Why girls are not usually friends with girls prettier than themselves.

17 Aug

This message board post gets to the heart of it:

Have you ever had that one girlfriend who always seems to get hit on first within your group? Well whenever my roommate/friend and I go out, guys will ask her to dance over me or when two guys approach us it’s obvious that both guys are trying to get her attention and the one stuck with me will act disinterested.

I honestly think I’m an average to cute girl and come off very friendly and sociable, but my roommate is obviously prettier than me. I’m just tired of being the girl who gets overlooked and not approached when I’m with her and in all honesty as bitter as it sounds, my self-esteem has hindered by hanging out with her because of all the attention she gets. I’ve even had guys I’m interested in ask me if she’s single.

Please tell me someone out there has a close friend like this and has been in this kind of situation, and how did you handle it?

While there IS the phenomenon of one genuinely pretty girl having a bunch of semi-buttery friends basking in their pretty friend’s aura (see:  most popular girl cliques in high school), most female friend groups sort out by looks status.  In other words, even if two girls have similar interests (for example, they both love Grey’s Anatomy, reading, and horses), they probably won’t be friends unless they’re within 1 point of attractiveness of each other.  Any more difference than that, and it just becomes too difficult for women to hang out, particularly once there are men in the picture.  The less pretty friend eventually gets tired of being ignored and decides it’s pointless to go out with the pretty friend when all it does it result in the less pretty friend being ignored all night and/or used as a conduit to the pretty friend.  When allowed to go on for too long, the less pretty friend usually ends up jealous, resentful, and sometimes bitter.

That said, there are a few exceptions that do allow two women of unequal good looks to remain friends:

  1. The pretty girl attracts men who are not attractive to the less pretty friend.  For example, if Unpretty is into skinny intellectuals and Pretty gets swaggery thugs in oversize sports jerseys who make Unpretty’s brain cells atrophy, Unpretty will be less likely to resent the attention that Pretty gets.
  2. Pretty doesn’t bask in the attention or ditch Unpretty whenever guys come on the scene.  In other words, if Pretty shows “good taste” in whose attention she chooses to receive, and graciously strives to include Unpretty, then Unpretty will also be less likely to resent the attention that Pretty gets.  On the other hand, if Pretty luxuriates in being the Belle of the Ball whenever a guy looks at her for two seconds, the friendship with Unpretty probably won’t last.
  3. Unpretty worships Pretty.  Some girls are so desperate for any glimmer of a chance at popularity that they will endure a lot of crappy and sometimes humiliating treatment just to remain in Pretty’s orbit.  Even if Unpretty subconsciously resents Pretty, Unpretty will beat down her subconscious in order to achieve the greater goal.

As for the OP, I would be surprised if she remains friends with her roommate beyond the next year or so.  Pretty’s popularity with men whom OP finds attractive is going to get to OP eventually, and the tension and resentment of being ignored will become too great for OP to stand – even if OP still genuinely likes Pretty.  Ten bucks says OP will chalk this up to “growing apart.”  Of course, Pretty could always level the playing field by gaining weight (or OP could lose weight/glam up, if those are issues affecting OP’s attractiveness to men).

 

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73 Responses to “Why girls are not usually friends with girls prettier than themselves.”

  1. imnobody August 18, 2011 at 5:10 am #

    True, Haley. One of your best posts. True phenomenon and very well explained.

    This remembers the strategy that the Nash character explains in the “A Beautiful Mind” movie. Instead of going for the prettiest girl of the group (which ends up in rejection), it is better to ask the less pretty ones so you have guaranteed a lay.

    It seems that men don’t follow the Nash strategy and the result is the one that you describe.

  2. Badger August 18, 2011 at 6:52 am #

    I find it hilarious that the key factor in whether women stay friends is whether men come between them – girls fighting over the same guy or jealous of the attention other girls get from high-quality guys. We carp about the sisterhood a lot in the Manosphere, but it’s clear that women hate each other when male attention is in the picture.

    As far as the OP, a guy with good enough game to realize what’s going on could snap her up easy…jealousy about her roommate creates a standing baseline of emotional energy that saves him the trouble of creating himself.

  3. y81 August 18, 2011 at 6:52 am #

    I would think that friends in general tend to be people of similar status in all respects. Unpretty won’t hang out with Pretty too long (even if they both love horses), Dropout won’t hang out with Harvard (even if they both love the Dead), Jersey Shore Carpenter won’t hang out with Hamptons Investment Banker (even if they both love the Yankees), etc.

