potiphar joins them.  Joseph greets her with a smile and begins to tell her about his tentative plans to landscape the area.  Mrs. Potiphar listens politely for a few minutes, then dismisses the other servant, saying she has business to discuss with Joseph.  Joseph asks her what she needs help with.  Mrs. Potiphar says that her husband is going to be out of town for a few days.  Joseph says that Potiphar had recently informed him — just a business trip, nothing major.  Mrs. Potiphar lays a hand on Joseph’s arm and says that they can get to know each other better while her husband is away.  Every hair on Joseph’s body stands on end.  He jokes that they know each other pretty well already, as he can name her favorite foods, how she likes her clothes laundered, and what her favorite song is.  Mrs. Potiphar tells Joseph that she knows he can feel the chemistry between them and that it’s not wrong.  And they get along so well, Joseph really gets her, unlike her husband.  She asks Joseph if he’s ever wondered what it would be like to be with her.  Joseph’s brain is about to explode — she’s standing so near, it would be so easy to take a taste — and then somehow all of his convictions about God and his morals come rushing back, and he removes her hand from his arm and tells her that she is the one thing he cannot have, and that he could not betray his master nor sin against God this way.  To his surprise, Mrs. Potiphar doesn’t seem disappointed; oddly enough, she seems charmed.  Joseph quickly excuses himself and goes back to the house.

Joseph does everything in his power not to be in the same room as Mrs. Potiphar.  When she enters a room, he leaves.  When she calls for him, he sends another servant in his place.  But he can’t avoid her always, and he endures some very tension-filled moments where he tries not to look her directly in the eyes.  At night he prays for relief from the situation, but none seems to come.  Things get to the point where the other servants have started whispering about them.

One day Joseph goes to the house to look for some documents in storage.  The house is quiet since all of the other servants are outside.  Joseph opens the closet where Potiphar keeps his files and is so deep in thought mode that he doesn’t notice that someone else has entered the room.  A rush of cool air on his back — his cloak — he spins around to see his master’s wife clutching his cloak to her chest, her eyes full of feminine victory.  He stammers her name — she presses a finger to his lips as she comes closer.  “I’m yours,” she says, and now her hands are touching his chest.  “You can have me however you want.”  Joseph tries to speak — no words come — her touch burns trails of fire — all his blood — her tunic drops to the floor  — “I’ve given the servants a lot of work.  We won’t be bothered.”  Suddenly he receives a bright-white moment of clarity — and he runs — runs hard — past the servants — to the most distant corner of the property.

Inside the house, Potiphar’s wife is stunned and embarrassed.  Joseph left.  He ran.  He ran away from her, when she offered him the finest curves he could ever hope to find in all of Egypt.  She picks up her tunic and starts to redress — and then it occurs to her:  what if he tells Potiphar, or word somehow leaks out?  Potiphar adores Joseph, like a combination of a brother and a son.  Fear paralyzes her for a moment; Potiphar is a permissive husband but very possessive.  He will not suffer a wayward wife.  Self-preservation kicks in, along with a hot streak of anger.  Joseph just made a huge mistake.  He didn’t know who he was messing with.  No one walks away from her and gets off scott free.  She screams, then screams louder.  She hears the sound of running footsteps, and within seconds, two servants burst into the room.  Potiphar’s wife clutches her tunic to her body with one hand.  In the other hand she holds Joseph’s cloak.  “He tried to rape me!” she screams.

When Potiphar arrives home from work, the atmosphere at the house is chillingly subdued.  A servant greets him.  “Your wife would like to speak with you.”

Potiphar finds his wife lying in bed, disheveled and listless.  He asks what’s wrong, and she tells him.  Potiphar can hardly believe it — but his wife wouldn’t lie — of course Joseph would have tried to take her, she’s beautiful, and Potiphar had given Joseph too much power.  A seed of anger bursts into a raging fire.  He yells to his servants.

As Joseph is being escorted out of the house, Potiphar can’t bear to watch.  As angry as he is about Joseph’s betrayal, he can’t help but feel pain at losing the best house manager, and maybe even friend, he’s ever had.  Kid was so promising.  Such a shame.

Where the boys are…I think.

