Act interested.

5 Apr

One part of my church’s Sunday service that I would happily do away with is the time when the pastor tells everyone to stand up and greet other people.  It’s one of the most useless ways of forcing people to “get to know each other.”  Most people are horrible at talking to people they don’t know, so just add in the pressure of being forced to do it, and you end up with a lot of really limp handshakes and lack of eye contact.  My church is particularly terrible at eye contact.  Most people I shake hands with, other than all of the old people who are delighted to see a younger person at an early service, are not even looking at me when they say hello and shake my hand.  They’re already glancing off in the distance, probably at their next limp hand-shaking victim.

This got me thinking about interactions with the opposite sex.  If you’re on a date with someone, or even meeting someone, it’s important to make eye contact.  If you’re trying to talk to someone and they’re looking everywhere except at you(r face – boobs don’t count), it’s pretty obvious that the person is not interested and has a bunch of other things they’d rather be doing.  It’s pointless to talk to the side of someone’s face.  I hope that the next time this happens to me, I’ll just walk away rather than politely endure the awkwardness.

7 Responses to “Act interested.”

  1. lordsomber April 5, 2011 at 11:48 am #

    If I were on a date, I’d rather the other person *be* interested than act interested.
    If it’s obvious that the person is not interested, I’d want to know that tout suite and get them out of the way.

  2. knepper April 5, 2011 at 2:44 pm #

    Eye contact is important, for sure. But it has to be reciprocated. If you hang on her every word, and she fails to pay attention to you, clearly she already has you pegged as a beta orbiter, who is not worthy of her full attention. Still, I think of listening to another as basic in any human interaction. To fail to listen is just plain rude.

  3. Annie April 5, 2011 at 6:06 pm #

    “…Except at you(r face – boobs don’t count).”


    Actually, the lack of ability to just try and be friendly and polite, even to strangers, is a serious epidemic everywhere. Sometimes, it seems that if people don’t feel like they can get something from someone else, they just brush them aside. Boo that!

  4. Yvette Francino April 6, 2011 at 5:50 am #

    I don’t think someone not looking you in the eyes on a date is necessarily a sign they aren’t interested. They may just be socially awkward and nervous. Now, true, you may not want to date them for *that* reason, but it could be they are just lacking social skills or experience. The women they are the MOST interested in are the ones they are the most nervous around.

  5. detinennui32 April 9, 2011 at 11:28 am #

    Aunt Haley: People in the last several years have completely lost interpersonal skills. They don’t know how to introduce themselves or others they are with. They don’t know how to address a superior, an equal or a subordinate with any modicum of courtesy. They don’t even know how to treat a stranger or acquaintance with any basic common courtesy.

    This used to be called “etiquette”. We need to reacquaint ourselves with it. Perhaps if we did, young men and women wouldn’t have such a difficult time on dates. Young men and women should be taught how to treat each other.

    Guys: If a girl agrees to go out with you, at least sometimes look her in the eyes. If you’re really not interested, DON’T take her out. Don’t ask her out. Tell her you’re not interested.

    Another thing, guys – get a clue. Learn at least a little bit of Game and at least a little of the inner workings of the female mind. I wish someone had told me these things when I was younger, but being raised by a beta dad and an overbearing mom, no one ever told me.

    Here’s what I was told: be a “nice guy” and be friends with lots of girls. Don’t show sexual interest in them; you’ll scare them off. Don’t make moves on them or try to kiss them or touch them; just “let it happen naturally”. (What does that mean?) Don’t chase them too hard. Tell them you’re sorry. Just be nice.

    You know what being “nice” got me? I can’t even remember how many “LJBF” I heard. I was told girls wanted “nice guys”. That’s just not true.

    Truth 1: Girls don’t want nice guys. They want guys who are interesting. They want guys who know who they are and what they want, who pursue what they want, and make no secret of it or apologies for it. In male-female relationships, the nice guy always finishes last.