    BTW, Unpretty and Pretty could be friends if they were in a setting where looks were not a major determinant of status, e.g., if they were both suburban matrons involved in the PTA.

  4. Badger August 18, 2011 at 6:55 am #

    “it is better to ask the less pretty ones so you have guaranteed a lay.”

    There is a problem here – in my experience, the “less pretty ones” usually have an inflated sense of their own SMV, possibly influenced by the SMV and attitude of the pretty friend. They’re certainly not going to cop to being “the sure thing.” And in their defense, why should they? (Aside from the fact that women are always complaining guys don’t approach them or ask them out.)

    The answer? Game her like she’s the hot chick. As a bonus it will create jealousy in the pretty girl’s mind, she may try to game back to get the attention turned back to her and then they’re fighting over you. Hot.

  5. imnobody August 18, 2011 at 10:13 am #

    “The answer? Game her like she’s the hot chick. ”

    Well, this is exactly what I was saying. More exactly, what the movie was saying.

  6. OhioStater August 18, 2011 at 12:30 pm #

    Swaggery thugs?

  7. Jennifer August 18, 2011 at 4:55 pm #

    Very interesting post. Lord, the shallow obsession with looks and sex people have now..

  8. Jennifer August 18, 2011 at 5:35 pm #

    “even if two girls have similar interests (for example, they both love Grey’s Anatomy, reading, and horses”

    Heh. I love reading and horses, but hate “Grey’s Anatomy”. Pretty much just female emo-porn.

  9. Langobard August 18, 2011 at 8:55 pm #

    Unpretty worships Pretty. Some girls are so desperate for any glimmer of a chance at popularity that they will endure a lot of crappy and sometimes humiliating treatment just to remain in Pretty’s orbit. Even if Unpretty subconsciously resents Pretty, Unpretty will beat down her subconscious in order to achieve the greater goal.

    Geesh – it’s a pretty sad day in modern-day America when ‘pretty’ women (or at least women who think of themselves as such) will accept ‘orbiters’ not only from ‘beta’ men – but from from other women as well.

    This surely is a deeply foreboding sign in these ‘End of Days’ ;)

  10. Jennifer August 18, 2011 at 9:02 pm #

    Those women literally think they’re the center of the universe. I couldn’t care less how pretty my friends are, and many are striking.

  11. Nautilus August 18, 2011 at 9:27 pm #

    I have dated a lot of hot women who claimed they didn’t have any “true friends”.

    At first I thought they were crazy, because we all know hot women on facebook usually have a 1000+ friends on facebook. But being popular and good-looking for women is kind of like being rich or powerful for men. In either case, it’s good to know the motives of your friends, to see if they are really solid friendships or not.

    Which seems so very un-Christlike. Are we making idols out of people by doing this? Do we not have the same intrinsic value as human beings? Are we not all created equally?

  12. Jennifer August 18, 2011 at 9:55 pm #

    Brilliantly put, Nautilus. And it’s true: some beautiful women are very much alone, because of the pedestals they’re given.

  13. Svar August 19, 2011 at 12:28 pm #

    “At first I thought they were crazy, because we all know hot women on facebook usually have a 1000+ friends on facebook.”

    Hey, I’ve noticed that as well. The hot ones have loads of FB friends.

  14. Svar August 19, 2011 at 12:32 pm #

    I have also noticed that every hot girl has that one fat girl that tags-along with them. Me and a friend were talking about this. We chalked it up to hot girls, still being girls are insecure, and need that extra ego-boost that comes with having an orbiter. A rather lulzy situation if you ask me. Haha, women.

  15. Svar August 19, 2011 at 12:36 pm #

    “Do we not have the same intrinsic value as human beings? Are we not all created equally?”

    For the former, yes. 100%. We are all equal in humanity and in our intrinsic values as human beings. As for the latter, I’m not too sure. Some of us have smarts, some of us have looks, and some of us have charisma. Some of us have two or hell, all three. I don’t know whether or not we are all equal considering the hierarchy that exists in the world and even in the Church. Are lay-men equal to priests iin rank? Are privates equal to generals in rank? Are women equal to men in rank? Even though we are not necessarily equal, we are all One in Christ.

  16. Blaj August 19, 2011 at 12:42 pm #

    “Birds of a feather flock together”

  17. Langobard August 19, 2011 at 1:00 pm #

    Some of us have two or hell, all three. I don’t know whether or not we are all equal considering the hierarchy that exists in the world and even in the Church. Are lay-men equal to priests iin rank? Are privates equal to generals in rank? Are women equal to men in rank? Even though we are not necessarily equal, we are all One in Christ.
    ___

    100%, full stop, spot-on brilliant comment.