One of the big frustrations of single Christian women is that single Christian men are scarce.  By “single Christian men,” I mean men who are active, practicing, unmarried Christians who attend church regularly, not Chreasters or “I go to church when I remember…once every three months…if I’m not too hungover.”  (It seems silly to have to qualify this, but based on the adventures of one of my friends with eHarmony, it’s necessary.)  I was going to write up a post discussing where the boys might be and all of the related pros and cons, but then I figured that a table would be far easier to digest.  (Plus, I love tables.)

LOCATION	PROS	CONS
The church you attend	Preselection/social proof Likelihood of agreement on core beliefs	Fierce competition Overfamiliarity Post-college, usually all the “good ones” are taken
Another church	Fresh dating pool	Lack of social proof/preselection unless you commit time to small group/social events Fierce competition Post-college, usually all the “good ones” are taken
Christian organization	Fresh dating pool Preselection/social proof	Male Christian workers are almost always married or already in a relationship leading to marriage Fierce competition Post-college, usually all the “good ones” are taken
Random encounter	Intrigue of new/unknown	Lack of social proof/preselection “Good ones” not a very large percentage of population, decreasing likelihood of random meeting Post-college, usually all the “good ones” are taken
Christian blog comments	Can get to know each other through the exchange of ideas without bringing looks into the equation Already have a common interest	May be separated by a lot of physical distance Willingness to relocate could be an issue Person’s real-life personality might be different from online personality Person’s looks might kill all of the attraction
Friend and relative network	People already know you and (hopefully) what would make a good match for you Familial/friend-based preselection/social proof – person is already vetted Person will actually be single and available	People may not know you and your preferences well enough Pressure of expectations Family and friends lack connections

LOCATION	PROS	CONS
The church you attend	Preselection/social proof Likelihood of agreement of core beliefs	Fierce competition Overfamiliarity Post college, usually all the “good ones” are taken
Another church	Fresh dating pool	Lack of social proof/preselection unless commit time to small group/social events Fierce competition Post college, usually all the “good ones” are taken
Christian organization	Fresh dating pool Preselection/social proof	Male Christian workers are almost always married or already in a relationship leading to marriage Fierce competition Post college, usually all the “good ones” are taken
Random encounter	Intrigue of new/unknown	Lack of social proof/preselection “Good ones” not a very large percentage of population, increasing unlikelihood of random meeting Post college, usually all the “good ones” are taken
Christian blog comments	Can get to know each other through the exchange of ideas without bringing looks into the equation Already have a common interest	May be separated by a lot of physical distance/willingness to relocate may become an issue Person’s real-life personality might be different from online personality Person’s looks might kill all of the attraction

Don’t be these guys, Vol. 1.

There are a couple of message boards that I skim read pretty regularly that are mainly populated by women in their 20s-40s.  This means that there tends to be a fair amount of relationship talk.  For anyone with traditional values, most of it is a little depressing since most of the women are feminists (or are brainwashed by feminist principles) who have not yet hit the Wall and are clearly operating under the assumption that they will always be able to attract men as easily as they do now — therefore their feelings take utmost precedence in their decision-making.  I was skimming reading today and came across a couple of relationship threads that made me shake my head regarding both the men who are discussed and the OPs’ treatment of them.

Guys, don’t be these guys.

THREAD 1:

OP brags advertises in the subject line that her boyfriend asked her to marry him but she said no.  In the post she says that she feels “horrible” about it but that it had nothing to do with her boyfriend, plus he knew beforehand that she never wanted to get married.  Despite this apparent knowledge, he proposed anyway and then seemed “disappointed” when he got rejected.  The rest of the posters divide into two groups, one in support of the OP, the other warning her that this could be the beginning of the end, but most of them congratulate the OP for her honesty and agree that not only does marriage have little significance in the area of commitment (this despite the documented increased volatility of non-marital unions), no one should stay in a marriage if she is “unhappy.”  The posters generally agree that there will always be “someone else” if the boyfriend walks.

Later the OP returns to the thread to inform everyone that she and her boyfriend “talked” and that the boyfriend apologized to her for assuming she would say yes.  Yes, he APOLOGIZED.  OP reports that this “talk” lasted TWO HOURS.

