Don’t worry about that other person’s feelings when:

Christians usually try to care about other people’s feelings, which is why Christian criticism of non-gay, non-abortion things tends to be pretty toothless.  No one wants to run the risk of turning a potential away from the Lord FOREVERRRR by hurting that person’s ego feelings, so there are a lot of roundabout and sometimes passive-aggressive comments instead.

However, there is at least one situation where you really shouldn’t care about the other person’s feelings, and that is when there is sexual chemistry between you and someone where at least one of you is married.  Getting married doesn’t mean other people cease to be attractive.  Sometimes that just means the other person becomes MORE attractive, just like people on a diet find cake that much more enticing.

But basically, if you find yourself in a situation where a married person is attractive to you (and especially if you sense that you are attractive to that other person), you should just walk away and not worry if the other person thinks you’re rude or uncaring or whatever.  It’s more important to honor that person’s marriage (and spouse) than to try to keep up some facade of friendship.  The bottom line is that you can’t have that person, so why invest any more time in him (or her)?  Why make it more difficult to extract yourself?  It can’t lead to the place that you want it to go…at least, not without a lot of destruction in its wake.

I mean, don’t be intentionally MEAN, but don’t make that person a point in your life.  That person should be a non-point.

When guys advise girls to put out to prove marital worthiness, they really mean “only put out for betas.”

Obviously, as a Christian, I believe that sex should be reserved only for marriage, but since I operate in a corner of the internet that isn’t exclusively Christian, I figure it’s worth talking about why premarital sex is such a bad deal for women overall.  This is not to say that some women haven’t put out and ended up in good marriages anyway.  It’s more that if you look at society as a whole, it’s a bad thing.  It’s worth pointing out that the manosphere seems mainly geared toward upper-middle and upper-class (white beta) men (if not in raw income, then at least in education/social class/taste), and so a lot of advice is filtered through those lenses.  Many social pathologies have not (yet?) come to the upper echelons of society because of money and a stronger adherence to traditional social strictures.

The basic gist that I see all over the place is that women should have a low partner count but should put out for guys they’re serious about who could also be husband material.  The problem is that the same guys who advocate this strategy also believe that women have no control over their hamsters and will be ~forever ruined~ for marriage by sex with an alpha.  So basically, they are advising women to be crazed sex freaks only with betas.  This sexual performance will prove to the man that the woman is a good bet for marriage.  So somehow women are tasked with finding betas to treat like alphas within, like, three tries, lest they be branded for eternity as ruined slags who will cheat cheat cheat cheat cheat cheat cheat and make you raise someone else’s secret baby.  Also, they need to divine the man’s fitness for marriage within 3-5 dates – so within 12-20 hours of time spent with the guy, approximately.  This is because no self-respecting man is going to waste time on a chick who won’t put out.

This “strategy” seems like no strategy at all.  Men are banking on the premise that the two guys who came before him were horrible at sex, but she had significant relationships with them anyway (because only big ol’ whores would have one night stands or flings).  Women are banking on the much riskier premise that she will find someone who is willing to commit to her in marriage within three tries that she can also be a crazed sex freak for for the rest of her life.  It’s like playing Super Mario Bros. with three lives and you have to get to the flagpole before you die three times or time runs out.  Also, I feel like there is a presumption that the girl is always the one ending relationships, because what guy would dump a “nice” girl who is a crazed sex freak only with him, right?  But girls get dumped all the time, and not just by alphas.  Every girl, if it hasn’t happened to herself, knows girls who in good faith entered into dating relationships that ended in getting dumped for whatever reason.  The guy just stopped being attracted, the guy decided he wanted something else, the guy decided it wasn’t working out – even if the guy had also declared his love, talked about a future/marriage, often went the extra mile.

So what does a girl gain from a failed sexual relationship?  Nothing.  The guy gets sex and an ego/status boost.  The girl just loses time and gains a notch that will work against her chances of getting another marriageable guy, because guys don’t care so much about the quality of the relationship, they just care about the number.  She can also then expect the next guy to expect her to do everything sexually for him that she did for the previous guy, unless she lands a suuuper beta with a forgiving heart.  But landing a suuuper beta with a forgiving heart makes it even harder for the girl to be a crazed sex freak for him, so it’s just a downward spiral with no end.

It’s just a very bad strategy.

Recently conservative comedian/commentator Steven Crowder got married, and both he and his bride were virgins on the wedding day.  He recounted in a subsequent op-ed that he thought their wedding night was “perfect” and “nothing short of amazing. ”  Whatever kind of sex they had that night was surely not perfect or amazing by experienced sexing standards, but by coming to marriage as virgins, Crowder and his wife got to have a wedding night that they could consider perfect and amazing and that will remain a cherished memory.  More interestingly, the next day he and his wife were eating breakfast and they overheard another newlywed discussing her new marriage and opining that “nothing’s really changed.”  (Also, the groom had gotten so wasted at the reception that he wasn’t even eating breakfast with his new wife.)  Presumably this woman had cohabited with her now-husband and had used up all the perfect and amazing sex of new love long before her wedding night.  It made me sad to read about it.  At the one table were Crowder and his bride giddy with the freshness of lives newly entwined, while at the other table were people who had been there, done that so long ago that the marriage was hardly registering with them.  And people wonder where romance went and why marriages don’t last…but darn it, they got the receipts from premarital sex!