    Truth 2: Almost no guy ever goes from friends with a girl to being her boyfriend. You have to have some chemistry with a woman. (PAY ATTENTION GUYS) That chemistry is either there or it isn’t. She either likes you (the chemistry is there and she feels it too); you got a chance (she wants to see if the chemistry is there); or she doesn’t like you (no chemistry, ain’t never gonna be any).

    Haley points out correctly, I think: Girls immediately size up a guy and put him in one of three categories (paraphrasing here): (1) Yes please (I like you/am definitely interested); (2) wait and see (you have a chance); or (3) HELL NO (I don’t like you and never will, and you’re never getting in here. Ever.). And where you are in that hierarchy gets pretty damn clear very fast when interacting with many girls. Or at least it should.

    Guys, get a CLUE. Listen to what she says, sure, but far more important is WHAT SHE DOES. If you work together and she hangs with you at your desk, she probably has some interest in you. If she makes a point to engage you in conversation in class or afterwards, she might have some interest. If you’re in college and SHE asks YOU out for your birthday, and she takes you to her hometown to show you her house (when her parents are away) and her old hangout spots, she likes you a LOT. No girl lets a guy that far into her world unless she really likes him – and trusts him.

    Don’t ask her if you can kiss her. If you can tell she likes you, you’ve done some light forearm or back touching and it’s been a good date, MAKE A MOVE. Don’t ask for permission. You just need to do it. I had great girls literally falling in my lap but could not figure it out – because I was NICE.

    On the other hand, guys – don’t creep a girl out. If she doesn’t return your first call, it’s a mistake. Second unreturned call – she’s blowing you off and does not want a date. Third unreturned call – expect a visit from the cops or a cease and desist letter from her lawyer. After a first date, don’t give her flowers and don’t call her the next day. At least wait a few days before you call her. Don’t get stupid on a date. Don’t drink too much. And for God’s sake, don’t even try for sexual intimacy before attraction has been built. If you touch and she pulls away, figure it out, genius – she’s not interested. If you try to kiss and she turns away, you’ve got your answer.

    Girls: If you don’t like a guy, tell him so. Just say “I’m not interested”. Don’t go out with him just because he asked you.

    Another thing: don’t be offended by this. It’s just the way we are. We’re visual creatures. We’re looks oriented. Do all you can to improve your physical appearance. You need to make a good first impression and for that, we really are judging books by their covers. No, this is not fair. But that’s the way it is. We are looking at and assessing your face, your hair and your body, because that’s what attracts us and gets us going. We need to like the way you look because to us, that’s what tells us if chemistry will be there. At first, we’re not interested in your education, your career plans, your life goals, or your income. When we’re starting out, we don’t care how smart you are or about your accomplishments. All that comes later. Right now, we care about whether we find you visually appealing.

  6. detinennui32 April 9, 2011 at 11:39 am #

    And another thing, guys: Your attractiveness to a woman has far less to do with your physical appearance than with your confidence, your bearing, and your conduct. If you walk around with slumped shoulders looking defeated, women pick up on that. Be confident. Be interesting. Do interesting things. Get a hobby and pursue it. (That hobby should NOT be video gaming.) Get educated. Travel. See things. Do things you don’t usually do. Play a sport. Learn a sport. Go out. Join a group. Go to a church. Take a class. Get in your car and drive somewhere you’ve never been, for the hell of it. Learn how to talk to people you’ve never met before. Learn how to tell a story in an interesting way. Learn how to speak. Memorize a few jokes and be able to tell them well. Get good posture. Stand up straight, shoulders back, chest out.

  7. detinennui32 April 9, 2011 at 11:48 am #

    Girls: Please be feminine. Revealing clothes in public all the time, coarse personality, sarcasm, all-career-all-the-time is not attractive. We have our guy friends for those last couple of items. Don’t go itching for a fight about something all the time. We fight all day at work. The last thing we want is to argue on a date about politics or some other such nonsensical irrelevancy, or to fight at home. I’m not saying you have to be a Stepford wife. Just female it up a little, K?

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