I feel like the takeaway lessons from this story should be obvious, but anyhow:  Men, if you want to get married, then don’t date a woman who says she NEVER wants to get married and believes her feelings love for you is equivalent or even better.  Sure, you might be the superhero to change her mind…but you might not.  Why waste your energy on a woman who’s a tough sell as opposed to a woman who really does want to be married?  Second, NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR PROPOSING.  My goodness.  If you want to marry someone, then I very well hope that you are prepared to lead in all aspects of the relationship and won’t wither in the face of a woman’s disgruntled vanity.  Third, never discuss a woman’s feelings with her for any amount of time over, say, thirty minutes, tops.  What could the OP and her boyfriend possibly have discussed for that long without running around in circles with the woman continually gaining momentum against the man?  The longer you let her run on, the less authority you have in the relationship.  Probably what happened here is that the OP browbeat her boyfriend for well over an hour for disturbing her feelings.  No wonder she doesn’t want to marry him.  The real question is why he wanted to marry her.

THREAD 2:

OP is a med student who has been pining away for a guy in her program for the past two years.  She deeply regrets not telling him that she’s in love with him.  They are on the verge of graduation and will soon be going their separate ways, so OP asks for advice about how to tell this guy about her feelings.  (Anyone who’s read my blog lately knows my feelings on the topic.)  Of course, in a show of female wishful thinking solidarity, the other posters rally around her, telling her to invite him out for dinner, get some drinks in her, and spill her guts.

Later in the thread, OP reports back, saying that she did exactly as the posters suggested and…drum roll, please…their advice WORKED.  (Hey, it happens every once in a blue moon.)  After exams, she and her friend went out to a “nice steakhouse” where she worked up the courage and blurted out her feelings to him.  The guy then admitted that he’s been feeling the exact same way.  OP says that they concluded that they both used their coursework as a reason not to take a risk and that each other was the reason they hadn’t dated anyone else in the entire time of their program.  OP then says that the evening went perfectly and hints that they slept together because she had just arrived home (and apparently sprinted to the computer) and the timestamp was in the morning.  Plus, they found out that they would be doing residencies in the same city.  Much cheering from the peanut gallery commences.

On its face, this is the kind of story that makes women swoon because it is very much like something out of a movie where you’ve been pining and pining and pining and the guy actually reciprocates your feelings.  But what is ennobling about this story from the man’s point of view?  What kind of man hides behind coursework as an excuse not to date anyone for two years?  Especially when the woman is a close friend and others have pointed out that they should date?  What kind of man lets the woman take all the emotional risk in the relationship?  It seems to me like this dude would have been content to let the relationship simmer in sexual frustration indefinitely if the OP hadn’t taken the reins.  At the beginning of the story, the OP didn’t even know if they would be assigned to the same area for their residency — it sounds like this guy was willing to let the OP drift out of his life without even once making a move.  That’s not love.  That’s ambivalence at best and cowardice at worst.

It’ll be interesting to see (if we ever get to find out) how this relationship progresses once the OP and this guy are out of the med school bubble and are working long hours at different hospitals.  My guess is that once the initial relationship euphoria wears off, the guy’s natural reluctance to lead will start to kill off the OP’s attraction to him.  Pining from a distance and actually being involved in a relationship are two different things.

Dating: payment optional?

Thanks to the sexual revolution, it’s nearly impossible to determine who pays for a date.  Traditionally, it was the man — but that was also a time when men were the only ones doing the asking for dates in the first place.  Now that it’s socially acceptable for women to ask, everyone’s all confused.  When a woman asks for a date and then offers to pay, you get one of four outcomes:

1. Man accepts and feels emasculated.
2. Man declines and after much tussling, pays for both.  Man’s dignity is intact, woman is secretly relieved/impressed but now feels robbed of the power she had when she did the asking out.  (If the woman really likes the man, this is usually good.  If she’s on the fence or not sure, this is awkward and uncomfortable.)
3. Man declines and woman refuses to take no for an answer.  See Outcome #1.
4. Man and woman decide to go dutch.  Both feel a measure of relief/awkwardness/disappointment.

A lot of this awkwardness can be avoided if women just let men do the asking for dates, but women sometimes will try to pay for their share even if the man does the asking.  Usually the reason for this is that the woman doesn’t want to feel obligated to put out for the man at the end of the night (MAN:  “You got a burger, now I get to put my tongue down your throat!”  WOMAN: “That’s why I ordered all the onions.”), or she isn’t that interested in the man and doesn’t want to give him the impression that she likes him (i.e., she will make a show of independence to decrease his attraction to her), or she wants to make a good impression and show that she’s a contributor, not a taker (i.e., not a dinner whore).

