“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Jer. 17:9 (NIV)
I checked back in on the message board thread that I had posted about earlier, the one from the girl who’d had sex with an alpha on the fourth date, and then he did the disappearing act. The drama continued, not just in the thread, but she actually obtained a closure of sorts from the guy.
OP’s comments are a sterling example of how a woman’s hamster reacts to an alpha.
She protects him from criticism and only reluctantly accepts his shaming from the hen house:
It’s hard for me to think of this dude as being an asshole, but the more I think about it and read what you all are saying, I realize you’re right.
She wants to hear what he has to say when he finally contacts her:
I guess I’ll let him know that he can call me. I’m just really hurt at this point. But you’re right — I’ll hear him out. At least now I can get the closure that I’ve wanted all along.
and:
I’m just REALLY curious about what he’s going to say. I texted him and told him he could call me after I get off work in a few hours.
Oh, GIRL, this is really not rocket science. Also, any time a girl wants to hear what a guy has to say even though she swears she has written him off, he was a mistake, she doesn’t care anymore – guess what? SHE STILL CARES AND STILL HAS HOPE. Such talk is pure, grade-A hamster talk.
OP gets her “closure” with alpha, but (surprise!) it wasn’t what she wanted to hear:
Alright, so he called about an hour ago. Basically, he apologized for not calling after we had sex. He admitted that he regretted doing it so soon, and that he was sorry for basically ignoring me for almost two weeks. I accepted his apology. And that was that. Honestly, I wish he wouldn’t have called in the first place. Yeah, I got my closure, but it was easier for me to get over it if I could just write him off as a dick. Now he’s not REALLY a dick, since he apologized. Gah. I’m sad now.
OP admits why she took his call:
Thanks everyone. I’m still super bummed (I guess a part of me was hoping he’d want to go out with me again?), but I know I’ll get over it.
OP in response to a commenter who asks if she would have gone out with him again if he had asked:
I would have.
Exactly how alpha was he?
I don’t know. I know I deserve better.
Mark the following as truth: the only time women claim not to deserve better is when they’re fishing for compliments from other women (or beta orbiters). Otherwise, women pretty much always deserve better than what they’ve got (or had). But let’s look at this situation a little more closely: OP really, really liked alpha and believed that they had a special enough connection that she got naked and had sex with him after four dates. Then she procured a phone call from him apologizing for his behavior. Most alphas would not even bother to call. Actually, the more I think about it, the more it seems like our alpha was possibly a greater beta/lesser alpha – he did, after all, take OP on dates, which is way more than most women can expect from an alpha male these days.
So what, exactly, does OP believe she deserves that is better? Considering what happened, she got about as good a treatment as she could expect. Oh, but she wanted to have sex on her terms.
Ay, there’s the rub.
Haley's Halo 
I still don’t see (i) how the guy’s behavior is essentially different from that of the guy in “Hot and Cold” (Nov. 9, 2010) or (ii) how the girl’s reaction is that different. That being so, I don’t see what feminist sexual dogma has to do with anything.
Now it is true that, in the 70s, lots of women turned to feminism because of unhappiness in their relationships, unhappiness occasioned by the fact that men aren’t women and don’t behave in the ways women fantasize that they would. (Read, e.g., Nora Ephron for an example.) Thinking that a political movement would solve this fundamental problem was very foolish. In fact, nothing is going to solve this problem. (Broken world, total depravity, etc.)
Even Christianity is not going to end this sort of unhappiness, not on this side of the grave. However, those who are considered worthy of the next world do not marry, and presumably they don’t date either, at least not as we understand the term.
I always laugh at women who are treated badly by “alpha” males, yet they keep trying with the same male or with other alphas. It’s the definition of insanity, doing the same thing and hoping for a different result. Or maybe it’s just stupidity. Regardless, at some level, such women must like being treated badly, or they would find someone who doesn’t do that.
Oh the poor little hamsters… if only we could hook them up to tiny turbines we could power the world.
Most reasonably intelligent people do not have a difficult time choosing between two clearly defined outcomes. We all make incentivized decisions on a daily basis, just look at the outcomes and choose the better one. What a lot of us have trouble with is when we only know one way of operating, and don’t know that alternatives exist to choose from.
The OP in this case strikes me as an intelligent person, but one who has grown up awash in the feminist entitlement attitude that pervades our society so much. She recognizes what happened, and even some of her own culpability in how things turned out. However the only framework she has to interpret this data with is “he’s a jerk, and I deserve better because I’m a woman.” I’d be willing to bet that if couched properly, she’d probably be quite open to some new understanding.
I used to be one of those beta-orbiter types that parroted “you deserve better” too, until someone finally pointed out to me that none of us deserve anything. You have value, absolutely, and you can choose how to utilize that value. Are you worth “x”? Sure. Do you deserve “x”? Nope.
She sees closure. I see her lining up willingly for a booty call.
Marvin-
They are not, in my opinion, hoping for different results any more than a fat person hopes that THIS time eating the donut will make them thinner.
They want what they want, and will accept whatever heartache comes in order to experience the momentary thrill.