    “Equality” is not only *not* a Christian concept – it isn’t even found or mentioned in the Bible. It is, rather, sinful humans who wish to project their envy-driven Gnosticism into the Holy Book so they don’t somehow feel ‘inferior’ – and so they can feel ‘superior’ or ‘equal to’ their betters.

    And what (former) angel (no less) wished to be the Lord’s “equal”…? (and look what happened as a result of that…).

  18. Svar August 19, 2011 at 1:58 pm #

    “100%, full stop, spot-on brilliant comment.”

    Thanks, man.

    ““Equality” is not only *not* a Christian concept – it isn’t even found or mentioned in the Bible. ”

    Exactly. It seems that God favors hierarchy. This can be seen in his creating of Adam and Eve. Eve was created for Adam, to be his help-meet. Even before the Fall, Adam and Eve were not equal in rank.

    ” And what (former) angel (no less) wished to be the Lord’s “equal”…? (and look what happened as a result of that…).”

    Definitely. The strive for equality is not only unnatural, since equality doesn’t exist within Nature(or Creation) and of course we must all realize that humans are firmly a part of Nature, but also ungodly because it seems that God favors a hierarchal world. The angels are not of the same rank as God. But one wished he was. And he got cast out.

  19. Jennifer August 19, 2011 at 3:12 pm #

    Wanting to be GOD’S equal is nothing remotely like people wanting to be equals. Sorry, nothing in the Bible says that Eve was under Adam. That’s completely foreign to this topic anyway; I have no idea why you brought up the idea of human hierarchy as an answer to a question that had nothing to do with it; he was speaking of people not being considered equal due to their looks.

  20. Svar August 19, 2011 at 7:47 pm #

    Well, Jen, the Bible indicates that Eve was made for Adam. Take from that what you will. I guess I did misread Nautilus’s comment. I thought he was talking about equality in general not about looks. There are aspects to men that are not in-born/genetic unlike intelligence or looks. Like mental, emotional, and moral strength or even charisma. Game is basically men learning charisma in order to sweep a woman off her feet and give her butterflies and tingles. There are many ideal qualities that men can work towards that are not innate.

  21. Svar August 19, 2011 at 7:48 pm #

    As for human hierarchy, God either tolerates it or prefers it.

  22. Svar August 19, 2011 at 7:51 pm #

    Laura Grace Robbins clarified what “One in Christ” truly means over at True Femininity: it refers to our unity as believers and as Christians, not equality of any sort.

  23. Jennifer August 19, 2011 at 8:20 pm #

    In many places, there’s no mention of hierarchy, Svar. But He certainly doesn’t promote communism, lol.

  24. Jennifer August 19, 2011 at 8:21 pm #

    Eve was created for Adam because he needed a partner to subdue the earth.

  25. Svar August 19, 2011 at 8:37 pm #

    Even though He definitely does not promote Communism, Will S’s comments over at Trad Christianity have got me thinking. It does seem that He does promote communalism and collectivism, both small-c conservative traditions as oppose to the Classical Liberal tradition of individuality and ultra-capitalism. Economically, due to this I’m a 3rd Wayer, influenced by American Palecons, modern-day European conservatives, and even in some cases the InterWar Right(as in Salazar’s National Integralism, Franco’s Falangism, and Mussolini’s National Syndicate). The 3rd Ways seem like better options compared to the two great poles of Capitalism and Communism.

    As for hierarchy there is the promotion of patriarchy within the Bible and I think The Divine Right of Kings. Aaron Traas or Will S can back me up on the latter better than I can. Regardless, there is no proof that equality even exists within Nature. God seems to either tolerate or prefer hierarchy and David Collard can back me up on this better than I can.

  26. Svar August 19, 2011 at 8:38 pm #

    Regardless, Jen, Eve was created for Adam and Adam was created for himself.

  27. Jennifer August 19, 2011 at 8:41 pm #

    No, Adam was created for God. You could twist that story to suit any idealogy; you could even say that Adam needed Eve, but she didn’t need him.

  28. Jennifer August 19, 2011 at 10:17 pm #

    PHEW. Sorry for the kidnapping of your comments section, Haley lol. I just found myself perusing your relationship posts and had no idea how many there were!