I think the best solution to these issues is not to go on expensive dates.  The issues mainly arise at the very beginning of a relationship, so why invest a lot of money to begin with?  The point at this stage of the game is to get to know each other better in a one-on-one situation; you don’t need to go anywhere fancy to do that, and a casual environment will also relieve some of the getting-to-know-you pressure.  Additionally, most women will feel petty or silly if they try to force a man not to spend $10 or less on her.  If they put up [token] resistance (“Oh, you don’t have to pay for me, I’ve got it”), a man should just say, “I asked you on a date.  I’m paying for you,” and let that be it.  If she presses the issue (“Are you sure?”), reply “What did I just say?” firmly but with a little twinkle in your eye.  Whatever you do, do not get into a debate/back-and-forth on the issue.  Settle it calmly and decisively with your manly authority.  If a woman really puts up a fuss, don’t ask her out again.

“But what if she thinks I’m cheap?”  If a woman is expecting an “experience” for a first or early-relationship date, you probably don’t want to be dating her in the first place.  A good rule of thumb, though, is that the inexpense should be proportional to how much you earn.  If you’re a pauper, she’ll understand that all you can afford is the value menu.  If you’re making six figures or more, the value menu will seem cheap so aim a little higher than that.  A good option for a wealthier man is to go somewhere with no cost at all, like a park or museum, or a fun, interactive, inexpensive activity such as miniature golf, or someplace that seems rich but won’t cost you much overall (like window shopping at an upscale mall but eating at the food court).

A couple of final comments:  one, a date should always obviously be a date.  Say the word “date”; this will eliminate a lot of confusion.  Also (men), reach for the check right away when it comes out.  This assures the woman that you do intend to pay.  The longer the check sits there unattended, the more she will wonder if you want her to offer to pay her part, and fret about what to do.  If you’re at a restaurant where you pay at the time you place your order, just get in line ahead of her, tell the cashier that you’re together, and then ask your date to order.

Did Halle Berry seal her own fate?

Yes, I am a stereotypical woman in that I enjoy reading about celebrities, seeing what they’re wearing, and dissecting their life mistakes choices.  It’s not so much a lifestyle aspiration (I live in Los Angeles and work in the entertainment industry, so I’ve gotten to see a lot of celebrities up close; most are uninteresting when the cameras are not rolling) as it is a perfect storm of things I like to analyze — faces, fashion, and behavior — all wrapped into one.  Basically celebrity trash magazines and blogs are like Super Wal-Marts of my interests…um, besides poring over John and Stasi Eldredge books, I mean.  Yeah!  Woo hoo!  Captivating 4eva!

Evangelicals spend a lot of time trashing Hollywood, not entirely without reason — Hollywood produces a lot of trash.  (Christian productions produce a lot of trash, too, but when the litmus test of trash vs. non-trash is “does it have an ~uplifting, heart-warming message that’s suitable for the whole family?”, trash production is an impossible thing to acknowledge.)  Anyhow, I see Hollywood not so much as something to denounce with the pointing finger of moral superiority but as the clearest possible picture of our sinful nature.  It is an unvarnished reflection of what lies in all of our hearts.  The only thing that separates most Hollywood behavior from our own is opportunity.  Remove all social and moral restrictions, and surround yourself with enablers and the most beautiful and powerful people of the opposite sex — the most sexually irresistible people in the world — and it’s not hard to see why celebrity after celebrity falls off the holiness wagon.