P.S.  Only three people have responded to the podcast idea.  Please weigh in if you would like to see this project move forward.

Project idea: please weigh in!

While I was cleaning today, I had the idea that I could do a podcast for the blog as a roundtable discussion with readers.  This wouldn’t be a regular feature, and it wouldn’t replace blogging, but just as a fun extra, since having a conversation in real time is different from leaving comments on a blog.

Let me know what you think, and if you would be interested in being a participant.**  Also, if there are any topics you would be interested in discussing.

**You would need to have Skype, since that’s probably how I would conduct the discussion.  If anyone has a better option, please let me know, since I’ve never done a podcast before.

Embracity le Blessingsey!

Just doing a quick afternoon drive-by because (a) I haven’t posted a new one in a while, sorry about that; and (b) I have to finish the other half of my workout, because (c) I think I’m going to go see Raiders of the Lost Ark tonight in “IMAX.”  I hate IMAX prices, but I haven’t been to the theater since The Dark Knight’s Ridiculous Conclusion and Raiders is the kind of movie you HAVE to see on the big screen if you have a chance.

Anyhow, I was thinking about the Humility that Christian guy bloggers usually spout about how they’re not worthy of their wives and they cry when they think about how their beatific babes deigned to spend the rest of their lives with lowly guy bloggers who suffer from mundane afflictions like lust sin humanity, and being married only serves to remind them of how very sinful and decrepit they are, and somehow female readers are supposed to read this and wish their own husbands would proclaim the same to the world, and oh how romantic and Christianly it is.

Screw that!

If I’m going to be legally chained to some dude who expects daily sex from me for the rest of my life and thinks that at most I should have a job and not a career, and will watch every bite of dessert that enters my mouth with critical eyes lest I destroy his love with the power of cellulite, then I’d very much like to be married to a guy who knows his worth and believes that he is offering me a pretty darn good thing by inviting me along for the ride.  Why would I willfully bind myself for life to a man who frets and worries that he’s not good enough?  What does that say about ME and my mind, and my values?  It’s an attitude that’s insulting to women – that a woman willfully chose to cheerlead for a weakling, and we should praise her for her act of charity.

What women want is (if you will allow me the Hollywood analogy) a man who says, “I’m directing a movie called The Greatness of Me, and I am looking for a producer.  I have the vision, but I need someone who is going to help me achieve that vision because I can’t do it all by myself.  I think you can be that person.  Are you going to come on board?”

I know that it’s en vogue in Christian circles to constantly second-guess yourself and keep knocking yourself down with “I’M NOT WORTHY!” reminders, and blah blah blah pride conceit vanity blah, but women yearn for men who have thrown off timidity and have stepped out of their hobbit holes to venture beyond the Shire.  You can be humble and still embrace your God-given talents, gifts, and intellect, and have confidence in those abilities that you can give a woman a happy life.  Why did God give you any of these blessings in the first place if He intended you to second-guess Him and His design for your life?  It’s kind of like,

GOD:  Hey, Bob, I’m going to make you smart – which, let’s be real, I don’t give that to just anybody – and I’m also going to make you good at fixing things.  I’m going to give you an even temper, and I’m going to make you good with handling money.  Okay, you’re going to be a little short on athletic ability and unfortunately you’re going to end up doing all the group projects for the athletes in your classes, but you’re going to be a good writer and good with kids to make up for that.

BOB:  OHHHHH GOD I’M NOT WORTHY OF ASHLEY!!!!!!!!!!  SHE’S JUST SO GORGEOUS AND BEAUTIFUL AND HOT!!!!!!!!!!  HOW CAN I POSSIBLY MAKE THIS WOMAN HAPPY?????  SHE PRAYS TO YOU MORE THAN I DO!!!!!!!!!  YESTERDAY I SAID SOMETHING THAT MADE HER FROWN!!!!  I CAN NEVER, EVER, EVER LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN BECAUSE I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!  I AM AN AMOEBA AMONG MEN!!!!!!!!!!  HOW COULD YOU GIVE ME SUCH A PRECIOUS GIFT???????????  SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF WITH A FOOTBALL PLAYER!

GOD: ……………………………..

Men, stop flagellating yourselves.  God gave you talents and abilities.  Sure, everyone has moments of self-pity and self-doubt, but give God some credit for His blessings, and give the woman in your life some credit in choosing you.  We’re all sinners.  This isn’t some sort of “all animals are equal, but some are more equal than others” scenario.