  29. Fiona August 19, 2011 at 11:14 pm #

    For many women (perhaps this is one distinction between women and girls), relative attractiveness doesn’t even enter the radar when choosing friends. I’d suggest that the letter writer spend more time working on recognizing what she appreciates about herself and what God-given gifts she has, *regardless* of her friend’s gifts or anyone else’s, and build self-esteem on that. Life is too short to base your feelings about yourself on what you think men want.

    Do you spend time with your roommate because you enjoy her company and have fun talking to her, or because you need someone to go with you to the club? If it’s the former, I would hope that her looks wouldn’t matter regardless of how they compare to those of the letter writer.

    If the dance club is where you go to meet men of character (good luck with that one), and you feel miserable with your friend there, maybe you should stop going with her. And/or, find an environment where you can meet guys, get to know them and their personalities over time (and vice versa), etc. – where looks aren’t the paramount concern in getting to know each other. Church groups are great for this if you’re Christian. Even if you don’t get a boyfriend out of it, odds are you will make some friends and learn more about what you like and don’t like in the male friends.

    Why draw comparisons? There’s always gonna be someone prettier than you and than your roommate too. Comparisons lead to bitterness, and any meaningful relationship will hopefully be more than skin-deep.

    Also, what does this blogger’s post have to do with Christian singleness? Frankly I think the blogger makes women sound awfully superficial and cynical. As a woman, I’m not down with those generalizations.

  30. Jennifer August 19, 2011 at 11:32 pm #

    Awesome, Fiona. I think Haley’s speaking of many, say, high-schooled minded and strenously social type girls who focus a LOT on attraction.

  31. Svar August 20, 2011 at 5:03 am #

    Good comment, Fiona.

  32. Svar August 20, 2011 at 5:07 am #

    Jen, the Bible does promote patriarchy. So does the natural world, why do you think so many pagans of the pre-Christ days were patriarchal? All successful civilizations were patriarchal from Pagan Rome and Pagan Greece to Confucian China and Shintoist Japan. Patriarchy is a part of the natural order and also promoted by the Bible. Regardless, I personally prefer a milder form of patriarchy, complementarianism.

  33. Svar August 20, 2011 at 5:29 am #

    True, Adam was created for God.

  34. Jennifer August 20, 2011 at 6:56 am #

    “Why do you think so many pagans of the pre-Christ days were patriarchal?”

    Because force wins out. There’s a difference between men being defenders of society and ruling women’s choices.

  35. Svar August 20, 2011 at 10:56 am #

    Which ever way you want to describe it, the most successful civilizations were patriarchal. That’s telling in it of itself.

  36. Lainey August 20, 2011 at 11:56 am #

    You are very wise, Fiona. I agree.

    Also in regard to the suburban mom PTA post – I don’t know about all PTAs, but some people use the organization as a social ranking competition similar to high school. It is too bad it isn’t really about the kids. That is an organization here I avoid like the plague.

  37. Svar August 20, 2011 at 12:20 pm #

    “I don’t know about all PTAs, but some people use the organization as a social ranking competition similar to high school. It is too bad it isn’t really about the kids. That is an organization here I avoid like the plague.”

    Yep. PTA moms… they can be crazy.

  38. Kane August 21, 2011 at 4:28 am #

    I think my girlfriend’s friends have normally fallen into categories 2 & 3; she is far prettier than all her friends. Girls above a certain level of prettiness are quite rare, so those girls have to find some way to make female friends.

    …women hate each other when male attention is in the picture.

    You know my favorite quote on this issue.

    Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate one another.
    H. L. Mencken

  39. Svar August 21, 2011 at 6:07 am #

    Good quote, Kane. I haven’t heard that quote in a long time.

  40. Jennifer August 21, 2011 at 9:29 am #

    Alexander Dumas once described women as “those mild doves, treat each other much more cruelly than tigers and bears.”

  41. Svar August 21, 2011 at 10:18 am #

    “Alexander Dumas once described women as “those mild doves, treat each other much more cruelly than tigers and bears.””

    Very true, Jen. I remember some guy in the Manosphere talking about a scientist who made an experiment where he pit wolves against wolves and doves against doves. The wolves, being violent, were capable of showing mercy. The doves, being generally peaceful, were incapable of showing mercy. They hadn’t developed mercy. You can’t develop mercy without the knowledge and experience of violence.

  42. Jennifer August 21, 2011 at 1:11 pm #

    Whoa! That’s deep, and strange.

  43. Svar August 21, 2011 at 2:21 pm #

    “Whoa! That’s deep, and strange.”

    I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately, but I read that particular fact a long while back. I’m good at remembering facts.