Last week news broke that 50% mega-famous, 100% gorgeous couple Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry have split up.  (Gabriel is a male model who is the father of Halle’s 2-year-old daughter.)  They were together for four or five years, which in Hollywood time is pretty impressive.  The only thing surprising to me about this break-up was that fans were surprised.  Applying a Game analysis to the Berry/Aubry relationship, the reasons for the break-up quickly become obvious:  Halle, despite being acknowledged as one of the most beautiful women alive, is 43 and about to hit the Wall, if she hasn’t already.  Gabriel, on the other hand, is only 34.  At the time they began dating, Halle was still near the peak of her looks while Gabriel was still ascending in value.  Now, however, the tables are beginning to turn.  Halle is aging out of the fertility market, while Gabriel is just beginning to peak in his attractiveness to women.  (Obviously, being a gorgeous and successful male model, his attractiveness was high to begin with, but now he has maturity to add to his menu of scrumptious offerings, not to mention the insanely high preselection value of having dated a woman as beautiful as Halle.)  In addition, Halle got the baby she had always wanted and maybe didn’t tend to her relationship with Gabriel as before; I always got the impression that she valued having a baby over having a man.  Another important factor was probably the separation of the couple due to working in different places for extended periods of time.  Add in the unequal fame and earning power of the couple, the emotional baggage each brought to the relationship, and the extreme temptation of Hollywood, and voila!  Breakup.

Maybe the most predictive factor, though, was that Halle and Gabriel never married.  Halle is twice-divorced and has stated more than once that she has no intentions to marry again.  She told Ebony in 2004 that she wanted someone to “come and stay and be there because he wants to, not because he has a piece of paper saying he has to.”  Which is all very fine and noble, but…what if she and Gabriel had married?  Wouldn’t that have given Gabriel more incentive to stay with Halle and be an everyday father to their daughter?  Most divorces, after all, are initiated by women, and so far there hasn’t been gossip that Aubry is a player with a wandering eye.  Additionally, men generally stand to lose more (financially) in divorce, especially in California.  Despite being a community property state, it strongly favors mothers upon dissolution of a marriage.  I think it’s very possible that Halle Berry created a self-fulfilling prophecy for herself to lose a man by refusing to commit to him beyond mere feelings.  It takes two to tango, but beauty (which rapidly depreciates) and feelings (which come and go) are not the things you want to tie your hopes for a lasting relationship to.  There needs to be a stronger bond and reciprocal obligation between two people to weather the ups and downs of life, and in the vast majority of cases, that is marriage.

One thing you shouldn’t tell him.

On a message board I regularly read, there is a dating advice thread.  Sometimes the posts are entertaining, like when posters recount their adventures in online dating, but a lot of times posters genuinely seek advice or share personal stories, both triumphs and failures.  Today a female poster wrote that she had finally told a male friend that she liked him, only for him to tell her that not only did he not have those feelings for her, he was also secretly dating a mutual friend.  Quiver of arrows, straight to the heart.

The other posters all rallied around this girl, assuring her that she had done a brave thing and that the next time she did so, perhaps the outcome would be different.  They then recommended ice cream and booze as remedies.  I think it would have been kinder advice to tell her never to confess feelings for a man she wasn’t dating.

In general, feminist dating principles rarely lead to greater happiness for women.  Women’s magazines keep trying to encourage women to ask men out on dates and to make it seem chic and just the thing men are all dying for (the reasoning being that you, female reader, are just so bodacious that men tremble and lose their words in your presence), but the reality more often than not tends to be that a woman suffers disappointment and sometimes a severely crushed ego.  Usually what happens is that either the man accepts the date, but with no real enthusiasm, or he turns down the woman.  If a dating relationship does spring up, the woman will eventually become more and more agitated as she wishes to progress the level of emotional intimacy and commitment, while the man dawdles.  Finally, when the woman can take no more, she and the man break up, and the woman flips out when she discovers six months later that her ex-boyfriend just got engaged to his new girlfriend and they are getting married soon and have never been happier.

Similarly, when a woman confesses her attraction to a man when he hasn’t done anything to make her believe her feelings are reciprocated (like, you know, asking her on a date), disaster usually follows.  All the feminist orthodoxy in the world can’t change the fact that men are psychologically designed to be initiators.  It’s part of what makes them so relentlessly interested in competing and exploring and innovating — and pursuing romantically (although in these feminized times, it often doesn’t feel that way).  So when a woman takes matters into her own hands, so to speak, she’s thwarting natural design.  She’s taking the chance to initiate away from the man and robbing herself of the pleasure of being singled out.  It’s the “he’s just not that into you” principle:  if he wanted to date you — really, truly wanted to date you and kiss you and march around in public with your hand in his — then he would find a way to make it happen, especially if you were giving him loud signals to go ahead.  Your eager “help” is not necessary.  And, really, what do you think is going to happen when you do reveal the feelings that have been turning your insides out for the last however-many weeks?