Five minutes of alpha is worth five years of beta, as they say.
In other words, the part of that girl that is doing the “thinking” knows that the results will be just like the last time – tingly goodness.
Check this video out. “Can men and women just be friends?”
I find ASDF’s video very puzzling, because everyone seems implicitly to accept that if you have sex, you are something other than “friends.” Why can’t you be “friends with benefits”? The way I use the words, you only become something other than friends when you have a LTR, not merely by having sex.
Maybe “friends with benefits” is a post-collegiate, yuppie thing, so college students draw the line when you stop being “friends” in a different place than an older person might? Or maybe life at Utah State is just different from life in New York.
How we humans hurt each other.
In response to the video ASDF posted I noticed all the girls asked are very attractive. I believe guys and girls can be friends when there is no sexual attraction between them.
can be friends when there is no sexual attraction between them.
That’s true, but the relationship is usually in favour of one party or the other. No one is completely equal.
I think the biggest difference is that very few guys will knowingly keep a girl they don’t find attractive as a friend if she has a blatant crush on him. It just gets uncomfortable.
She didn’t just want sex on her terms, she wanted a relationship. And women like that still don’t get that they haven’t given men a reason to want more. Forget calling him a dick; call yourself careless.
“In response to the video ASDF posted I noticed all the girls asked are very attractive.”
I noticed that myself, but then I thought maybe I just don’t see enough college-age girls, so my eye was out.
Consider another possibility, that the video is selective. Ugly girls don’t believe in guy/girl friendship, because no guys spend any time with them unless there’s a prospect of some really immediate action. It’s only the really pretty girls who have lots of male “friends,” i.e., guys who hang around because the potential high reward, even if unlikely, justifies the investment. So maybe the videographer interviewed some ugly girls, but left them on the cutting room floor. And maybe the captain of the football team laughed disdainfully at the prospect of “friendship” (meaning no action) with a girl, and he too ended up on the cutting room floor.
Hey Haley-lady, here’s some fresh meat for you. Today I received my periodic email newsletter from Boundless; it was entitled:
Love Me, Love My Hamster
Unfortunately, the text does not seem to appear online, so unless you subscribe to the newsletter, you’re out of luck. (See what you’re missing?)
Alpha-jerk DID call OP, which suggests that he has a residue of conscience; that or he sees her as “back-up” material and thus doesn’t want to burn a bridge.
The Future: OP may eventually meet and marry some other guy, and Alpha-jerk will but but a faraway look in her eye during physically intimate moments that new husband just doesn’t understand.
This is why I am a lesbian. Men suck. Men are just not compatible with women, ironically.
@Jennifer – That’s really f-ed up. She’s not careless, she’s a GIRL. Being a normal, regular, natural girl. And there is NOTHING wrong with that.
Elisa Diane- A hatred for men is a horrible reason to be a lesbian. There are lots of great men out there the problem is that ladies like the one mentioned in this post would rather be with the jerk that slept with her and then bailed then a less attractive nice guy who would committ to healthy relationship.
Elisa-being a girl does NOT mean giving yourself at the first offer!! Or repeating the same mistake. THAT is f-ed up.
Being a lesbian because you hate men; that is f-ed up.
STOP FEEDING THE TROLL.
Sorry Haley *puts away peanuts*
I don’t hate men! Most of my friends are guys! Guys are awesome! But, I’m not sexually attracted to them, or emotionally attracted to them. I feel more of a connection with women.
@Jennifer – I find it interesting that my calling myself a lesbian makes me a troll. Maybe I will find more of an LGBT friendly board to post on. And I still disagree that is it “f-ed” up to give in to one’s natural urge to have sex with someone you care about. It seems like straight women always have to play games with men. It’s sad. We can’t just be ourselves.
Ok, last try: Elisa, you said MEN SUCK. That’s generally a troll statement, which you quickly contradicted.
“It seems like straight women always have to play games with men”
*chokes* All I can say is that there are way too many games being played on both sides, now. Have you seen guys talking about some of the shows they feel they have to put on because of women’s obtuse actions?
As for your last statement, our selves are not built for casual sex, and usually not for falling in love mutually on the first date either. Soo, the solution is to try to BUILD a relationship and actually repress that lust for a while. This is who we are at the best; this is what separates us from the animals.
@Jennifer – Thanks for the condescending comments. You’re a real b****. I’m outta here. Happy now? =)
Jennifer,
Did you pay attention to Aunt Haley’s post? Must she push the “Caps Lock” button again?
Yes Mark, I saw it loud and clear, which is why I said it would be my last comment to her. And lo, like so many male and female trolls, my perfect reasoning scared her away.
E.D.: http://eve-tushnet.blogspot.com/
If one more person responds to the troll, I’m locking the thread.
Wished I read this thread and its comments before being pursued and subsequently ‘dumped’ via whatsapp by this alpha I was dating. The scenario was similar except the ‘sex’ bit. I spent two weeks crying when he was thinking of dumping me. Stupid behaviour on my part but I’ve learnt now. Thanks HH.