    You should come back to Trad Christianity. There are a lot of good things happening over there. Ulysses of Hidden Leaves has two very good articles and so do Alte.

  44. Svar August 21, 2011 at 2:33 pm #

    Here’s some linkage: http://traditionalchristianity.wordpress.com/2011/08/12/sunlight-through-stained-glass/

    This article has good comments by Ulysses and Brendan.

  45. Svar August 21, 2011 at 2:34 pm #

    “http://traditionalchristianity.wordpress.com/2011/08/20/hot-for-teacher/”

    This article has good, insightful comments by a new comer named Ritmo as well as good comments by the regulars.

  46. Svar August 21, 2011 at 2:35 pm #

    http://traditionalchristianity.wordpress.com/2011/08/21/the-young-wife/

    This is a good one by Alte explaining the conflict Christians feel in deciding whether or not to succumb to the ways of the world. Good comments by David Collard, Leonidas, as well as Ritmo.

  47. detinennui32 August 21, 2011 at 2:59 pm #

    THis is spot on, Haley.

    now you need to write a post on why women are so vicious to each other.

  48. Jennifer August 21, 2011 at 3:38 pm #

    There are some interesting causes for that, Detinn. For one thing, women are competitive, and they often have emotional attachment to what they’re competing for, whereas men sometimes only have sexual attraction.

    And two, it’s the way women fight that often makes us so vicious. See, we don’t have testasterone; for men, both their muscle build and their hormones induce them to physical fights, which can lead to physical injury. BUT, the bonus in such fights is that they get their frusteration out of their system and sometimes just make peace as soon as the fight’s over, at least if it’s between friends. But women, na ah: because we don’t have the muscles or the hormones, we use WORDS to fight; partly because of the reasons already stated about our biological differences, and partly because we’re emotional creatures and we KNOW what really hurts. Words cut deeper than fists, and because of the different ways of fighting between men and women, guys can fight and make up within a day, whereas girls can keep up a fight for YEARS if they’re so inclined.

    Try taking a look at the movie “Odd Girl Out”. In one scene, two boys have a sprawling, pounding fight in the school gym. The main female characters comment about how stupid and violent guys are. In the next instant, the coach pulls the boys off each other and the guys are simultaneously saying, “Hey we’re cool, right?” and fist-bumping. That’s it; they’re pals again. The fight takes up about two minutes of the film. Then, the afore-mentioned female friends have a fight; the alpha female gets mad at her friend (the heroine) and her groupies make it their mission in life to hate the friend. The battle is entirely fought by face-to-face insults, gossip, IM’s, ugly emails, and rumors, and it lasts the ENTIRE REST OF THE MOVIE. In fact, that’s what the movie’s about. Oh yeah, and it all began with a boy.

    Just imagine how much time would have been saved if the two girls just pounded each other!

  49. Svar August 21, 2011 at 3:41 pm #

    “Just imagine how much time would have been saved if the two girls just pounded each other!”

    But then that would have been sooo unladylike, Jen :P

  50. Lainey August 21, 2011 at 5:13 pm #

    Good post, Jennifer. Grown women that are married and have kids can still be that way. It is so frustrating. They are competing for everything. Who is the best mom? Who has the smartest kids? Who is the prettiest? Who is the thinnest? Who has the nicest clothes? Who has the cleanest house? Who has the most money?

    Don’t even get me started on the Christianity competitions. I think it must stem from insecurity, too. They are killing themselves to be the imagined winner.

  51. Jennifer August 21, 2011 at 5:43 pm #

    Thanks :) It’s true, competition arises everywhere..

  52. Svar August 21, 2011 at 6:44 pm #

    What do you mean by “Christianity competitions”, Lainey?

  53. Svar August 21, 2011 at 6:44 pm #

    “But women, na ah: because we don’t have the muscles or the hormones, we use WORDS to fight; partly because of the reasons already stated about our biological differences, and partly because we’re emotional creatures and we KNOW what really hurts. Words cut deeper than fists, and because of the different ways of fighting between men and women, guys can fight and make up within a day, whereas girls can keep up a fight for YEARS if they’re so inclined.”

    Very true.

  54. Svar August 21, 2011 at 6:46 pm #

    “The answer? Game her like she’s the hot chick. As a bonus it will create jealousy in the pretty girl’s mind, she may try to game back to get the attention turned back to her and then they’re fighting over you. Hot.”

    Heheh, nice.