YOU:  I have to tell you something.

HIM:  Uh, okay.

YOU:  It’s something that’s been on my heart and my mind for a while.

HIM:  Uh-huh.

YOU:  And I’ve been trying to hold it back, but I just can’t anymore.  I have to get it out.

HIM:  Okay…

YOU:  Sorry, I’m kind of nervous.

HIM:  It’s okay, just tell me.

YOU:  All right…I have feelings for you.

HIM:  OH, PRAISE THE LORD!  I HAVE BEEN PRAYING FOR THIS SINCE LAST JULY, YOU DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND!  THERE WERE SO MANY TIMES I WANTED TO ASK YOU OUT, BUT GOD HELD ME BACK, TELLING ME THAT YOU WOULD MAKE THE FIRST MOVE IF IT WAS HIS WILL!  OH, MAN, THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE! LET’S GO TO CHIK-FIL-A TO CELEBRATE!  I HAVE A COUPON!

Yeah, it usually doesn’t happen like that.  I know, the temptation is strong, and it seems so simple and rational, and your situation is going to turn out differently — but! — there is beauty in restraint.

Do men and women ever agree on looks?

I am often surprised at which famous women men find attractive.  Almost all famous women are objectively physically attractive; that is to say, while some of them may not be bombshells or traffic stoppers, no one would rank them in the lower half of attractiveness if grouped with nine other random women from Averagetown, U.S.A.  Yes, even without their hair, makeup, and wardrobe done by Hollywood professionals, these women would still be ranked in the top half, probably top third, of attractiveness in comparison with a truly random sampling of women of similar age.

But what makes a woman cross over into gorgeous or hot territory, in a man’s opinion?  (Besides big boobs, I mean.)  I worked with someone once who said he thought Hilary Duff was hot.  My jaw just about hit the ground.  Speaking as a woman:  cute, yes.  Hot?  NO.  I just read a comment on a blog that said that Lauren Conrad of The Hills was gorgeous.  Again:  cute, yes.  Gorgeous?  That’s stretching it a little, unless your standard definition of gorgeous is “generic Orange County co-ed.”  And what about the men who think actresses like Natalie Portman and Kristin Kreuk are hot?  I see beautiful faces paired with bodies shaped like an adolescent boy’s.  That’s supposed to be hot?

I think that for women, beauty in other women is aspirational.  Women look for the women whose perfect proportions don’t seem like work at all.  And those women are rare.  We see very easily the slightly too wide shoulders, the narrow hips, the brows that need constant grooming or they’ll hijack the face, the body that needs a strict diet and exercise to stay so thin.  It’s hard for women, even the most attractive ones, to hide imperfections from the critical eyes of other women.  Men, on the other hand, seem to have much simpler criteria and not as stringent standards.  I suppose this should be comforting…except for the fact that most of us will never come close to looking as good as a famous woman, and most men will never have a chance with one.

Any male readers care to enlighten?

Scenario: when phone calls don’t turn into dates.

Scenario*:

You are a twentysomething single woman.  You attend a weekly activity with other single young people.  One of those other young people is a young man.  (Let’s call him Flint.)

Flint sends you a lot of messages over Facebook, and you reciprocate.  You find yourself developing feelings for Flint.

You and Flint graduate to phone conversations which run long.  Flint expresses interest in you.  You invite Flint to a backyard barbecue with your family.  Flint attends and is a perfect gentleman.

You continue to have long phone conversations with Flint.  Finally you ask Flint what’s going on – is he ever going to ask you out like he’s been talking about?  You are abashed when Flint sounds genuinely taken aback and answers, “Eventually.”

Your friends advise you to cut off communication with Flint and go fishing in better waters, but you see Flint every week at your regular activity which you are very committed to.

What’s your next step?

(*This scenario is based on a real life situation where the single young people activity is a Bible study.  However, I think that has little bearing on what’s going on overall and the dynamics apply to any sort of regular coed group activity, Christian or not.)

Youth Group Guy

Anyone who has grown up in an evangelical setting is familiar with Youth Group Guy.  He’s the de facto social leader of the youth group by virtue of one or more of the following:  having the right parents, being willing to pray aloud in front of the entire youth group, being a part of the youth group’s praise band, being first in line to volunteer for outreach events, being eager to talk about his experiences on missions trips and how they Really Affected his relationship with God, being brave enough to confess to the youth group that he struggles with lust but somehow manages to treat all girls as if their looks don’t matter, promoting virginity via a True Love Waits or similar pledge, having A+ credentials in apologetics, always being the youth group’s number one supporter, being the youth pastor’s favorite and go-to guy for teen cred, and dressing better or at least more uniquely than all of the other guys in the youth group.  Sometimes he is considered “good-looking.”

Youth Group Guy typically has an extroverted, gregarious personality and loves to crack unfunny but safe, Christian-approved jokes.  Youth Group Guy lacks a sense of irony or sarcasm and has little use for subtext.  He tends to be proud that he is ignorant of popular culture and loves to denounce the evils of movies, television, and popular music.  He is convinced to his core that he is right and enjoys battling unbelievers on hot-button topics.

Youth Group Guy is usually deeply desired by a large percentage of girls in the youth group, who see him as the sexually pure spiritual leader of their future marriage.  He tends to treat all girls equally and doesn’t seem overly interested in girls, yet he always has a girlfriend, usually one of the choicest picks of the youth group (cute, nice, inoffensive, popular, wants to have lots of babies, sincerely loves Jesus).

Youth Group Guy’s future usually follows a track like this:  youth group superstar, goes to Bible college, majors in one of the liberal arts, acquires girlfriend who was homeschooled at least through eighth grade, graduates, gets married to college girlfriend, goes to the mission field or seminary, has a bunch of kids.

Sometimes I wish I could be attracted to Youth Group Guy.

Presentation is of the essence: men’s edition

I read a lot of howling by men on the internet that women are no longer attractive because they don’t take care of their appearance.  I’m not going to argue against this because it’s too often true (I think in the Church, at least, this stems from a feminist, legalistic interpretation of some key verses), but women can say the same thing about men.  While men’s looks don’t matter to women as much as the other way around, they do still matter.  Presentation is of the essence, as the saying goes, and an otherwise worthy man can torpedo his chances with women if the presentation is not good.  How can a man maximize his presentation?  By tending to the three Fs – fitness, follicles, and fashion.

FITNESS

Most women are not obsessed with dating a modelesque hardbody.  (Most women are actually intimidated by a man with an amazing physique.)  What most women want is something resembling a general state of health relative to your bone structure.  This means that if you’re skinny, it’s okay to be skinny.  If you’re stocky, it’s okay to be stocky.  Women like all sorts of body types.  Just don’t look like you’re a candidate for The Biggest Loser (or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, for Intervention).  Bottom line:  unless being ripped is your passion, it’s not necessary to go kill yourself at the gym and add a scoop of protein powder to every meal in order to know the love of a woman.

That said…I’m not aware of any woman who says “eh, whatevs” to good muscle tone.  If you’re not fat but are squishy to the touch, you might want to get more exercise than just walking to your car and into your cubicle, and back to your car each day.  Look at it this way:  someday a woman may touch your bicep.  If you have a squishy bicep, she won’t like you any less, but if you have a nice, solid bicep, she will definitely be put on alert that you’ve got a body beneath your shirt, and she’ll also tell all of her girlfriends about it.  Not trying to ~awaken love before it is ready~ here, just stating the facts. :)

Also, eat some vegetables and fruits and stop eating Stouffer’s for every meal.  And stop drinking so much alcohol (if you happen to be of that persuasion).  All alcohol is is a ton of empty calories that leads to a swollen gut and swollen face.  Not sexy.

FOLLICLES

A good haircut can do a world of good for a man’s looks.  (See:  McDreamy on Grey’s Anatomy or David Cook after his hair makeover on American Idol.)  It can make a man look sophisticated or mysterious, or add playfulness or gravity to his face.  It can also make a man look bland and uninteresting if executed poorly.  If you have the same haircut you’ve had since second grade, it might be time to reevaluate your hairstyle.  Sometimes even a minor change can make a world of difference.