  55. Lainey August 21, 2011 at 7:29 pm #

    “What do you mean by “Christianity competitions”, Lainey?”

    When someone asks a question about Christian womanhood, usually about being submissive or modest, and then is clear that no matter what anyone else is doing this person has the answer (she always does) and is the most Christian example. If you aren’t doing things by her interpretation, well then you obviously have fallen short in Christ. It is a competition in who is the most devout and Christ-like.

  56. Svar August 21, 2011 at 7:41 pm #

    Ahhh, I see what you mean, Lainey. That is why I prefer more Orthodox churches like the Roman Catholic Church. Nothing is left up to personal interpretation but that of the Pope and Clergy and the hundreds of years of wisdom of former Popes and Clergy. Heresy and apostasy is difficult to commit with any of the Orthodox churches than say the Protestant ones.

  57. Lainey August 21, 2011 at 7:53 pm #

    I can see that, Svar. In my Protestant defense, I haven’t experienced it in my church. :) But I do get to experience it from my sis-in-law (whom I do love) who goes to our old church – very legalistic. Sigh.

  58. Svar August 21, 2011 at 8:13 pm #

    True, Lainey. I’ll admit, even though I lean in a Traditional Catholic-direction I am not a Catholic chauvinist or bigot. I like Protestants, especially Baptists, Southern Baptists, and Lutheran loads of whom live in Texas. Episcopalian/Anglicans OTOH…. I’m wary of those due to the rampant liberalism that has overtaken that Church. There are a few conservative Anglicans like Cane Caldo and Ulysses but their personal churches are a rarity. There are many Protestant churches that are conservative and churn out good-quality girls. Better quality than what you’d get from a Cafeteria Catholic girl. I have noticed that even though the Protestant Churches may not be as orthodox as the Orthodox and Catholic ones, Protestants are far more likely to be devout and serious Christians. Conservative as well but that goes hand in hand. As Alte as noted, many Protestants are more Catholic than most Catholics.

  59. Holly cunningham September 13, 2012 at 11:01 am #

    This is not in the slightest relevant to me

  60. Erica November 12, 2012 at 9:19 am #

    I have the same problem with my best friend and I think I’m getting depressed,I mean I never found her more attractive than me,honestly but,it seems that guys are amazed of her,they stare at her as though she was the most beautiful girl in the world and I truly can’t find the real reason hidden behind that.What about me,why is always her like she’s the perfect human.I love her but it’s killing me day by day,Even the guy I like,liked her in the past and she rejected him(that’s freaking me out).Sometimes I just want her to disappear and leave me alone,she torments me with her presence!

  61. Adele February 17, 2013 at 2:03 pm #

    Erica, men and women see women differently obviously. But you do seem to have failed to see something really attractive about your friend, be it something you deem good or not.

    However, as Fiona said above, it’s all about yourself. You’ll never truly find confidence and happiness if you can’t shift your focus from what you described there. But I know it’s difficult especially if you’re young, when romantic love is almost everything. Be sure not to have your own self-esteem destroyed. Really you don’t need everyone’s attention. God always love you and there will be those who genuinely love you as who you are.

    By the way, pretty girls who don’t know they’re pretty (may simply because they see even prettier girls out there and/or they prefer different type of beauty than themselves, and/or they’re rejected by the one they really like) and don’t want attention from guys they aren’t interested in (not all pretty girls like meaningless flirting or play) , can get more hurt by both men and women badly without knowing why, until they realize they are quite pretty in most people’s eyes. Then they understand and learn to cope with the facts that they tend to be judged more easily, since many people automatically assume beauties are usually meaner and/or dumber; they tend to be hated more often, since there are more men she has to reject and more women who take her as a true or potential threat.

    Beauties who are not nice or manipulative or dumb aren’t worth your jealous even if they attract a lot of men, are they? And I don’t ever believe these beauties would ever have true happiness themselves, no matter how happy and content they look in public.

    So, life is not easy for anyone if she doesn’t have enough wisdom and good personality. Feel more balanced? :)

  62. Ally February 23, 2013 at 3:14 am #

    Ahh I think you’ve hit the nail on the head hair. As horrible as it sounds, even if you love the friend to death the constant attention on her will get you down eventually. An alternative to ending the friendship completely could be to spend time with other friends without her without lowering the time you spend with her. Sometimes you just need to branch out without them so when you spend time with them it won’t affect your self esteem as much

  63. haley April 4, 2013 at 4:31 pm #

    How can Haley collard pick the right boyfriend no smoke no chew no drunk only 19or20 year old

  64. Nicole May 10, 2013 at 7:18 pm #

    How would you like to hang around with a sociopathic girl friend who betrays you because of your looks….one day she is an ugly duckling…overnight she becomes the swan. Suddenly you are not the one the guys want anymore. She relishes every minute of you being the rejected one; she even creates ‘set-ups’ where guys (and other girls) will compare her to you.

    I say being young and beautiful is for the freaking birds. Love and harmony is what we should strive for. Create a passion in your life, such as travel….have many life experiences….

    and leave this foolish insecurity and comparison far behind you.

  65. ladygold August 21, 2013 at 10:13 pm #

    I looked this up because I feel like I have a friend that feels unpretty when she is with me because lately I feel like she wants to be friends but she doesn’t invite me in hanging out anymore. Shed go hang with other friends and not tell me. I really feel some type of way. I even dress down when I do hang with her. Because I dont get it.. I have friends prettier than I am and it doesn’t freak me out because I know everybody have their own taste and no one is ugly

  66. Sophia September 6, 2013 at 8:36 pm #

    I can honestly say that as a woman who gets a lot of male attention without even trying, I have lost or had to disassociated myself from many of my gal pals. It’s very strange, because I’m married and unavailable anyways and I actually hate getting male attention because as a married woman it makes me uncomfortable. I dress very conservatively yet stylish. What am I supposed to do, gain 20 pounds and dress like a bum so women don’t feel insecure? It seems that with women, generally speaking but certainly with occasional exceptions, you can’t have friends who are less pretty than you, because women who meet the socially prescribed standards for conventional attractiveness experience greater rewards than those who don’t.
    For all of you bible thumpers, I seem to remember a story in the OT of Rachel and Leah and the 2 other women, were they concubines? Anyhow all 3 women were very envious of Rachel because she was more beautiful and therefore the apple of her husband’s eye, even though she was, culturally, a less desirable wife due to her reproductive problems – Yup, women were only valued as sex slaves and childbearers. Since men value looks above anything else in females-don’t even try to deny it-, it makes perfect sense that women compete over it more than anything else. I have learned that lesson the hard way over the years. Even my BFF for 15 years, we had an argument one day and all of her jealousy and resentment came out when she was angry, I was so devastated, I never thought of her as such a petty loser. So I can tell you that as an above average attractive woman, it ain’t no walk in the park. Men constantly objectify you, ladies are jealous/hateful of you- Lustful stares, dirty looks- now I just expect it and remain disconnected in order to protect my fragile psyche. Oh well, at least I have my good gay guy friends, I don’t have to worry about that pathetic crap with them!

  67. Nicole September 8, 2013 at 1:08 pm #

    It is a tough situation. I can relate to all of what you said, Sophia. Beauty creates a LOT of problems and sometimes I isolate myself (although I am blessed with some very good female friends). But on jobs it is a no-win situation. I would cringe every time an outstandingly handsome ‘player’ hit on me at work…hoping the ‘other’ woman, who was a receptionist, would not notice. She did catch him hanging over me at the receptionist desk. Two days later I saw her talking to him, which was funny because she never liked him before. She essentially ‘caught’ him and I noted how quickly she took a Friday off when he was taking four days off himself. He ignored me after this…until one day when she arrived at work looking frumpy again and her hair had grey in it…she must have said something he did not like (about me?) He seemed happy to talk to me again.
    And the job I had before that…insufferably catty and jealous women. It is degrading because they can be so cruel and undermining.

    I share your situation as well because I am married…very married. My upbringing was total Hell because of a very jealous girl who somehow befriended me (sociopath? she probably was/is). She won…in the sense that her looks changed in high school after her glasses were removed and she wore contacts…she was slender and somewhat tall…she had blue eyes…

    Men suddenly were everywhere, totally ignoring me or giving me dirty looks. Everyone assumed I was jealous after high school because I disassociated from her entirely…I had to in order to survive. And it was not so much because of her ‘new appearance’ as it was her deliberate betrayal of me (in so many ways) and her attitude once she got what she wanted.

    And doesn’t it seem that gorgeous men have it much easier than women? They don’t go through Hell like we do. Other men do not abuse or castigate them for being attractive.
    It is a Catch-22 situation.