If you are losing your hair, you can always do the preemptive head shave, but I only recommend this if you have the head shape for it.  Some men don’t, and end up looking like chemo patients instead of Mr. Clean.  Short buzz cuts are currently in style and can be a better option if the chrome dome thing isn’t for you.  Just, whatever you do, don’t do the combover where the part starts at your ear, and don’t wear fake hair.

Be aware that a new, better haircut will probably cost more and may require more upkeep.  If you don’t like that, then I hope you’re not the guy who also complains that girls wear their hair in ponytails too much instead of having sexy, perfect blow-out hair every day.

FASHION

Dress for success.  A man who outdresses the competition has a significant advantage with women.  You don’t have to be flashy; you just have to stand out.  This doesn’t mean showing up in a suit when everyone else is dressed in jeans, or wearing five layers of clothing when one will do.  It does mean things like wearing a blazer to a social gathering when the other guys will be wearing “stylish dude” T-shirts.  (You know what I’m talking about; this current craze of vaguely gothic patterns on a black or gray T-shirt.)  It means wearing a bolder color than what the other guys are wearing and not acting apologetic because you’re afraid it might make you seem a little g a y.  It means a bracelet or a necklace or an eye-catching watch or a snazzy pair of shoes.  Women notice everything, so they will definitely notice if you look like you put a little more thought and effort into your outfit than the rest of the guys whose main consideration is “is it mostly clean?”.

So, with this principle of standing out in mind, here are some tips that can help:

– Good fit and drape of fabric

In my opinion, proper fit and drape of clothing are just as important as style and color.  Pants should fit at or slightly below the waist.  They should NOT hang halfway down your butt so we can see what kind of boxers you’re wearing today.  They should also not bunch a lot at the ankles; get them tailored if they’re too long.  Shirts should not be extra baggy.  Button-downs should not “blouse” if you tuck them in.  Jackets should not be too wide in the shoulders or too long in the sleeves; again, go to a tailor to fix these problems.  You shouldn’t look like you are swimming in your clothing.  If you look like you can fit a second you inside any garment, it’s too big.

– Color

I noticed the other day when taking a quick stroll through the men’s section of a department store that most men’s clothing comes in very drab colors.  Lots of varieties of browns, olive greens, blue-grays, grays, and some black.  Snore.  More sedate colors are fine for the office, but a little pop of color in social situations is very welcome.  Be the guy who wears the pink or lavendar knit polo shirt.  I guarantee you that women will come up to you and talk about your shirt – and from there you can segue into other topics, like how cool you are what you liked best about Fireproof.  Women will not, however, make a point of talking to you if you’re wearing a beige knit polo shirt absent other factors such as good looks or being funny.

Color also can play up your features, like flatter your skin tone or enhance the color of your eyes.  If you have blue, green, or hazel eyes, certain colors will make your eyes look amazing.  Women love amazing eyes.  If your eyes look amazing, women may also make a point of talking to you by complimenting your eyes.

– Style

Generally, you want to project sophistication, even when dressing casually.  Good fit and drape will take care of a lot of this.  You also want to look contemporary, but not ultra trendy, unless you run with a hipster crowd.  Avoid popped collars, really tight shirts and pants, anything Ed Hardy, “shants” that end somewhere between your knee and ankle, tank tops unless you have a toned upper body, ’80s style jackets with the sleeves pushed up to your elbows, bowling shirts, Hawaiian shirts, T-shirts with cheeky slogans, and by all means do not wear a white crew-neck T-shirt underneath a button-down shirt with the top button unbuttoned.  Use caution with V-necks; if you’re overweight, don’t go there.  Also use caution with stylish dude T-shirts or stylish dude polos (the kind with the enormous logo on the breast); again, if you’re not pretty fit or young-ish, you might end up looking like you’re trying too hard.

Which reminds me — your style should look natural on you.  You should not look like the clothes are wearing you; instead, they should be an extension of your personality.  If you’re walking around like the tags are still on the clothes, you’re not wearing a style that works for you.

Finally, I probably don’t need to mention this, but just to be on the safe side:  shower regularly, shave or keep facial hair neat, brush and floss your teeth, keep your fingernails and toenails trimmed and clean (the number of men I’ve seen with grimy bear claws is…not good), and don’t douse yourself with cologne.  A woman doesn’t want to choke when she gets within a 5-foot radius of you just because you went crazy with the Cool Water.