  68. Nicole September 8, 2013 at 1:30 pm #

    Back to that ‘other’ job (not the one with the male player)…the job at a medical center where the very catty women collected. The absolute worst situation…on a job. You can’t get away from these women and they can think of ANYTHING to bring you down. One of the tall and big-boned women lost weight very quickly (after being at a ‘fat camp’). She came back to work and starting hanging around the area where I worked. Her side-kick, also tall and big-boned, loved seeing/hearing all the compliments the ‘new girl’ got…and waited to see my reaction. She even said, “You’ll be the only overweight one now…” …and when I said, “I’m happy with my weight” she said, “See? You are just saying that…”

    You get the drift. And I was completely and totally isolated by this group of ‘mean women’ who were the average age of 50. Yes…no word of lie. It never stops.

  69. Charlotte March 26, 2014 at 11:35 pm #

    I don’t know how all others view me in terms of beauty because it is a really mixed message. But I know that many people think I am very beautiful. What I do know is that where I live right now I am completely unnoticed when it comes to friendship. On top of that, sometimes other women are extremely rude to me. It is hard to discuss this issue without being accused of being conceited. But what I think is ppl just do not understand unless they or someone they know has had the same experience. My husband does not understand either because he is a guy and has never had to face any rejection due to his looks or his ethnicity. While Mexicans are mostly mixed race, they identify with each other as being “Mexican.” That is actually good thing because instead of being an “American” I am just some mysterious ethnicity that no one can lump in with…except the one in every 500 ppl like me in my state…mixed with black and white. Unfortunately it seems that pretty women are worse than not so pretty ones. Clearly some average women who have good husbands could care less how other women look. But other pretty women don’t seem to like it when they are not the prettiest one. While I am not the prettiest woman, it kind of blows that I am pretty and have very very long curly hair, I suspect that brings on more hatred. To the point I am thinking of wearing my hair up so that I can try to make some friends. I know that to someone I sound incredibly vain. But if you have been accepted all your life you just don’t understand. I have never been well liked and I feel like my personality could use some serious work because of it.

  70. james May 5, 2014 at 4:03 pm #

    The only friend true good friend is a woman’s boy friend or husband.
    But they will ruin their only friendship with the person who cares about them.
    Just to have a girlfriend who would just like them.
    Now you wish you did not leave that nice guy that liked you.
    No he is dating a hotter girl than you.
    And you are not getting any younger.

  71. thegirlwhoexperiencedthesame October 16, 2014 at 4:13 am #

    Me two I always get this insecurity when it comes to this situation.
    Accdg. to everybody she’s much more beautiful and considered as a godess by some. But the problem is she isn’t fake. She is a kind and that’s what adds to her popularity and beauty in school.
    I’m also kind to people, but she does it much better than me because of her face. We have different attitudes and no matter what I do she’s always the one who is considered as perfect. Everybody’s saying she’s pretty and I just by their side and it hurts to hear it but I have to keep it inside. The more I hang out with her the more insecure I get.

  72. Tina January 26, 2015 at 9:28 am #

    Well said Fiona. That’s exactly the point. Men try to put women into boxes and attractiveness scales because that’s how shallow they are. It doesn’t cross their mind that behind a woman’s looks there’s a whole personality. Just because they objectify us doesn’t mean we objectify each other.
    Women form friendships based on personality *gasp*. No we don’t sit with each other for hours admiring each others looks or trying to get into each other pants. Our lifelong friendships really go deeper. Men can’t understand that. With them it’s about reducing individuality that makes them one of the guys, with women it’s highlighting their individuality in a friendship.
    So the reason why you don’t see below average women with hot women is because hot women lack personality, they are boring at best and bitchy, misogynists at worst. Why? No, not the myth that “they didn’t have to develop a personality” anyone with two braincells knows that that’s not how human development works, it’s because they have been tainted by men. Men ruin a women’s character, the more time you spend with them the more you adjust to them. The superficiality and misogyny make any good women run from those type of men and the hot women who have adopted that shallow mindset.
    Chances are average women have tried and tried to be friends with hot women but pretty quickly their nasty personalities surface and makes them a pain in the ass. No it’s not even the attention they get from guys and people in general, it is literally how bad they treat you apart from that. Example: one of my hot friends used to get mad whenever I didn’t dress up for our dates. She would treat me badly and talk to me reluctantly all because I was wearing a casual outfit. Why hang out with such a person?
    Hot women are like ugly men: shallow, superiority complex coupled with deep insecurities.

  73. Gabe August 1, 2015 at 10:51 pm #

    Wow. It sounds like being a woman would be torture. You have to base your friendships on looks? My god. I’ve got friends of 15+ years that are more attractive and have more game than I do. No f*cking way would I ever ditch them because they get more attention. WHO CARES.

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